Warped Core: The Blog/Anti-Blog Reaction

NEWS: Hey look, an update!

2005-03-09T17:19:00.000-06:00

That's right folks, a real update. How long has it been, 3 1/2 months? But this time, I have a real excuse. No, really. Well okay, perhaps it's more of a diversionary tactic, but at any rate, feast your eyes on this:

Warped Core: The Next Generation

That's right, I got my own domain, rewrote my entire site layout in WordPress 1.5, and moved the whole thing off of Blogger and onto my own web host. Why, you ask? Well, go on, click the link and find out! All my new posts will be appearing over there now, after all. This will officially be my last post on Blogger, but not to fear, bigger and better things await on my new site. ...Well, okay, at least it looks cooler anyway.

COMMENTARY - We wish you a merry Christmas, and a bundle of socks.

2004-12-15T16:05:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's Mid-December already. That most wonderful time of the year, with everyone's favorite holiday just around the corner...

Bah, humbug.

I hate Christmas. No, it's not just because I like to complain about things or that I have the false perception that simply going against popular opinion makes me a "free thinker". It also has nothing to do with any religious affiliation of the holiday either, which is also sketchy at best. Fine, send me off on a brief tangent on the history of our modern Christmas...

Throughout history, there have been numerous ancient pagan holidays celebrated near winter solstice, but the direct descendant of our modern Christmas can probably be considered the Roman holiday of Saturnalia, the god of agriculture. Or more specifically even, the birthday of Mithra, the god of the unconquerable sun, celebrated on December 25th, and considered by some Romans as the most sacred day of the year. So of course in typical Catholic tradition, long about the fourth century, Pope Julius I declared December 25th as a celebration of the birthday of Jesus Christ in a blatant attempt to absorb another pagan holiday into a conversion to Christianity. Nevermind the very story of Jesus' birth and angels visiting shepherds in the field tending their flocks at the time indicates Jesus was actually born in the spring and directly contradicts a winter celebration, but hey, let's overlook that in order to thwart another pagan holiday. Besides, we already have Easter in place to undermine pagan springtime festivities, so we don't need another spring holiday. So December 25th became the unofficial birthday of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. As far as all of the "traditions" we celebrate in our modern Christmas, that's mostly the fault of us Americans. Christmas in its current form didn't really pick up steam until the mid to late 1800's, where Americans decided it was the perfect family holiday and retail opportunity, and began to incorporate traditions and beliefs from different churches and immigrants from around the world, or just plain made up their own traditions. For more information on the convoluted history of what we have come to call Christmas, check out How Christmas Works. Anyways, my point is the birth of Jesus as the celebration for Christmas in fact plays a small part in the holiday's origins, and is actually about as historically inaccurate as the rest of the holiday's traditions. Now back to the rant.

So why do I particularly dislike Christmas? In part, it's the same problem I have with all modern holidays. They're over-commercialized. Christmas is just the epitomy of the over-commercialized holiday. Most retail stores account for 70% of their annual income to just the Christmas shopping season alone. TV shows, movies, commercials, signs, and ads are everywhere promoting this season of peace, love, harmony, and spending lots of money buying presents for other people. From the Christian standpoint, if this holiday is about the birth of Christ, in what way does crowding shopping malls and spending all your money on your friends and family tie into that? Can't figure it out? Neither can I. What about the rest of the non-Christian population that still celebrates the holiday? They have even less reason, yet they're not left out of the festivities, now are they? Whatever one's explanation for celebrating it is, I doubt any can explain why exactly they have a decorated dead tree in their living room or what Santa Clause really has to do with anything. That's because the true meaning of Christmas is doing whatever the media tells you to. If you can't detail the origins of a tradition, is it then even traditional? Hardly. Why all the hyped up Christmas festivities then? So the retail industry can rake in more income in a couple weeks than it does the other eleven months of the year combined, that's why. As long as they can keep people excited and enchanted by the "spirit of Christmas", they continue to make money hand over fist. And that is the true meaning of Christmas.

But as I said, that's only part of the reason I don't like the holiday. Here's the main reason for my dislike of Christmas: With all these people spending money on gifts, why can't anyone manage to buy me something good??!! I mean come on, seriously, who wants socks for Christmas? I wouldn't really appreciate someone giving me socks on any of the other 364 days of the year, how does anyone figure they make a good Christmas gift? The same goes for ties. Especially Christmas ties. Great! A present I can only use once a year, and I have to wait another 12 months to wear it! Gee, thanks! I think a good rule of thumb is that if you can't think of a good gift to buy someone, either give them a gift card, or consider that you don't know them well enough to warrant buying them anything in the first place and save the money you would have wasted on some lame gift for them and put it towards a nicer gift for someone you actually care about. Now I don't know why there's this stigma surrounding gift cards. Contrary to popular opinion, I think they're one of the best gifts you can get someone. Many people don't like giving gift cards because you now have an exact dollar figure for how much someone spent on your present. Okay... and I'm supposed to believe you spent more than $5 on those socks? Me, I'd take even a $5 gift card over some dollar store trash any day. People also claim it's an impersonal gift, but let me ask you, which of the following scenarios do you find less personal:

1. "I didn't know what to buy you for Christmas, so here's a cheap package of socks I picked up at the dollar store."

2. "I didn't know what to buy you for Christmas, so I bought you a gift card worth a few dollars from a place you actually like to shop."

If you as me, a gift card is actually a more personal gift than some cheap present you picked up because you couldn't figure out what to really get for them. Here's how I interpret these two different scenarios:

1. "I didn't know what to get you and I didn't care enough to figure it out either, so here's a cheap piece of crap to say the thought of buying you something at least crossed my mind."

2. "I didn't know what to get you, but I know you like to shop at this particular store, so I got you a gift card worth a few bucks since I'm sure you could find a good use for it there."

If people would listen to me on this one simple point, I would have a far happier Christmas. Imagine for a moment that every person who would have bought you a crappy gift this year instead decided to just get you a gift card good at your favorite store. Even a cheap gift card. With that little collection of cards, you could manage to buy yourself a pretty nice present. But what are you supposed to do with your assortment of socks, ties, and sweaters? Well, you could always save them for next year, wrap them back up, and return them as your very thoughtful Christmas present back to them. That's right, who ever said that game was only reserved for the fruitcake?

So in closing, anyone thinking of buying me some lame, cheap gift this year, I respectfully request (okay, demand) you instead do one of the following:

1. Don't buy me anything and save the money for a better gift for someone else. Otherwise, you'll be seeing your present again in about a year...

2. Click here, and remember my email address is tribblehunter@hotmail.com.

REVIEW - FOR SALE: Evil Lair

2004-11-25T20:08:00.000-06:00

This is going to be another one of my sort of fantastically long two-part posts. Seems that's becoming my new trend. Don't post anything for a long while, then post two things at once. Oh well. Anyways, on with the show. First, I will be starting with my review of the PC game "Evil Genius", followed by some very useful information to get you started on a real-life evil lair of your own. Interested? Read on...

First,The Game...

Evil Genius is not quite like any other game I've played. It's something like the Sims meets Austin Powers with a dash of the old board game Risk thrown in. Now, I've never been a big fan of the Sims games. They are like Real Time Strategy games minus the strategy, leaving them... well... nothing, really. Plus, the micromanagement to the point of telling people when to go to the bathroom is quite frankly annoying. That said, while Evil Genius resembles a Sims game on many levels, it doesn't really play like one at all. Aside from your character (the evil genius), and his handful of henchmen, you actually have no direct control over the rest of your army of minions. Instead, you issue commands for tasks to be completed, and the nearest available minion will run and do your bidding. This allows you the freedom to issue more commands rather than to babysit all of your little men. A few construction orders here, some build orders there, some work orders over there, and soon you can sit back and watch your evil base bustle with busy bodies in yellow jumpsuits. You will occasionaly run into that miserable maggot of a minion who refuses to work and may even try to abandon your evil organization. Of course, you can then dispatch one of your henchmen to throw him in a holding cell until he changes his mind, or just kill him and recruit a new one. The choice is yours. It is, after all, your evil empire...

The game starts out with your evil genius and his solitary henchman landing on a rather empty island, with nothing but a dream to take over the world, and a somewhat sizable wad of cash. The mountain on the center of the island of course makes a perfect location to begin an underground lair, so you get to work. You start by hiring up some minions in fashionable yellow jumpsuits. (Don't ask me, the attire seems to be an evil requirement. Haven't you ever watched a James Bond movie?) Where they come from, how you hired them, and where did they get the jumpsuits, I don't know. Nevertheless, they begin showing up on your island clad in their brightly colored outfits, ready to do your bidding. So you start by issuing orders to hollow out your mountain, creating cooridors and rooms to begin your hidden base. Your minions start running about, blasting holes out of your mountain, and soon you have the beginnings of your evil empire. You build a control room, from which to spy on the world. You construct a generator room to power your base. You carve out barracks and mess halls and break rooms for your men. You set up a security center from which to monitor your base, arm your minions, and interrogate intruders. Yessir, you have quite the little evil base now. Except now you're out of money. Now what?

Enter the World Domination view. From here, you are presented a map of the world, with all the different nations nicely color coded for your convenience. Using this map, you can send your minions and henchmen out to different parts of the world to steal and plot for you. A well staffed control room back at your base is a must, as it reveals important information about the different coutries around the world, such as how much money you can steal from specific regions, as well as how strong their military presence there is. Sending a fair number of minions around the world to steal for you will keep the cash flowing in, enabling you to build your base even larger. "My base is plenty large already", you may be thinking, "how do I take over the world already?" Fear not, for your global conquest is only beginning. The world domination map has a meter on the bottom measuring your notoriety. See how it's really low right now, like in the near vicinity of zero? Now that certainly won't do for an evil genius. You do want to be notorious, now don't you? Well, if not, then I suggest you are in the wrong business my friend. The rest of us will plot and scheme and carry out various acts of notoriety against the world to increase our infamy. It is equally important to send your men out to plot as it is to steal. Plotting uncovers opportunities to perform devious acts around the globe - kidnapping people (and monkeys), stealing valuable artifacts (or buildings... like the Eiffel Tower...), or just causing general disruption and mayhem (like dragging massive iceburgs off from Antarctica into major naval shipping lanes to disrupt traffic). As your minions successfully complete these (sometimes ridiculous) acts, you gain more notoriety, putting you one step closer to becoming a global threat. But watch out, as your notoriety increases, so does your heat...

So now you've had a bit of fun at the expense of the world. Time to check back into your base. You've decorated your lair with precious objects stolen from around the world. You've increased your gold reserves dramatically. You've even interrogated prisoners you've kidnapped to teach your minions new carrers in military, social, or science fields. Oh, and your base is also swarming with secret agents now. What happened here? Where did they all come from? Well, while you were commiting devious acts around the world and increasing your notoriety, your "heat" also went up. If you pick on a particular nation too frequently, well, they get a little upset about it, and your heat rating will increase. So they start sending spys and secret agents to your base to investigate, sabotage, or steal their goods back from you. As your heat rating increases, they will send more agents with increasing skill to your island to generally cause you trouble. Careful management of your minions on the world domination map can keep a country from waging an all-out war on your little island, but no matter what you do, some number of unwelcome visitors from around the world will continue to invade your base. What is an evil mastermind to do? Traps, of course. Lots and lots of traps.

Traps are by far the highlight of the game. As you train scientists to work for you, they will research new technologies that allow you to build new objects, rooms, and also many, many traps. Now, you could occupy your henchmen and minions with playing doorman and standing around the entrance of your lair like a bunch of bouncers, but most of your minions are really lousy fighters, and they'd be far more useful doing something else. Not to mention traps are infinitely more fun to watch. You can quickly turn the entrance of your base into a cooridor filled with sensors, pressure pads, trap doors, pirhanna tanks, gas chambers, flame throwers... the list goes on. With a little practice, you can even learn to string this series of traps together, throwing its victims from one trap into the next in a veritable obstacle course of DOOM! MUHAHAHA!!! *ahem.* Well. At any rate, traps are good, and watching enemy agents (or your own minions... hehehe...) fall victim to them again and again just never seems to get old.

From here, you are now poised to take over the world. But first, you will need a bigger island. Why? Well, simple. Your current island doesn't have a big volcano in the middle. Well, you asked a silly question... Anyways, so you give the order to pack up your base, all your minions scurry onto your boat, and you set sail for your new home. You soon arrive at your new, larger island, complete with volcano, and you get to start all over building a new base. This is actually a good thing, as it gives you opportunity to correct all the design flaws you discovered in your first base, and you have more room to work with now too. And hey, there's also a volcano in the middle now. Once you've settled in to your new home, you can steal plans, blueprints, and kidnap scientists from around the world to devise the all important Doomsday Weapon, as you're hardly an evil genius without one. Then it's time to convert your volcanic core into a missile silo (see? I told you the volcano bit was important...) and take the world hostage! MUHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! *Cue evil music of doom*

So here's the summary... (What do you mean, "finally"?)

Graphics: 10/10 Bright, colorful, and very reminiscient of an Austin Powers movie. Also the character animations flow very well. If you've played other Sims games, you'll know what I mean, where the characters kind of jerk around when switching from one task to another as they change animation sequences. You get none of that with Evil Genius.

Sound: 10/10 An excellent and very fitting soundtrack that sounds like it's right out of a James bond movie. I liked it so much I had to track down the MP3's so I could take Evil Genius background music with me wherever I go. ;-)

Gameplay: 8/10 A well done modification on a Sims game, it removes the annoyances of micromanagement, while still making you feel in control through issuing orders. You obtain new units and research new items throughout the entire game, keeping the gameplay fresh with a constant supply of new objects to toy with. Specific mission objectives also help to give the general purpose of world domination a little direction, while still allowing you the leeway to wreak havoc on the world or just expand your base at your leisure. Switching from your evil base to the world domination mode is a little disjointed, and the two modes could possibly link together a little better, but being able to switch between two modes of play does help to keep the game from getting monotonous.

Ingenuity: 9/10 While the Sims style game is nothing new, the control over the units in Evil Genius is different, and my opinion, far better. Well, unless you like micromanagement to the nth level, I guess. The method of issuing commands really makes you feel like you are just sitting there with a screen overlooking your base telling people what to do, which I suppose really was the point, wasn't it? The premise of the game itself is also sheer brilliance. I've never played anything like it, yet at the same time practically none of the content in it is really original, as you will find about every cliche from every super-spy movie ever somewhere in the game. This game is a must have for any James Bond or Austin Powers fan. Plus, you get to play the villian in this game, which I think is far too much of a rarity in games today.

Replay Value: 8/10 First, let me say the traps never get old. Never. I could watch that all day. And I have, too. With so many traps, and so many different ways to arrange them, the possibilities are endless... Traps aside though, the game still has strong replay value. From redesigning your base layout, to refining your tactics for global domination, there's plenty to keep you playing. Also, there are three different evil geniuses you can choose from to take over the world, and as the game progresses you can pick up a variety of different henchmen to work for you, so the combinations from start to finish are pretty numerous as well, allowing for a different experience each time through the game.

OVERALL: 9/10 There is one major reason I did not give this game a perfect score. I'm not sure if this was just a problem on my install for some reason, or if anybody else even has this same problem, so I'm hesitant to speak too much on its severity. But the in-game help menu would NOT work for me. It would display the text all skewed way off the screen, making it pretty much useless. Again, maybe just a problem on my install, and also probably quite easily fixed with a patch if it is in fact a broader problem. Other than that, it's a great game.

Next... THE WORLD!!!

Inspired by your time with "Evil Genius"? I was. That's when I stumbled across this site: 20th Century Castles. That's right. Retired missile silos for sale. Now they're advertised towards the paranoid agoraphobic sort as uber-bombshelters, but it doesn't take the most creative evil genius to think that a retired missile silo would be the perfect location for a not-so-retired missile silo. Now, any crazy individual reading this with $1.5 million to spare, don't even think about that Titan I site in Denver CO, that sucker is SO mine. Well, once I manage to scrounge up my own $1.5 million, anyways... (My PayPal link, anyone?) It's on 210 acres of land. There's 45,000 square feet of underground floorspace. Three missile silos. What more could an aspiring evil genius ask for? I could build a legitimate business enterprise topside on the 210 acres. Maybe a children's hospital. I mean, what kind of heartless government would storm a children's hospital, right? Then, with 45,000 square feet underground and three separate missile silos, I'd have all the space I'd need to conduct my evil scheming and plotting. A half mile of tunnels is also more than adequate space for a sufficient number of traps to discourage unwanted government visitors or in-laws from dropping by. Also, being a mere 20 minutes away from a major metropolitan area will make it a small matter to tap into global communications networks, and an international airport also in the vicinity will make getting my undercover operatives around the world a piece of cake. To top it off, a lot of these silos have leftover yet still working equipment from when they were still operating military sites, which makes getting an operating control room that much easier. Now I just need to find somewhere to order yellow jumpsuits in bulk...

COMMENTARY - Linux: Windows of Opportunity?

2004-11-02T22:21:00.000-06:00

So here I am, downloading some new Linux distros for my next foray into over-multi-booting. (Some people overclock. So I have a slightly different hobby...) Since my last article on the subject, I have since backed down to just two operating systems, Windows 98 (which I almost never touch and keep for support reasons) and Windows 2000. I had done this as I was running out of drive space, but I intend on installing a third hard drive in the near future, doubling my current storage from 200GB to 400GB. So I figured it was time to install some more new shiny operating systems again.

As I was checking out all the newest and hottest Linux distributions and releases on DistroWatch, I was struck by a couple of interesting thoughts about the Linux community. First is the proliferation of the Live CD. This is really a rather brilliant move by Linux developers, as it helps to overcome one of the biggest problems with getting users to switch to Linux. Installing a second (or third, or sixth...) operating system onto a single computer is no simple task for the uninitiated, and even for an experienced user it can at times be hazardous to your existing installation. However, a Live CD allows you to boot directly off a disc into the operating system, without installing anything onto the computer. With a Live CD, you can just boot right into Linux, mess around with it and learn your way around a new operating system in your spare time. Then when you're done, just take the CD out, reboot, and you're back into your usual operating system, with no harm done (except maybe to Microsoft's ego). This method of course has it's pros and cons. It does make getting people to try Linux far simpler, but to me, use of a Live CD represents a half-hearted attempt at exploring an alternative operating system. It's great that it can draw new users into an easy way to try Linux, but as long as they're running it off a CD it can never hope to replace their everyday (Windows) operating system. That, and it also runs far slower off the CD, which can give new users the impression that Linux is inferior to Windows. Another note on the positive side, it can allow the hardcore Linux user to take their operating system with them and run it on virtually any computer they come into contact with. That, and some Live CD distributions have been decked out with system maintenance, network analysis, and forensics tools, making them an indispensible resource to the system administrator, or a dangerous weapon in the hands of a hacker. All in all though, I think it's a great development for Linux.

The other thought that entered my head was in part inspired by my new day job. I'm currently working in a call center providing cable internet technical support. As a result of my time on the phone there, I have concluded that there are three main types of computer users. Those who really know what they're doing, those that know just enough to get by, and those who are completely clueless but for some reason are in front of a computer anyway. Sadly, the vast majority of the population seems to fall into that latter category. Now this may seem like a crazy idea, but I'm beginning to rather strongly believe that these same clueless individuals may be the best candidates to target for a switch to Linux. Users who really know what they're doing can make the switch or set up a multi-boot configuration themselves, so they're not a problem. Users who know enough to get around usually have some little 3rd party programs or games that they use on a regular basis. This makes them less likely candidates to switch, as most often they can't take these programs with them and make them run on Linux.

But let's look at what average Joe Idiot does on the computer. He checks his email. He surfs the internet. And maybe he wants an office suite to work in. But that's about it. To him, it's a glorified typewriter with built in newspapers and magazines. Using Windows actually makes these tasks more difficult for Joe Idiot, if you ask me, because now Joe also has to worry about antivirus, anti-spyware, and firewall software to protect his PC. Joe also has to worry about making sure all of these programs as well as his Windows security patches are constantly up to date to keep him properly protected. Joe doesn't really realize it, but he also needs protection from himself, for he can inadvertently cause more damage to his computer than anything else.

Now let's put this same individual on a lightweight version of Linux, Vector, for example, with Firefox and OpenOffice installed on it. There are currently very few viruses that even target Linux, and most of those actually target specific Linux server applications. So there is no need for Joe to maintain or even install an antivirus program. Linux was also developed from the ground up to be a networking operating system, so it is very secure, and most distributions typically come with a firewall of some kind, else one can be downloaded and installed for free. Not only does Joe not have to worry about getting viruses in his email anymore, but by using Firefox on Linux he can also surf the internet unimpeded by popups, adware, or spyware. Firefox has an excellent built-in popup blocker, and since spyware and adware programs are written to run on Windows, even if they manage to infiltrate the computer they will simply not do anything on a Linux system. Using OpenOffice, Joe can do anything he could do in Microsoft Office, and in fact can open any of his old MS Office documents as well. Lastly, by making sure Joe is logged in under a user account and not as root (administrator, for you Windows folks), Joe is not capable of causing too much damage to the system as he simply does not have the proper access to really break it. Switching Joe over should be fairly simple too. He already doesn't know his way around Windows, so why not have him be lost on Linux instead? Just simply set him up with a Linux desktop with all the icons he'd need to do anything right in front of him, and he'll be fine. That's all he does in Windows, after all. Joe clicks on email, Joe gets email. Joe clicks on internet, Joe gets internet. Joe doesn't see viruses or popups or errors. Best of all, Joe didn't have to pay a cent for any of it. So Joe is happy. And the bottom line is that means he's calling me at work less, so I don't have to answer as many frickin' calls.

So what's wrong with this blissful model I present? Several things, actually. First, is support for Linux. If set up correctly, Linux should require far less support, but that doesn't mean it'll never require support. So who's going to fix it when Joe Idiot does manage to break it? Everyone supports Windows. Windows is always the same. Finding a technician to work on Linux, or even a tech support number that will give you Linux support, is all but impossible. Why? That leads to my second point. Lack of standardization. There are so many different versions of Linux available, and while they are all fundamentally the same, they are also all very different from each other in many ways. It's a support nightmare, especially from a call center point of view, where you have no idea what the person calling in is actually looking at. This is the conundrum that plagues the Linux community. Without standardization, it's impossible to consistently support, yet standardizing Linux ultimately takes away from what Linux is - open source and freely customizable. Until this dilemma can be solved, Windows will forever remain in the top seat. Also, sort of tying into the lack of support issue, thinking from the standpoint of a PC technician, what do you gain by installing a more stable and secure operating system on a customer's computer? They no longer need to buy your software. They no longer need to come to you every other week to get all the viruses and spyware cleaned off their computer. They no longer need you to reinstall their operating system on a quarterly basis because they've manage to hose it up so badly. So what's in it for them? Face it, as long as you're still running Windows, you're a cash crop to tech support everywhere.

Linux for everyone sounds like a great idea, and a lot of Linux fans have a hard time understanding why everyone wouldn't want to adopt a free, more stable, more secure alternative. But the harsh truth is that, while the software may be free, support never is. It's a problem that will continue to loom over the Linux community. Its diversity is both its greatest advantage and its biggest curse.

REVIEW - Finally, an alternative web browser that doesn't suck.

2004-08-20T23:52:00.000-05:00

Until just recently, I have been using Internet Explorer to find my way around the internet, just like 99.99% of the rest of the online world. It's not really because I like IE, but I've stuck with it really from a lack of other good alternatives. I have messed around with Netscape and Opera and even a couple of other lesser known browsers in the past, but was really disappointed with each of them, and always found myself back on Internet Explorer in short order. Not too long ago I decided to step off the Microsoft bandwagon once more, and give another new browser that has been gaining momentum a try: Firefox. Well, at first it was actually called Phoenix, then they renamed it Firebird, and now it's called Firefox. How the name evolved from a mythical flaming bird to a nickname for the red panda I'll never know, but call it whatever you like, it is easily the greatest web browser I have ever used. It's fast, simple, elegant, stylish, and highly customizable. What's not to like? The browser is very clean, straightforward, and simple. No confusing layout or menus, and even the options menus are very easy to follow. Looking for something more than the basic menu options though? Not a problem. It has the ability to easily download and install tons of additional extensions, giving the browser all kinds of added functionality. You can add RSS and news readers, web developer tools, bookmark managers, download managers, and a large variety of other tools to help you search and navigate and get the most out of the internet. At first I was a little tentative about switching browsers, because I have a couple of 3rd party tools installed on my Internet Explorer that I didn't want to lose, namely my Google toolbar and my download manager, Flashget. I installed the Google toolbar in IE mainly to block popups, but having a Google search box always sitting there has proved quite useful, as well as the form auto-complete feature it has. As it turns out, Firefox already has a built-in popup blocker and a Google search box by default, and just a quick search through the available extensions and I also had a souped up form auto-complete option as well. But what of the download manager? Turns out there are also extensions to add Firefox support to most 3rd party download managers, including Flashget, so looks like I'm all set. But wait, there's more! As long as I was perusing the available extensions, I decided to try a few more of them out. My favorite by far is the Adblocker. Firefox already blocks popups by default, but with this extension you can actually remove banners and ads from within webpages. That's right, it just strips out all the annoying blinking eyesores on the fly so you don't even know they're there. It's fairly simple to configure, and within minutes you get commercial free internet. Simply brilliant. I won't go into all the extensions I installed, and bore you with details on news readers or web developer tools. I'll just sum it up by saying that whatever you use the internet for, Firefox can make it easier. Firefox also has Internet Explorer beat hands down on aesthetics. By default it already looks better than IE, but you can also download new themes for Firefox, completely customizing the interface to your heart's content. Try doing that in Internet Explorer without giving yourself a headache.

In summation, not only is there nothing that Internet Explorer can do that Firefox can't do better, but Firefox has tons of cool features that Internet Explorer can't even come close to touching. I highly recommend downloading it and giving it a try. It's simpler to use, easily customizable, highly configurable, and just plain looks cooler. Thus I give it the new Warped Core stamp of approval:

COMMENTARY - Voting for Dummies

2004-08-17T18:50:00.000-05:00

This is going to be sort of a two part article, covering both the subjects of voting, the sheer brilliance behind the "Dummies" books, and why it's a shame that there isn't actually a "Voting for Dummies" title...

Voting. That's right, it's election season again, and all these stale old farts are on TV droning on and on about why they're so great and why their opponents aren't, in hopes that when the big day comes and you find yourself in that little booth, you will be inspired to clearly mark the entry next to their name. The candidate typically tries to make this impression upon you by prattling endlessly about subjects you've never heard of, don't really care about, and/or don't understand, and you quite frankly wouldn't even know any different if they were just making most of this stuff up. Yet there are all these "vote for something" public service announcements going around, telling you it's your Patriotic duty as a member of a democratic society to vote. Bull crap, I say. I am honestly offended by the very concept. It is at best a half truth. Yes, the right and privelege to vote is at the very foundation of democracy, but it is my opinion that no vote at all is better than an uneducated one. The power to vote without knowledge is a dangerous one, and is actually detrimental to the entire system of democracy. Encouraging people to vote just for the sake of voting is ludicrous. An individual with a solid knowledge and understanding of politics, the candidates, and their policies, who casts his or her vote out of a concern for the well-being of the country can just as easily be undone by some moron who couldn't even point out the nation's capitol on a map and is selecting random entries on the ballot simply because a TV commercial told him that was the "patriotic" thing to do. It is for this reason that I find the whole concept of "just vote for something" unpatriotic. If you don't even know what you're voting for, you're only destroying the entire system by doing so. I'm not saying that anyone does not have the right to vote. Voting is a great power given to us, and any U.S. citizen is free to excersize it. But as wise old Uncle Ben once said to Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility. Voting without any knowledge of what you are voting for is irresponsible and goes against the principles on which a democracy operates. So yes, do vote for something. Just remember that Patriotism simply isn't about voting, but voting responsibly.

Unfortunately, a "Dummies" book does not exist on the subject of voting. It would be able to clear up all these issues for the average American, as well as include a chapter instructing Florida residents on how to clearly mark a ballot. It would be a top seller, I'm sure. I love the "Dummies" books. I think the concept behind them is ingenious. The titles clearly insult you just for picking them up, yet they are bestsellers nonetheless. How they can even get away with this, I don't know. Here are a few of my particularly favorite titles published in the "Dummies" series...

• Sex For Dummies: If you need this book, you shouldn't be procreating anyway.
• Raising Smart Kids For Dummies: Sorry, genetics dictates you've already lost...
• Dog Tricks For Dummies: Sit, dummy, sit! Good dummy...
• Slow Cookers For Dummies: Redundant?
• Starting an Online Business For Dummies: Tips on scamming AOL customers, maybe?
• AOL For Dummies: Again, redundant.
• Alzheimer's For Dummies: Are you stupid, or just forgetful? I can't remember...
• Living Longer For Dummies: Great, just what we need. Idiots with longer life spans.
• Negotiating For Dummies: No really, no need to negotiate. You can keep them all.
• Communicating Effectively For Dummies: Because where would a dummy be without a good translator?
• Preventing Identity Theft For Dummies: For the people that fell victim to someone who read "Starting an Online Business For Dummies".
• NASCAR For Dummies: Another redundant one...
• Florida For Dummies: There's an understatement...
• Writing a Romance Novel For Dummies: Well, who else reads them?
• Inventing for Dummies: How can you invent something if you need a book to tell you how to do it?

COMMENTARY - Neckties: Another reason to hate the French (and your CEO is an idiot)

2004-07-30T14:32:00.000-05:00

I hate ties. I never understood them. What is the meaning of tying a noose around your own neck every morning before heading to the office for work? Is this some sort of sick, depressing symbolism? So I decided to do some digging into the history of the necktie. Here is what I found.

The first version of the necktie found in history actually dates all the way back to 210 B.C. China's first emperor, Emperor QinShihuang, was buried with the likenesses of 7,500 of his best warriors, after being persuaded not to have the soldiers actually buried with him. You may have heard of this terracotta army. If not, here is a link to a site all about it. At any rate, each of these soldiers were modeled and painted in intricate, life-size detail, right down to their neckties. There is no other record of Chinese wearing neckties in that time period, and it is believed that the emperor bestowed them as a symbol of ultimate honor on these soldiers chosen to guard his tomb until the end of time... well, at least have a statue of themselves standing there anyways. Not a bad deal for a silk scarf, I guess.

Neckties next popped up again in 113 A.D., when the Roman Emperor Trajan erects a monument to commemorate his army's victory over the Dacians. The monument is known as Trajan's Column, and here is a link to more information on it, for those of you who know nothing about history and have never heard of this one either. (Alright, in all fairness, this one isn't really well known. But still, shame on you for not knowing anything about the terracotta army.) On this 100-foot tall column are detailed depictions of over 2,000 soldiers, once again all wearing neckties. It was not common practice for Roman soldiers to sport neckware, so again it is believed that these legionnaires are depicted wearing ties as a symbol of honor for their skill in battle.

We don't see any neckties around again until about 1660. A Croatian regiment was visiting Paris for a celebration of a hard fought military victory over Turkey, and the soldiers were presented as heroes before King Louis XIV. The French king immediately noticed the colorful handkerchiefs the soldiers wore around their necks as a sign of honor, and he immediately thought it would be a great idea to cheapen their symbol of military superiority by spreading it all over the French courts as the latest fashion. This of course resulted in it spreading throughout all the courts of Europe, and then soon anyone wishing to so much as pretend that they were well-to-do had to tie something around their neck in order to do so, and somehow the unfortunate tradition stuck.

But as if France wasn't enough to blame for this insidious fashion requirement, in the 1920's a shrewd fashion designer out of Paris by the name of Jean Patou came up with an even more sinister ploy - the designer tie. Using women's clothing patterns and designs derived from the latest art movements, he created an extraordinarily expensive line of ties targeted at women. And the trick worked. Women bought the ties like mad for their significant male counterparts, and the designer tie industry took off. In fact, today 80 percent of ties are bought by women. Don't believe me? Ask any guy how many ties he has, and how many of those he actually bought for himself.

Fashion historians have long been predicting the demise of the necktie, yet it seems to only gain popularity to the point of being a requirement in many circumstances. Why is this? Personally, I blame company CEOs. They are the Kings and Emperors of our modern business world. An unfortunate condition indeed, given the fact that most CEOs are idiots. So since the CEOs wear neckties, all the managers wear neckties. And since all the managers wear neckties, all the supervisors wear neckties. And of course, since all the supervisors wear neckties, all the underlings wear neckties. So when that underling gets promoted to supervisor, then manager, then becomes the new company CEO, he's still wearing the blasted thing. Why? Just because that's the way it has always been done, and typically by the time an employee makes it as high as CEO, any inkling of free thinking has long since been replaced with conformity, so the necktie stays and everyone under him continues to wear them as well, and the cycle continues. If only a couple of major CEOs were struck by lightning and realized, "hey, why do I bother tying this ridiculous thing around my neck every morning when it's uncomfortable and has no useful function? I think I'll stop wearing them." The affects would cascade down the business model, and soon we would be tie free, and there would be no more accidental deaths due to ties getting caught in industrial shredders. Talk about your occupational hazard.

COMMENTARY - Curse of the Carpool Lane?

2004-07-22T20:33:00.000-05:00

I hate Phoenix. (Did I mention that already?) Escpecially driving in it. Now, it's not nearly as bad as it was a year ago before I left, when they were just realizing that the freeways were way too small for the number of people driving on them, and everything was under construction while they worked frantically to correct this problem with additional lanes. It took me 45 minutes for a 6 mile commute in those days. But now the construction is finished, and we now have something like a 12 lane wide freeway of total chaos instead of a six lane one. Everyone still drives like a maniac, now there's just extra room to do it in. The traffic is appalling, after moving back here from a relatively small town. Where are all these people going at 2:00 in the afternoon? Shouldn't they be at work or something? Between the still crowded freeways and the 120 degree heat, it's no wonder road rage is so prevalent here. But I noticed an interesting phenomenon on my drive today. Even with everyone driving like they're Mad Max, the carpool lane stays astonishingly clear. I saw countless idiots go screaming by, weaving in and out of six lanes of traffic in a futile effort to get in front of rush hour, yet not a single one of them veered as far left as to illegally enter the carpool lane. I am still baffled by the reasoning for this. With such blatant disregard for the equally visible speed limit signs, what makes them heed the regulations of the carpool lane? Amidst all the chaos on the rest of the freeway, that far left lane somehow inexplicably remains an aisle of tranquility. Part of the reasoning I'm sure is that if you are caught, it's a ticket you can't talk your way out of. You may be able to get away with "Honestly officer, my speedometer said I was only going 65, it must be off by 30 miles per hour...", or "It's not my fault I rear ended him while I was weaving in and out of traffic, he slammed on his brakes on purpose!" But what are you going to say if you get pulled over for abusing the carpool lane? "No really, I had a passenger with me, he just jumped out on me in the middle of the freeway just before you pulled me over!" Good luck with that one. Yet even so, you'd think there would still be that handful of idiots that would tempt fate and slip into the carpool lane anyway, just to see how long they can get away with it. Not once did I see this happen though. So what is this unseen force keeping the carpool lane clear? I have yet to discover the answer to this unusual phenomenon, but deem it worth further investigation. The best way to do this would be for me to illegally enter the carpool lane myself the next time I am out driving, and see what happens. Wish me luck...

COMMENTARY - The State of Oklahoma Owes Me $2.50

2004-07-20T02:32:00.000-05:00

Funny to think that I just spent a year in Wisconsin, and I hardly even touched my blog until I wound up moving back to Arizona. Maybe it's just that the desert heat brings out my cynical nature. Who knows. At any rate, here's a long overdue update.

As I was saying, I just moved back across the country to Arizona. For those of you who know how much I hate the desert and are sitting there pondering why I would ever make such a move after I spent so much time complaining how I couldn't wait to get out of this state, don't ask. Just don't, okay? For as much as I like to write, that's too long of an explanation for even me to go into, and it's frankly none of your business. Anywho, let's get back to my cross country drive. The trip took in total about 3 days of driving, at 10+ hours a day. Needless to say, the journey was a tad arduous. But what I never suspected was that the most brutal leg of the trek would be through the seemingly innocent state of Oklahoma. Who would have thought? But don't let the ruse created by the ostensibly benign musical of the same name fool you into thinking it's a happy-go-lucky place where the wind goes sweeping through the plains. That wind ain't sweeping anywhere without going through a toll booth or three. The entire state is riddled with them. Well, that, and spiders. It's really kinda creepy actually, all along the interstate you can see these trees just buried in spiderwebs, like giant sticks of arachnophobic cotton candy. Anyways, I'm getting off the topic. Toll booths. Why is this the only state I passed through that had a toll booth every ten minutes? I mean honestly, what makes Oklahoma's roads so special to warrant paying that much for them, when every other state seems content to let me travel along free of charge? Come to think of it, most everyone else must be aware of this ridiculous phenomenon specific to this state, for I saw less traffic passing through Oklahoma than any other part of my trip. I am extremely lucky I had a plethora of coinage floating around my car when I entered that state, or else I'm sure I would have had an Oklahoma state trooper chasing after me for pocket change before long. You couldn't avoid them. Toll booths to get on the highway. Toll booths to get off the highway. The signs directing traffic into the correct toll lanes were very confusing to follow too, so sometimes you'd end up getting off the highway in the wrong spot altogether, where you would have to pay a toll, and then you would have to pay the toll again to get back on in the right spot. I swear I ended up paying for the same stretch of highway at least twice that way. I never exactly figured out how they decided how much to charge at each toll booth either, because every one of them was a different rate, from 45 cents to almost five dollars. It's like a modern day take on an old fairy tale story. Most any fairy tale depicting travelers traveling anywhere eventually had at least one bridge the group would need to cross, a bridge inevitably guarded by a troll. This troll of course would not let them pass without either giving him something ridiculous, or correctly answering a riddle. I think it's little coincidence that if you drop the "r" in troll that you end up with the word toll, as this same principle still seems prevalent throughout the state of Oklahoma. Well, minus the riddle part. Actually, I would have greatly appreciated it, had they incorporated that aspect into their toll system as well. "That will be $4.50 sir. Unless, of course, you can tell me, what is the average airspeed of an unladen swallow?" I may have made it out of that state with enough money for lunch that day, or at least been somewhat more amused by this legal highway robbery. So anyways, here's a traveling tip from the TribbleHunter: travel through Kansas, travel through Texas, but stay out of Oklahoma. Between the spiders and the toll booths, you'll be doing yourself a favor, especially if you're an arachnophobic who never carries loose change.

NEWS - Back from the dead! (again...)

2004-06-24T13:48:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know, this blog comes back to life more often than bad horror movie sequels. But finally, as promised, here's the big site design update! Look around, admire the no longer ugly color scheme, the clean and simple layout, the easily resizable text, the marvelous use of CSS2... Umm... that's it for now, I'm afraid. Hopefully the new look will encourage you to look through my archives while I work to actually get some new content up now...

COMMENTARY - Why Geeks Don't Need Drugs

2003-07-29T02:21:00.000-05:00

and
The Epic Saga of a Tribal Warrior, Episode I
If one were asked to conjure up in their head the image of the quintessential geek, I feel it's safe to say that typical substance abuse does not generally come to mind. One does not think of a crackhead, pothead, acid tweaker, nor probably even an alcoholic, but rather some dumpy, disheveled guy staring at a monitor through his thick glasses, with piles of pizza boxes and Mountain Dew cans close at hand. Rather than argue this stereotype (come on, all you geeks know that at some point or another, you fit it...) I'll just continue on with my explanation as to why Geeks don't need such traditional drugs. Oh, they get their drugs alright, but just not as you know them. They're called "video games". Maybe you've heard of them. To a geek, they are just as addictive. They come in varying levels of potency, can result in good or bad trips, and can have just as wide an array of effects on the user, from loss of sleep, anxiety, obsessive behavior, spasms, to even violence and death, under extreme circumstances. At least if you believe the propaganda on FOX every time there's been a school shooting, anyways. Every true geek has at least one of these substances from which they need to get their fix. Most are somewhat casual users, who will restrict themselves to only a couple of drugs, and exhibit some semblance of control over their usage of their substances. While these individuals may seem normal enough during working hours, you can be assured that, once they have a free moment, they will be in front of that computer getting their fix. Just one drug isn't enough for some geeks though. They can soon develop a tolerance resulting from their constant usage of a particular substance, and soon have to move onto the newest and latest drug to keep their fix going, no matter what the cost. $50 and my soul up front, plus $15 a month for the rest of eternity? Sure, no problem, whatever it takes... These geek/junkies are usually fairly easy to identify, with their pasty white complexion, buggy eyes, frazzled hair, and the ever-present black t-shirt. That is to say, if you were to ever see one tear themselves away from their computer and step out into the light of day in the first place, which is a fairly rare occasion. (You may on occasion see them after dark on the weekend at your local laser tag arena though. This is what geek/junkies refer to as "exercise". They may possibly also be spotted at Magic: The Gathering tournaments, which they refer to as "socializing".) Denying a geek their fix is a bad idea. The geek will often suffer withdrawal symptoms, and will begin to exhibit aggressive behavior. Interrupting a geek in the midst of a hit is an even worse idea, and can potentially result in dismemberment of any individual standing between a geek and his drug. Geek "drug" abuse is in fact quite prevalent, and while not technically an illegal substance, it results in varying degrees of the same effects amongst its users and should be considered just as dangerous. Well, except for, no matter what way you put it, there's not much threatening about a dumpy, pasty-complexioned guy who's mousing hand accounts for 90% of his muscle matter... For the record, I myself am as guilty as any here, and have a serious geek drug obsession of my own. It's called Tribes. No, not Tribes 2, I'm talking old school. The original Tribes. I know over the last few weeks, I've been coming up with excuses as to why I haven't been posting, telling you that I've been busy settling in after my big move across the country, and that I've been busy looking for a new job. While these statements may be factual, it is also true that I've probably still managed to put in a good 100 hours of Tribes over the past two weeks. I spent three months (at work) doing nothing but tweaking my collection of scripts, skins, and mods for Tribes. I play obsessively every chance I get. In fact, I am now even going to start inflicting my latest Tribes gaming experiences on my readers, through dramatized recreations of my latest matches. There. That way you can't say I don't update my site often enough anymore. Well... until we get into our new apartment at the end of the week and I'm stuck back on dialup for a while anyways... TribbleHunter and the battle with "Junior" It was a slow night for war. The Hunter surveyed the board for the hottest battle spots at which he could offer his services, but the night seemed occupied only by mere minor skirmishes. Reluctant to turn away at such an early hour without even the faintest taste of blood, he found a sparsely populated location to bring his guns to bear. Landing with a thud, the Hunter set to work. He started with a simple construction of turrets to defend the home base and protect the flag, that worthless piece of fabric stuck on a pole that was for some reason the typical object and focus of the battle. But Trib quickly grew tired of waiting around for the action, and switched into offensive gear to go find the action for himself. Packing chameleon armor with a cloaking device, he was ready to infiltrate the enemy base undetected. At first, it was all too easy. Like a tumbleweed of razorwire, he silently slipped through the enemy base, shredding everything in his path. He swiped the enemy flag right out of their great hall, deftly blasting its two defenders with a well planted plastic explosive charge 2 seconds later. Homeward bound with the enemy's flag on his back, Trib scored one for the home team. And then another. And another. Two round trips later, TribbleHunter found himself on an empty server. The competition had surrendered and headed for home, and his teammates, also declaring victory, had also left, either for home themselves or in search of a more active battlefront. The Hunter was just ready to go look for battle elsewhere himself, when a new enemy warrior arrived on the scene. Somewhat bored with the lack of action, Trib decided to hang out anyway and mess with the guy. Sneaking into his opponent's base, he hacked into one of the enemy inventory stations and began deploying turrets. He chuckled to himself. There was nothing more annoying to an opponent than to be shot down in his own base by enemy offensive turrets. The sound of the Hunter's chuckle quickly turned to a gasp of horror as a large green mortar flew from around the corner and landed at his feet. As he and his cleverly laid defense were blasted to pieces, he heard his opponent scoff. "Offensive turreting? How junior." Respawning back in his own base, Trib shook off the blow. "Junior? How do you define Junior?" he bit back. "Lacking real skill", his adversary retorted. It was at this point Trib noticed the tag before his opponents name. A clanner. While Trib respected clan members for their skill, honed in a fierce competition environment, he was not one to let his solo style be outdone by some trash talking arrogant clanner. "Wanna see real skill then? Meet me for a duel!" the Hunter challenged. Trib had carefully honed his skills in the art of dueling, and while still not able to take on truly elite clanners, he could hold his own and come out on top in most matches. And arrogant clanners always took the bait of a challenge... "Nah, not my style", the clanner replied. TribbleHunter was shocked. Never had a clanner turned down a direct challenge before. He tried again. "What, so you're 'junior' at dueling then?" Surely that would get his attention. The clanner only replied with, "Not really, no." TribbleHunter had little time to sit in frustration over his opponent's lack of cooperation, for he suddenly found himself face to face with the clanner, now standing in his base. A short firefight ensued, and shortly after both warriors were respawning. Conversation ceased at that point, and all further talk was done with a gun barrel. But TribbleHunter was slipping. He had given the clanner the opportunity he needed to enter his base, and obviously being a base infiltration specialist for his clan, Trib was fighting a losing battle. They were fighting on the clanner's terms now. Through each skirmish, the Hunter watched as slowly, inch by inch, he lost more of his base, until he heard that dreaded sound: the clanner had his flag. TribbleHunter redoubled his efforts, and through several more bloody skirmishes managed to return his flag and secure it in the base once more. But the clanner was unrelenting, and soon the sound came again. Trib chased after the clanner, shooting wildly as he took off out the front entrance and jetted out across the sky towards the safety of his own base, carrying that worthless piece of cloth on a stick with him. All had been lost. As the clanner disappeared over the horizon, with flag in tow, the humiliated Hunter dropped his weapons in shame and left for home. He would ponder this. He would contemplate the error of his tactics, and he would be back. No clanner robs TribbleHunter of his honor! Oh yes, my friend, we will meet again...

NEWS - Site Update

2003-07-23T01:50:00.000-05:00

Okay, starting to get back on the ball here. I finally changed over the commenting script to Haloscan from BlogOut, which has been out intermittently the past couple weeks, for those who may have noticed. So my small handfull of old comments are now lost forever. Oh well. I doubt Haloscan will crap out on me like that, so I shouldn't have this problem again. Also added a couple new buttons on the column to the left to allow for text resizing on my blog, for those of you who favor something other than 10 point font. Anyways, finding a new job has turned out to be not quite as easy as I expected. I do have a couple interviews tomorrow though, so hopefully things will settle down and get back to normal soon, and I'll be able to post more frequently again. I've been sitting on some good stuff to post too...

LINK - Japaneurysm

2003-07-05T01:47:00.000-05:00

I love Japan. Many, many excellent and wonderful things have come out of that country that have enriched all of our lives. Well, at least mine, anyways. That said, this old video for Zelda on the Super Famicon is definitely not one of those shining moments. Cel shading Zelda with Windwaker was outrageous enough, but this video is something far more sinister. I am at a loss for words to describe my contempt at it's nearly sacrilegious portrayal of Zelda, yet at the same time it does have a catchy beat...

NEWS - Warped Core 2: The Wrath of TribbleHunter

2003-07-01T21:30:00.000-05:00

If Kahn ever actually had any memorable lines that weren't already quoted from something else, I would put one of them here. Guess who's back? Yes, the tales of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Well, mostly anyways. I lost my job, and while I'm busy trying to file a grievance with the Union in regards to my obviously wrongful termination, I ended up finally moving across the country as I had been trying to do for the past couple years anyway. So I lost my crappy job, for which I might end up getting big bucks from them as a result, and family members paid most of my moving costs to get me out of that hellhole into a more pleasant climate. (To all you suckers still living in Arizona, HAHA, it's 75 degrees and breezy here today. Hope you're enjoying your triple digit temperatures and stagnant, dust-laden air. Oh, and all the fires. We get rain here, so we don't have that problem either.) So where's the downside to this? I can't think of any. Well, other than having to find another job, of course. I looked into retiring, but after buying that cheeseburger I discovered my funds had been noticeably depleted. So upon the revelation that, no matter what way you invest it, 50 cents is not enough to retire upon, I have come to the sad conclusion that I have no other choice but to find another job. Ah well. I can only hope that this one will bear somewhat less of a resemblance to the movie Office Space. At any rate, I'm back, my computer is built, and I have internet access now. That's all that really matters, right? I've got quite a collection of news articles and websites I'll get around to putting up shortly. Also thinking of changing my commenting script to HaloScan now that it's reopened. I'll lose all my old comments, but oh well. Not like anybody ever really uses it anyway. At any rate, I have returned, so be looking for new content again soon. Until then, witness further evidence that cats can ruin absolutely anything. *sigh* I hate cats...

COMMENTARY - The Pink Razor Conspiracy

2003-05-27T14:26:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's been so long. I'm still awaiting internet access at home, plus they've finally caught on to me at work with the internet abuse, and I've been issued a semi-formal warning for the misconduct. While that certainly has a way of hampering my posting here, it by no means is going to stop me from providing fresh content to my growing audience of eight. So without further ado, the Pink Razor Conspiracy. Razors used to be a fairly generic and simple object. A cheap plastic stick with one sharp little blade on it. They came in varying colors, but in general were of a unisex model. They all had the same design, and aside from differing shades of plastic, they were otherwise identical. Then along came all these innovations in the area of severing hair follicles from your epidermis. They added more blades, a lubricating pad, and reusable handles with disposable blades. At first they marketed these new inventions mostly to men, but soon discovered that many women were buying them as well. Thus a new variation of the same blade was created specifically for women. So to recap, we went from one generic universal razor to two seemingly identical yet slightly different models varying on sex. Why bother? Why not continue to offer the same universal solution? Solely to make more money, of course. As I said, the two models have slight differences between them. Namely, the women's model lasts longer than the men's model. This forces men to go out and spend more money on new razors with greater frequency, thus making the company more money. So having figured this out, why wouldn't a man just use the woman's razor? Simple. It's pink. No self respecting man would ever shave with some curvy handled pink razor with a name like "Venus". He needs a manly razor, in manly silvers, blacks, and blues, with a manly name, like "Mach 3". Now that's a manly razor. I'm sure all the chicks in the marketing department for Gillette are laughing all the way to the bank.

COMMENTARY - Not enough anti?

2003-05-16T16:56:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention that for an anti-weblog weblog, I don't gripe about weblogs enough. Allow me to remedy that. I had thought about creating an additional list to accompany my list of blogs that don't suck, to encompass the most dreadful, appalling, ghastly, horrific, and otherwise mind numbingly stupid weblogs to be found on the internet. But the problem is, there are just so many of them, and sorting out the absolute worst of them was enough to give me an aneurysm. Besides, the last thing I want to do for a crappy blog is give them a link. So here's a ranting post instead. I have determined that the big problem with weblogs is actually due to their ease of use. Since any idiot can set one up with no more effort than filling out a form and selecting a template, their is no sort of natural selection involved to weed out the marginally literate or the chronically stupid, to prevent them from spreading their incomprehensible idiocy across the internet. Their first week of posting usually resembles something like "test", "testing", "still testing", "First post!", "Hello?", "Is anybody out there?", and "Does this thing work?", after which their seemingly boundless intellect dries up like dog crap on the sidewalk under the summer sun, leaving them with nothing further to say. But they won't let a little thing like content stop them from posting. That's when they start using not only a template for their site, but templates for their posts as well, with stupid lists and quizzes and surveys and horoscopes and little questionnaires that determine which pop singer or movie star your personality supposedly most closely matches. Wow. That's almost as much fun as watching these webcams. Honestly folks, if you don't have anything to say and you are only going to post the exact same thing as every other clueless idiot with a weblog, why bother at all? What's the point of having a site to share your thoughts and creativity when you don't have any of either? You're a pothole on the information superhighway. You are only getting in everybody's way and eventually someone is just going to pave you over.

COMMENTARY - They just don't write children's books like they used to...

2003-05-15T10:21:00.000-05:00

I wish this were a joke and I could take credit for some humorous Photoshop work, but sadly enough this book was actually published. Click on the picture if you don't believe me. It's actually rather old, and finding copies to purchase are becoming thankfully scarce, but like any instance of true idiocy, it is nevertheless timeless. What was the author thinking? More importantly, how did a title like that slip by the editors? And would you really want to tell your friends, family, and neighbors that your child learned to cook by Cooking with Pooh? Even children's book aren't safe for children any longer...

REVIEW: Adventures in Geekland - Alternative Operating Systems for the Masses

2003-05-14T15:59:00.000-05:00

Due to the extremely technical topic of this post, I have created two versions of this same article. The one below is for the less technically inclined and the lazy bastards. The version found here is my technical paper, available for anyone who might be interested in undertaking a similar endeavor in booting multiple operating systems.
Everybody likes the word "free". But there's usually a catch. The old adage "you get what you pay for" generally holds true, and PC operating systems have been no exception to this rule. Until now. Linux has been a rapidly growing force in the geek community for decades. It's an open source system, meaning anyone with the proper knowledge can essentially take the hood off the engine and play around inside, altering it however they like. This availability to the inner workings of the operating system is also the source of its development, where geeks with their spare time have contributed improvements and additions to it over the years. The positive results of this gradual development from sources worldwide is self evident. Linux is one of the most stable operating systems to be found today, has a wide range of programs, and is still free to the public. There have been, however, some negative effects as a result of open source development as well. Many different versions of Linux have resulted, making it difficult for the consumer to discern any difference between them and determine which one best suits their needs. Also, without a large staff of highly paid programmers like some other software company we all know, development has been fairly slow for Linux. Windows software does not run natively under Linux either, so it requires a bit of a transition to learn their Linux alternatives. Many programs, like most games for example, just aren't available on Linux at all, which can make switching to a solely Linux-based system tough for many users. Until recently Linux was also very difficult for the average user to install, but thankfully many of the more popular versions have overcome this hurdle now.
So here I am, with my new computer and still without internet. So I got bored and decided to see how many operating systems I could install on one hard drive. I had a friend download a few of the more popular Linux distributions and bring them over, and I went to work. I ended up tinkering with five different operating systems altogether. From Microsoft we have Windows 98SE and Windows 2000 Pro, in the Linux camp is Red Hat and Mandrake, and then there's the redheaded Unix stepchild, FreeBSD.
I'll spare you all the exciting details of my multi-booting adventure. If you really want to know, read my full technical article on how I did it here. I will limit the remainder of this post to only a review of these operating systems.
FreeBSD. This is the type of installation nightmare that gives Linux/Unix a bad name. The menus aren't user friendly, it doesn't walk you through any real installation sequence, forcing you to guess what to do next, and partitioning the drives from within the installer is like reading an alien language. Twice I tried to install it, and twice I mucked it up. I never did actually get it running. This one is definitely for the more hardcore experienced Unix geek who likes to memorize the exact geometry of his hard drives and can write his own partition tables by start and end sectors by hand. It sounds like a joke, but sadly enough I'm dead serious...
Mandrake 9.0. A breeze to install. It booted right off the CD, brought up a beautiful graphical interface, and walked you through the installation simple as that. The installation was well documented, and you could find help for any feature you might be looking at, right while you were installing it. It comes with tons of bells and whistles and all sorts of little programs and utilities, many of which one could easily question their practicality or usefulness. Two of my favorites are the Tea Cooker, and the googly eye thing. Yes, the Tea Cooker. It puts an icon in your task bar. You click on it, and tell it what kind of tea you are making. It then counts down the appropriate amount of time to allow that tea to brew, and then pops up with a dialog box saying "Your tea is now ready." Yessir, you can't get that kind of quality software on Windows. Then the googly eyes... it... puts googly eyes on your desktop. The eyes just follow your mouse pointer, looking at it wherever it goes. Definitely a necessity. Everyone should have googly eyes on their desktop. Aside from some rather ridiculous extras, this OS is no joke though. I'd definitely recommend Mandrake as the Linux distribution of choice if you're the type of person who likes to tinker with all the little settings and configuration options on your system.
Red Hat 8.0. The installation experience was very similar to Mandrake. It booted right off the CD, had a nice graphical interface, and also offered loads of help on installation options. For some reason I found the Mandrake install slightly easier to work with, although this is just a personal perference. Both were remarkably easy to install. In use, Red Hat had a somewhat more professional feel to it. This is not to say it ran better than Mandrake, just that the overall appearance felt cleaner, simpler, and better organized, with less menus and options to confuse you with. If you're looking for a serious, no-nonsense replacement to Windows, then Red Hat is for you.
In use, both distributions bare an initial resemblence to Windows. However, one will quickly find that there are numerous differences. Thankfully, Linux is very well documented, and you can find detailed help on virtually every aspect of the operating system within its own help files. Linux is also very stable and secure, and under an average user account there is little fear of the user messing up the system or altering it irreparably while experimenting.
So who should consider Linux, and why? Honestly, I think these two distributions have shown that, without a doubt, Linux is ready for the masses. They are easy to install, and run far more stable than Windows. They provide much of the same functionality for most common computer tasks, such as office applications, and you can't beat the cost of FREE. Yet, transitioning to a new operating system is a big step for most home users. If they buy a new computer and it already has Windows installed, why bother even messing with something else? It would be nice to see more PC manufacturers ship computers with Linux, or even PC's that dual boot with Windows and Linux, but Microsoft has a vice grip on the industry, chaining most household PC manufacturers to contractual obligations forbidding them from such activity. As a result, the average home user will not bother with Linux. Where Linux can and is really making inroads in is with businesses. What better way to cut costs than to switch to a free operating system and tell Microsoft where they can stick their corporate liscences? You save money and improve stability at the same time, it's a win-win situation. And corporations are where the money is really at anyway, so it is really a bigger threat to Microsoft here than on the home PC. I can see Linux continuing to gain ground with businesses and geeks alike. It has developed enough of a following to make Microsoft worry, and worry they should. However, due to the lack of compatibility with Windows software in Linux, Microsoft's iron grip on the market, and the general laziness and lack of technical knowledge of the general public, I think it will still be some time before it's a real contender for Microsoft on the household desktop PC.

Review - Dew or Die!

2003-05-07T14:50:00.000-05:00

Mountain Dew versus tap water. It's a debate far more serious than you might expect. I'm going to do a little analysis here comparing tap water to Mountain Dew to determine which, in fact, is better for you. My inspiration was this annual water quality report I received in the mail from the City Utilities Department today. Allow me to detail some of my favorite excerpts.
"The City can experience seasonal taste and odor problems associated with the drinking water... The primary causes are Geosmin and Methylisoborneol (MIB), non-harmful, naturally occurring compounds associated with algae growth in lakes and canals." Yum. Thanks, but if I wanted to drink algae, I'd stick my head in my fish tank.
Then we get into the section on "Possible Contaminants", which apparently algae wasn't considered as one, having it's own separate section elsewhere on the report. "Drinking water may reasonably be expected to contain at least small amounts of some contaminants... As water travels over the surface of the land or through the ground, it dissolves naturally occurring minerals and, in some cases radioactive material, and can pick up substances resulting from the presence of animals or from human activity. Contaminants that may be present in source water include:
Microbial contaminants, such as viruses and bacteria that may come from sewage treatment plants, septic systems, agricultural livestock operations, and wildlife.
Inorganic contaminants, such as salts and metals, which can be naturally occurring or result from urban storm water runoff, industrial or domestic wastewater discharges, oil and gas production, mining, or farming.
Pesticides and herbicides, which may come from a variety of sources such as agriculture, urban storm water runoff, and residential uses.
Organic Chemical Contaminants, including synthetic and volatile organic chemicals, which are by-products of industrial processes and petroleum production, and can also come from gas stations, urban storm water runoff, and septic systems.
Radioactive contaminants, which can be naturally occurring or be the result of oil and gas production and mining activities.
Wow. So theoretically, at any given time I could be drinking small portions of a radioactive dung beetle that fell victim to a roach bait trap, which then rolled into leaky gas station sewer with some runoff during an acid rain storm. But that's not all. The water quality data table also indicated traces of the following: arsenic, asbestos, barium, calcium, chromium, copper, lead, nickel, radium, and selenium, just to name a few of the more easy to pronounce ones. While these are all reported as within FDA regulatory levels, I hardly feel that consumption of these substances at any level on a regular basis can be good for you.
Conversely, here are the contents of a can of Mountain Dew: Carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup and/or sugar, concentrated orange juice and other natural flavors, citric acid, sodium benzoate (preserves freshness), caffeine, sodium citrate, gum arabic, yellow 5, erythorbic acid (preserves freshness), calcium disodium EDTA (to protect flavor) and brominated vegetable oil. I think the comparison speaks for itself. However, since I know half of you people who visit my site crumble under my seemingly inexhaustible verbosity and can never actually finish reading my posts, here's a chart for you lazy bastards.

VS.

	Water	Mt. Dew
Algae growth	Y	N
Arsenic	Y	N
Asbestos	Y	N
Fecal waste (crap)	Y	N
Microbial floaty things	Y	N
Radioactive waste	Y	?
Various poisons	Y	N
Various metals	Y	N
Good for fish to swim in	Y	N
Bubbly carbonation	N	Y
Caffeine	N	Y
Sugar	N	Y
It looks cool	N	Y
*It's supposed* to be yellow**	N	Y

There you have it, irrefutable evidence that Mountain Dew is better for you than water. So stay away from that tap, rush down to your local grocery or convenience store, and load up on the caffienated yellow goodness that is Mt. Dew. This has been a public service announcement.

REVIEW - Lost, but not forgotten: A gaming past revisited.

2003-05-02T16:09:00.000-05:00

That's right, my computer is finally built! There is however an unfortunate problem with the cable lines in my neighborhood preventing me from attaining internet access at the moment, so I have had some time to dust off some old gear and relive some old memories. We're not talking ancient history here, but definitely of things from which most gamers have moved on to newer and "better" things. Alright, so what am I talking about already? Descent 3, and the PantherXL.
I have followed Decent since it's inception. Not quite a first person shooter, yet not quite a flight sim either, the series sits in a unique category all to its own. I have yet to find another game that equals the feeling of getting lost in a 360 degree maze, as Descent does so well. This third installation of the series is by far and away the best, a culmination of everything that made the previous two great, with all manners of new features as well. This episode takes the fight above ground, and while many of the levels are still of the same mineshaft mayhem that gave so many gamers vertigo in the first two games, there are numerous levels that now have you fighting out under the beautiful open sky. The game is several years old now, but the time and effort put into its creation still shines through. The game scenery and graphics are beautiful and even the animated cutscenes are still of good quality, even by many of today's game standards. This game also by far has my favorite opening sequence to any game ever, with a cinematic quality so strong it feels more like the beginning of a movie than a game. The opening theme song during this sequence is breathtaking, and the soundtrack in general is quite excellent as well. The sound effects are also superb. It still holds on to many of the sounds that greeted gamers in the series' first installment, providing some updates on them, with many new effects added as well. The game picks up right where Descent 2 left off, and you are now seeking revenge against the very man that employed you in the previous games, after his attempt to have you killed. Descent 3 has a much stronger plot than its predecessors, and is aided by the animation sequences between levels. Where previously the goal to each level was nothing more than blowing up a reactor somewhere, each mission now has clearly defined and varying objectives, progressing you through an actual storyline (what a concept). The controls, as always, are stellar. They are extremely customizable to practically any joystick, keyboard, mouse, or any combination thereof. In fact, you almost need all three to play this game well. Maintaining constant control over three different axes is no simple task without a joystick. If you were to play a match online (assuming anyone still does play it online), it becomes immediately evident who has the control of a joystick and who is a "keyboard lamer". Descent 3 has evolved elegantly from it's ancestors into a game that holds true to its origins yet has adapted to a more modern gaming style, look, and feel. Yet somehow, the game still flopped. Perhaps 360 degree disorientation just isn't what the general public looks for in a game. The game failed so miserably in fact, that no one even dares to pick it up again for a Descent 4 sequel, which is really quite unfortunate. I truly hope that one day, someone will decide to pick up this series again, dust it off, and give it another run. But in the meantime, Descent 3 still has some gas left in it.
In an analogous predicament, is the MadCatz PantherXL. A device that is similarly unique in the game controller world, it resembles a joystick and a trackball half melded together into one giant conglomeration of the two. I admit I was skeptical of the beast in the beginning myself, but it only takes a short while to get used to it, and I have found that it provides an unequaled level of control in first person shooters and flight sims alike. My only complaint is the miniscule excuse for a throttle control. On a monstrosity that big there is surely plenty of room to stick a respectably sized throttle, yet they tossed in this tiny little piece of plastic instead, almost as an afterthought. That one caveat aside, it is one of the finest gaming peripherals I have ever laid hands on, with its solid construction, lots of buttons, and unique design. Too bad they don't make them anymore. MadCatz has long since dropped out of the PC peripheral business to focus solely on the console gaming market, and thus the PantherXL has sadly dropped out of production. The controller hasn't even had official support since Windows 98, but luckily I managed to dig up some Windows 2000 drivers for it off the internet. While I now have it running flawlessly with Descent 3, several other titles I have tried will not even recognize the controller. I am uncertain whether this is an issue with the drivers I downloaded or the games I am trying to play with it, but either way, support for this controller is definitely dying out. And so yet another brilliant and unique gaming product fades away into history and memory.
With the overabundance of new games devoid of creativity or ingenuity, sometimes it's good to look back and remember the landmarks in one's gaming history and recall a time when game designs that are now cliche were once clever and new. While I know it is now virtually impossible to get your hands on a PantherXL, I would still recommend Descent 3 to anybody with a decent joystick of any kind, as there are still copies of the game floating around that can be had for under $15.

Graphics: 8/10		OVERALL
Sound: 9/10
Gameplay: 8/10
Ingenuity: 9/10
Replay Value: 8/10
Violent Vertigo Vomiting: 10/10		9/10

Construction: 9/10		OVERALL
Accuracy: 10/10
Comfort: 9/10
Installation: 5/10
Support: 3/10
A useful trackball!: 10/10		8/10

NEWS - PETA, hamburgers, and a barbecue.

2003-04-29T15:33:00.000-05:00

Just when you think PETA can't possibly do anything even more idiotic than they already have, they always come up with a new way to surprise you. Today in fact, we have two. First up, PETA president Ingrid Newkirk has drawn up a will stating a list of abominable and atrocious acts that are to be committed with her remains upon her death. These feats of idiocy include barbecuing her flesh, using her skin to make leather products, turning her feet into umbrella stands, and as a personal request she wants her heart buried near the Ferrari pits at the Hockenheim Formula One racing circuit in Germany. Oh, she says it's not totally selfish, because Michael Schumacher once actually signed a letter for PETA against experiments on monkeys, right, of course. I'm sure he really wants your heart in his Ferrari pit as a thank you memento. Anyway my question is, what exactly does she hope to accomplish with all this? The only thing I can think of is publicity for PETA. I cannot see my life being strongly affected by some nutcase having some bizarre instructions carried out with her carcass. In fact, these acts are so outlandish they only distract from the message they are attempting to convey. "We hope it will start a trend," Newkirk said. Sure, I'll hop on the bandwagon. I'm going to write in my will that when I die, my ass is to be mounted on a plaque and delivered to PETA's headquarters, with an engraving reading "May the moon forever shine upon all your endeavors." Oooh, I feel so trendy.
As long as we're on the topic of PETA and barbecuing, they have also approached the city of Hamburg, NY with the request to rename their town to Veggieburg. The offer was immediately declined, in spite of PETA's "generous" offer to donate $15,000 worth of veggieburgers to the city's schools. I'm sure the kiddies would have loved that. This is not the first time PETA has sought for a New York town to change it's name and forsake it's history and heritage for the ridiculous purpose of a avoiding conjuring up images of animal abuse at their mention. Before confronting the birthplace of the hamburger, it was Fishkill in 1996, a town of Dutch heritage, where "kill" is the Dutch word for "stream". Again, instead of walking away wanting a veggieburger as PETA would hope, I instead come out of this story with a new appreciation for Hamburg's heritage, and craving a nice big juicy cheeseburger. Looks like you botched up another one, PETA.
When will PETA learn that negative attention does not equate to good attention?

NEWS - A tribute to Florida schools

2003-04-29T13:43:00.000-05:00

A Florida high school teacher failed the math portion of the state teacher's certification six times. Not like she can count that high anyway. They're threatening to take her job away if she can't manage to pass it on the seventh try. Thinking like a Floridiot, I can see where they would say, hey, what's it matter? She's an English teacher. But you'd think even a Floridiot would appoint someone else who can perhaps count as the secretary-treasurer of their Teacher's Association...

COMMENTARY - MMORPG's: The final nail in the Geek's social coffin

2003-04-24T12:03:00.000-05:00

FACT: Geeks usually suffer from a serious lack of a social life. FICTION: Playing games online is the best way for geeks to correct this inadequacy. For those not familiar with the lingo, MMORPG stands for Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. It's a perpetual online fantasy world, a game that never ends. These games are beginning to come in a variety of flavors, from fantasy to sci-fi to reality based worlds, from role playing to first person shooter styles. It is my belief that games of this nature will single-handedly destroy the geek's hope of ever becoming accepted in the real world. To the geek, it seems like the perfect solution. A way to interact and have fun with members of the outside world, without having to go to the trouble of leaving their house. Wrong. All you are in fact doing is socializing with other geeks who also think this is the perfect solution to their social shortcomings. Like lobsters in a tank, they only keep pulling each other back to the bottom. Then the addiction sets in. Soon this fantasy world becomes more real to them than the real world. They play the game with every spare moment of their life, and when they're not actually playing it, they talk about playing it. They start speaking a different language, using some absurd vernacular that has evolved out of their fantasy world. They then cease to socialize with what friends they had in the real world that don't play the game as well, as they are incapable of communicating with them in this new dialect which has become their common tongue. Now not only have their chance at gaining a social life diminished, but they are also destroying what connections they had with the real world to begin with. Then there's the money sinkhole. This is assuming you haven't quit your job or even had one to begin with, of course. You are shelling out a monthly fee to play these games. Not too big of a deal if you have a decent job, but if you're already working for low pay or not working at all, this is the difference between your own studio apartment and moving back into your parent's basement. It's kinda hard to get a date when you don't have any money to pay for dinner, not to mention it's difficult to seat two on your bicycle, and you can't exactly take her back to your place and expect any privacy with your parents there. Let's recap. MMORPG's take up all of your free time, limit your social interactions to only those that are also familiar with it, and rob you of all your money. So there you have it. MMORPG's have all of the effects of a woman on a man, without any of the real benefits. Do yourself a favor. Ditch the game, get out into the real world, and find yourself a girlfriend. While you'll be in the same predicament, at least you'll be getting more out of it in return.

NEWS - Now back to monkey business

2003-04-23T16:50:00.000-05:00

Now that all this backend work with the site is done, we can get back to important current events in the news. Yesterday, being Earth Day, Jane Goodall spoke against deforestation at the State Department. "Whoo whoo whoo oogh oogh oogh oogh oogh oogh oogh oogh ooh ooh oooh oooh," Goodall stated before the crowd. Well met, Jane, couldn't have said better myself.

NEWS - More Site Updates

2003-04-23T16:33:00.000-05:00

Syn is in, Hot or Not is out. You may have noticed my site loading insanely slowly over the past week or so. Apparently Blog Hot or Not is out cold. You may remember I had that little script linked from their site showing my current rating on their service. Since their site apparently no longer exists, the script obviously wouldn't load, thus causing the whole table it was in to stall until the script timed out before displaying anything, hence my ridiculous load time. I don't know if or when it's coming back, and frankly I don't care. It's gone now. While I was at it, I also reversed the order in which my page loads, so my content on the right should appear first, followed by the links on the left. You may have also noticed my new XML button as well. That's right, I now have my own RSS feed. Maintained the good old fashioned way, entirely by hand. It's hard to automate RSS generation on a free service like Blogger, and even if I could I think I'd still favor the anal retentive level of control provided by writing it by hand anyways. Anyways, that's it for site updates. I think things are looking pretty good now. Time to focus on actually posting again. In other good news, the last missing parts to my PC are shipping and should be here by tomorrow. I may be able to post from home as early as this weekend. Of course I'll probably be too busy playing Tribes again, but that's beside the point...

REVIEW - MOVIE - "Chicago", aka "Our movie sucks! Quick, take your clothes off."

2003-04-21T11:51:00.000-05:00

As a general rule, movies that the critics hold in high regard are the very films I absolutely despise, and the films I really love are the same movies the critics loathe. There is, however, that rare gem of a film on which we can both agree upon. This movie was not one of them. This poor excuse for a musical was really nothing more than 30 minutes of weak plot loosely tied together with the sudden and frequent interjection of similar musical numbers only roughly relating to the current scene in the sub par storyline. One should have a strong case to sue for mental whiplash after watching this film, with it's abrupt stops and starts from storyline to song number and back again. Don't get me wrong, I love a good musical. While good ones have been few and far between the past couple decades, they are still one of my favorite types of movies (behind a good bloody action film, of course). I was thrilled with Moulin Rouge, although I won't deny being skeptical to the point of completely missing the film while it was in theaters. It had been such a long, long time since Hollywood had produced a good musical, I was absolutely certain the film was going to be dreadful. Yet I was very pleasantly surprised when I finally did watch it when it came out on video. It is off the steam of its success that I even bothered to see Chicago in the theaters, to which I am now sorely disappointed that I wasted $8 and two hours of my time. Simply put, Chicago completely lacks the proper formula to even be considered a musical by my definition. A musical should have smooth transitions into and out of musical numbers, as I have already stated Chicago painfully lacks. It should seem a surreal world, where it appears perfectly natural for everyone to spontaneously bust into well choreographed song and dance for five minutes and then return to their daily lives as though this was their normal routine. Also, musicals are not solely about the big song and dance numbers. There should be some solos or duets interspersed as well, perhaps some with no dancing at all. I understand why they largely neglected to do this with Chicago however, seeing the general lack of real vocal talent in the cast. Lastly, the musical numbers in a musical should be part of the plot, not a break from it. Perhaps Chicago took too much of an influence from MTV, with the majority of it's musical numbers being nothing more than some flashy nonsense and half naked women. If it weren't for the clever camera work focusing solely on the bare parts of the female dancers through the majority of the film, the audience might have been more aware of the many, many other things the movie totally lacks. I was extremely disappointed with the casting in particular. Catherine Zeta-Jones, the only actor in the film who showed any real singing talent, was shafted with only a couple of songs to herself. Meanwhile the absolutely talentless Renee Zellweger, who ironically enough portrays a young woman who can't break into the entertainment industry because she's a crappy singer and dancer, unfortunately gets the majority of the spotlight. While I didn't think much of Richard Gere's performance either, he did at least have the two most entertaining numbers in the film, the only moments of true inspiration in the whole movie, with the marionette news reporters and the courtroom tap dance scenes. There was also a total lack of diversity in the movie's musical themes. All the songs were of nearly identical style and while musically quite good (minus Zellweger's voice), the film definitely needed a broader range of styles. All in all, this is more what I expected from Hollywood for a modern musical. A piece of crap. It's unfortunate to think that movies like Moulin Rouge will likely become the exception, not the rule, when looking at modern musicals moving forward. It simply takes too much time, money, and effort to make them, and the standard requiring all actors to be able to sing and dance no longer exists, making even finding the talent for such a film far more difficult. I should've just followed my first instinct and saw Bulletproof Monk instead...

COMMENTARY - Golf spelled backwards is Flog

2003-04-18T13:39:00.000-05:00

I dislike sports in general. I think they're dumb. But I don't really have problems with most sports. The jocks can go about doing their athletic thing and people like myself can continue being perfectly content ignoring them. There is, however, one "sport" to which I am morally opposed. Golf. What kind of sport is golf? Any other sport can easily contain itself in it's own field or arena. But no, that's not good enough for golf. It has to span miles to be satisfied. What's more, the entirety of that massive acreage it hordes has to be green. Even if the course is in the middle of an arid desert, these idiots waste millions of gallons of water on grass so they can smack a tiny little ball as far as they can on it. To make this abominable use of property even more wasteful, only one person can actually use a specified chunk of it at any given time. Forget about teams, when someone's about to get their whack at their ball, you better leave them alone. They will tolerate other idiot golfers standing around and respectfully watching, but if you are not a member of their precious little club and they spot you on their turf sans the requisite percentage of plaid in your ensemble, you'll be in for some trouble. It's the only sport I can think of that doesn't like spectators. Also, when I think of sports, I think of physical activity. All there is to golf is swinging a club every so often. Most golfers are such lazy bastards they can't even walk to their ball after they hit it, they have to ride a damn cart. Imagine if they did that in other sports, baseball for example. The batter hits the ball out into left field, hops in his cart, and guns it for first base at 5mph. Ridiculous. A sport that involves no physical activity, no teams, no audience, and takes up miles of space. Does anybody else see something wrong with this? Of course, I have several suggestions on how to improve the sport. By combining elements of golf with football and NASCAR, we can have a sport to be enjoyed by everyone. First, start out with two teams. Large teams. They will start on opposing sides of the course. The object of the game is to get your golferbacks to the designated tee zones and hit a ball into one of the opposing team's nine holes. The first team to sink all nine opposing goals wins. The sport will involve lots of full-contact roughness, souped up golf carts going 60mph+, and haphazard projectiles. All the things that make sports entertaining. Screw this pansy golf crap.

NEWS - Site Update

2003-04-16T17:53:00.000-05:00

Well, there you go. The new look is up. Much better, eh? I'll customize the commenting script and the search engine and stuff in the next day or two to match, but don't have time right now. Well, drop a note on what you think, or vote in the new poll for the new look. That's it for now.

NEWS - Site Update

2003-04-16T12:18:00.000-05:00

According to the recent poll results, 50% of you voted that you would definitely like to see a commenting feature added to my site so you could share your opinions on my opinions. There were no votes against such a feature, however there was an unfortunate 16.7% who opted for "What do I care? Not like I'm coming back to this site again...", to whom I can safely say go rot in hell, since they're not going to be coming back this way to defend themselves anyways. The remaining 33.3% of the votes were interesting enough cast in favor of "Inane isn't a word. You must have misspelled insane." To those individuals, I would like to briefly direct you to Dictionary.com, thank you very much. So without further ado, your commenting script. Simply click on "Hailing Frequencies Opened" at the end of any post and put in your two cents. Then as long as you're being so generous, feel free to toss another two cents at my paypal link. ;-) Oh, and since the overwhelming majority finds my halfassed color scheme hideous, I'll be reworking that today too. I probably won't have time for a substantial post then, so I'll just leave you with another case of Floridiocy, with a sixth grader getting arrested for stomping in a puddle.

NEWS - Speaking of PETA...

2003-04-15T17:19:00.000-05:00

Even Al-Jazeera doesn't like PETA.

NEWS - Floridiot's Guide to Shoplifting

2003-04-15T16:38:00.000-05:00

Attention all small-time criminals hailing from the Sunshine State, please listen carefully! Next time you plan to go out shopping at the five finger discount, be sure to leave your child at home. Also be especially careful that you do not leave behind your infant and diaper bag with enough personal identification in it for you to be tracked down and incarcerated for the additional charge of child neglect on top of shoplifting as you flee the scene of the crime without them. All that for a DVD player...

NEWS - What to do with 30,000 sickly chickens and a couple of wood chippers

2003-04-15T16:07:00.000-05:00

Q. What did one old retired hen say to the other? A. My, don't you look chipper today! Today's feature news story is about as good as they get. A pair of California poultry farmers found themselves with 30,000 unproductive chickens. The hens could no longer lay eggs, and due to a quarantine on the entire county for a poultry virus, they were unable to send the useless birds to a "kill facility" in the northern part of the state to be "properly" disposed of. They sought the consultation of the USDA on the matter, where a senior veterinarian apparently gave them the OK to use the wood chippers to dispose of the birds themselves. The Humane Society obviously threw a fit. The District Attorney's Office however concluded that the charges of animal cruelty would have to be dropped, as the farmers had sought advice from officials first before acting, although they very well may have been ill advised. Our favorite animal rights organization, PETA, is strangely absent from the scene. Perhaps because we're at least not eating the chickens? Anyways, what I find utterly ridiculous about this is, one way or another these chickens are going to die. What does it matter if it's in a wood chipper? Here's a short list of "approved" methods for murdering the birds: Carbon dioxide, gunshot, a projectile through the brain, or breaking their necks. What makes any of these methods any better? Any way you look at it, the chickens are dead. I'd imagine a wood chipper would provide a similar experience of nearly instantaneous death. Plus, you can kill more of them faster, so it's far more efficient than breaking their necks one by one. Are these animal rights activists worried about the chickens dying in pain? Personally, I can't fathom why anybody would be concerned with the electrical impulses from a bird's primitive nervous system to it's pea-sized brain. But if I were, then I think I'd also have issues with some of the "approved" methods too, like blasting them with a shotgun. Yet I don't hear any complaints about that one. I don't hear of any protests outside these "kill facilities". Well, short of PETA making the ridiculous comparison to Nazi death camps. The whole thing doesn't make sense to me. I think I'm gonna go to lunch and ponder this topic over a bucket of KFC.

COMMENTARY - Tech Support

2003-04-14T12:18:00.000-05:00

I hate working on archaic PC's. Being an obvious geek at work gets me a lot of people asking to fix their crappy computers. For some reason I always say yes. Perhaps I think I'll enjoy the challenge. Perhaps I figure this piece of crap will be different than all the other pieces of crap and actually work correctly. Whatever it is, I'm now going to adopt a new policy. I'm going to write a set of minimum system specs by which all future machines I work on will be measured. If a system does not meet these requirements, I will give it a benchmark test which I've named the "high velocity percussive resistance test". This benchmark involves taking a series of mallets to the system and measuring the effects on its ability to boot up. First we start with the rubber mallet. If the system proves resistant to the rubber mallet test, we move on to the rock hammer. If it also passes that test, we bring on the sledgehammer. If the system still boots after completion of the sledgehammer test, I will then fix their PC as requested. Otherwise, I will return their computer, or what's left of it, informing them that "the system was unable to boot after a routine percussive resistance test, due to insufficient minimum system requirements. Purchase of a new computer that isn't a POS model is recommended. Please inform your computer salesman that your last system crashed with an ID10T error. He'll be able to direct you to their Apple selection."

COMMENTARY - The Laws of Layoffs

2003-04-10T14:09:00.000-05:00

Sorry for not posting the other day, they sprung a fourth set of layoffs on us here yesterday. While it only hit about half a dozen people in our particular center, a chunk of the center support team got nailed by it, meaning I had to give up my temporary promotion and return once more to my position as payroll/supply room/mail room/clerk of all trades. Thank God. People have been apologizing to me all day, "Oh, heard about your demotion, that's too bad..." Ha. I knew it was bound to happen anyways, since they made a point to tell me my promotion was temporary to begin with. So I lose about $2/hr. Big deal. I now have a desk three times the size of yours, my work varies, and I'm not chained to my cubicle all day doing the same old boring thing over and over to meet some ridiculous standards. Misery is not worth an extra $2/hr to me. The only downside is my new desk is right outside the Big Cheese's office, meaning I will have to be increasingly careful with my web surfing habits at work. Risky, you say? Nah. After going through so many layoffs here, I have developed a set of rules by which employees are obviously selected for termination. Allow me to share them with you.

1. Don't make yourself invaluable. If you know too much, you might stick out of the crowd enough for someone higher up the corporate ladder to notice and promote you. The very thought of this threat is enough for your immediate supervisor to put your name on the chopping block. Also, some upper management may mistake someone referring to you as invaluable to mean "not valuable", which will also get you canned for sure. So stay with the pack. The tall grass is the first to get cut.

2. Cubicle geography. Do whatever it takes to get your desk in the most densely populated area of the office. When trying to meet required numbers for a corporate layoff, often times management will simply resort to removing people from areas that would make the office more aesthetically pleasing. This generally means just removing everyone from the sparsely populated areas of the building and leaving a core center. So stick close to the pack.

3. Don't be seen with noisy Union members. If you work in a facility represented by any sort of union, you know what I'm talking about. There are always those two or three outspoken individuals who have to cause a ruckus at every meeting and wave their little union flag around, and go about encouraging everyone to file grievances against their employer for anything and everything. Even though there is undoubtedly a clause in your union agreement somewhere protecting union members from being singled out in layoffs, you can be sure that these people will one way or another be getting the axe. Associate too closely with these people, and you too will likely be joining them.

4. Brown nosing is bad. If you are a peon employee, do NOT brown nose. This will not save you. It only makes your name easier to remember when the Angel of Death and Unemployment (times are tough, even he had to take a second job) sweeps through your office. If you're a peon, just stay low and do your work. The perfect place to be is the good employee whose name no one can remember. That way you aren't hit when they cut the slackers or when they just start picking names they know off the top of their heads.

5. Management cliques are good. The only time brown nosing works is if you're in a management position. Find the management clique in your office and find a way to get in it. If you are one of the hardworking managers who comes in early, stays late, works to the best of your ability, and doesn't have the time to socialize, you will certainly be out the door when layoffs come. You need to take a good hour or two out of your day and waste it on chattering with the other managers instead of working to ensure your position.

That's pretty much everything you need to know about not getting laid off. Do your work, but don't do it too well. If you're an outstanding employee, make sure to waste a few hours a day to fall back into the pack. You could use that time to surf the net and look for a new job, just in case I'm wrong...

REVIEW - PS2 - Samurai/Ninja Showdown

2003-04-08T13:32:00.000-05:00

During my time off last week, I abused my free rental privileges at Hollywood Video and rented every game I could find involving ninjas or samurais. Due to the current selection they had in stock and in order to keep the number of ninja titles vs. samurai titles even, this showdown will encompass four games. On the ninja side, we have Shinobi and Tenchu: Wrath of Heaven. Fighting for the samurai, we have Way of the Samurai and Kengo: Master of Bushido. I will review each of these titles individually and then compare the results, and the age old question as to which of these two mighty warriors holds superiority will finally be answered. Well, at least when it comes to playing one on a PS2, anyways.

NINJA

Shinobi -- I was not impressed with this game at all. It was amusing for the first level or two, but got really old really fast. If you are a big fan of old school games like Ninja Gaiden, then you will definitely find this game amusing, as it really holds onto that old style of gaming. It's the same style of running through levels and bashing stuff up, objects you destroy flicker and then disappear, and level bosses are ridiculously difficult. There isn't a lot of skill involved with this game, it's all about zipping and jumping around and mashing the attack button, and you'll still die all the time. Also amusing is the "Use Ninjitsu" button, which engulfs Shinobi in a fiery ball of death, killing anything within its radius. Wow. If ninjitsu really did that I'd so learn it. All in all, an amusing game for the first few levels, particularly if you're an old school gamer, but it wears out quickly.

Tenchu: Wrath of Heaven -- Definitely a better game than Shinobi, with added replay value with multiplayer mode. Multiplayer is unfortunately very limited however, with only a single level available initially, and a pretty boring one at that. The most strikingly annoying thing about this game are the cheesy sound effects, with cartoon-ish "ping!" noises when sword fighting and the like. The added element of stealth also makes the game more interesting, and a wide selection of weapons and items you can pick up along the way also add to the fun. Aside from the wider array of weapons though, the game is still quite basic. You are either sneaking around, or mashing an attack button. I'd say it is a fairly good game, but it didn't require much skill.

SAMURAI

Way of the Samurai -- I'll be perfectly honest. I never heard of this game before I picked it up off the shelf. In my search for ninja and samurai related games, it certainly stuck out with a title like that, so I decided to give it a try. And I am SO glad I did. Out of all the titles I picked up last week, this one was definitely my favorite. The game itself is really quite short, but there are half a dozen different endings to it. Your actions in the game determine the direction the plot will go, each to a different ending. This makes for excellent replay value, as you will find yourself playing it over and over again and trying out different things to see what ending you can reach next. On top of that, there are a huge number of swords in the game, each with different styles and attacks. Even after completing all of the endings, which will take quite some time as it is, you will find yourself still playing it over and over again in your search for those cool rare swords. You also gain points for each time you beat it, unlocking additional options and settings, which will also keep you playing. Plus, you can carry over your swords from one game to the next, so you don't lose those cool blades. This game also has the most sophisticated battle system out of any of the games in this review. If you like button mashers, you will be slaughtered in this game. You have to carefully balance style, timing, attacking, blocking, parrying, and dodging in order to be successful. Yet even with all this, the controls remain simple and intuitive. The sound effects are also quite good, adding to the intensity of your battles. I do have one complaint about this game. The learning curve is fairly steep, particularly in comparison to the rest of the games in this roundup. You will die often in the beginning, and it will not be until a good three or four attempts after the tutorial that you really get the hang of it. It can be rather frustrating in the beginning, as you have to start all over again if you die, and you lose any blades you were carrying at the time. This will not be as great of a concern once you get the hang of the fighting controls and learn where all the food is located so you can regain your health. There is also a multiplayer feature, in a classic fighting game style, which is somewhat amusing and a good way to hone your skills, but not nearly as entertaining as single player.

Kengo: Master of Bushido -- Another title I had never really heard of, but picked up anyways. Again, I'm glad I did. It's something of a fighting game with RPG elements. You start out as a student living at a dojo to learn the ways of the samurai. You go through various training exercises and practice matches to increase your stats and hone your skills. Once you have successfully mastered the exercises at your dojo, you can then go on to compete against other schools, raising your stats and earning new attacks and swords. You can eventually compete in an Imperial tournament, defeat your own master, and become head of the dojo yourself, defending your honor against challenging students such as you once were. The real beauty of this game comes in customizing your attack styles. As you play, you will learn new moves, which you can then piece together into your own custom attacks to use in battle. Also, each sword you pick up has a different special attack, so you can spend quite some time collecting and experimenting with them as well. This game also has the best multiplayer support out of all the titles in this roundup. If you and a friend each have a character developed in single player mode, you can face off against each other in multiplayer, or just play with one of the other characters from the game using their predefined styles and forgoing the customized attacks. This game also is not without its faults though. There is a total lack of music, which some might find disappointing, however I felt it added to the atmosphere. The thing that did bug me though, were some really cheesy sound effects. The blades clashing and slashing sounded solid, but the vocalizations of the warriors were rather weak, and there are some horrendously annoying background sounds on some of the levels. Also, you have to repetitively practice the same training exercises over and over in order to raise your stats until they eventually max out, which can get rather monotonous.

Graphics: 8/10		OVERALL
Sound: 5/10
Gameplay: 3/10
Ingenuity: 2/10
Replay Value: 2/10
Ninja Skill Level: 2/10		2/10

Graphics: 8/10		OVERALL
Sound: 3/10
Gameplay: 6/10
Ingenuity: 6/10
Replay Value: 3/10
Ninja Skill Level: 4/10		4/10

Graphics: 8/10		OVERALL
Sound: 7/10
Gameplay: 9/10
Ingenuity: 9/10
Replay Value: 9/10
Samurai Skill Level: 10/10		9/10

Graphics: 8/10		OVERALL
Sound: 3/10
Gameplay: 8/10
Ingenuity: 7/10
Replay Value: 8/10
Samurai Skill Level: 8/10		8/10

The score is plainly obvious. Ninjas: 0, Samurais: 2. But you don't have to take my word for it. Check them out for yourself. You too will soon find the obvious superiority of the Samurai.

COMMENTARY - How to take down laser tag cheaters without breaking the rules yourself.

2003-04-07T12:37:00.000-05:00

I love laser tag. It's one of my favorite pastimes. Yeah, paintball is fun too, but with laser tag you don't have to buy any expensive equipment, and you don't typically walk away with welts. Everyone is on an even playing field with laser tag. With paintball, you are most likely going to be slaughtered with your cheesy rental handgun against the guy owning the custom $3000 paintball sniper rifle. With laser tag, everyone has the same equipment. Sure, you have the sucky players who say their gun wasn't working properly, their laser was misaligned, their hits weren't registering, blah blah blah, which is only very rarely true, but all in all everyone's equipment is identical. The one great fault of laser tag, however, is the unfortunate ease with which players can cheat. In paintball, there's no denying the glob of paint smacked over your face. You're hit. You're out. In laser tag, players have come up with a number of ingenious and frustrating tactics to cover their targets and thwart opposing players trying to shoot them. I spent a night out playing laser tag over the weekend, and got four rounds in. The first three rounds, I placed a solid first. (NOTE: This is largely due to the fact that the arena I frequent has recently cleared out half of it's arcade and turned it into a small concert venue for local bands, which has become a hub for the 14-17 year old crowd that can't go to real concerts, and has generated a rather congested, noisy environment swarming with annoying adolescents. This has apparently frightened off the majority of the geeky laser tag arena's members, whose only social interaction previously consisted of taking several hours away from playing Counterstrike in the depths of their Mom's basement to shoot people only somewhat more realistically with lasers in a large dark room. These geeks often referred to this practice as "exercise". Without the fanatic geek members present though, there's nothing in the way between me and first place.) However, with the fourth and final round, a large party of high school aged guys showed up to join the fray. I managed to eek out a second place finish, several thousand points behind first and a mere 30 points above third. This had nothing to do with superior skill. Only less respect for the rules. I have never been in a single game with more rampant cheating in my life, and am surprised I finished as well as I did. It was absolutely the most frustrating game I have ever played. After the night was finished though, I got to thinking of ways to thwart these cheaters without sinking to their level. I believe the game should be played with honor and respect for the rules, regardless of the other players' actions. Yet at the same time, these delinquents need to be brought to justice. So here are some of the solutions I have come up with.

Runners. In every laser tag arena I've ever been in, running has been against the rules. In a poorly lit maze, running around at high speed is a surefire way to smack into objects or other players, injuring yourself and those around you. Many cheaters do not heed this warning. So obviously the easiest way to take care of a runner is to trip them to remind them why this rule exists in the first place. If you're lucky, they may sprain something on their way down, or even knock themselves out, and the cheater will be removed from the remainder of the round and possibly the rest of the night as well. However, direct physical contact with other players is generally also against the rules, so in light of this technicality a tripwire is better employed. If you didn't happen to bring a length of rope with you, try unplugging your gun from your vest and use the cord across a hallway to fit this purpose.

Duckers. Also typically against laser tag rules is ducking or crawling on the ground. Out of all the types of cheating, I have the least problems with this one. After all, what's wrong with a 7 foot tall guy crouching and presenting the same target as one of the 3 foot ankle biters running around the arena? The only reason this rule is really in place is to prevent people from being shot in the eye with a laser, which in actuality isn't really a concern anyways, since the lasers are too low level to cause any damage to begin with. For this reason I often don't bother with duckers, and on rare occasion will violate this rule myself. However if some ducker is pissing you off by holing up in a corner and blindly shooting over a wall or something dumb like that, simply remind him of why ducking is against the rules. You could try shooting him repeatedly in the face, but it is far more effective to bring a laser pen with you and fire a constant beam into his retina while he's crouching there like the little cheater he is. He will be too distracted to continue his firing over the wall, and will likely get pissed at you in short order and come charging after you, at which point you have successfully flushed him out.

Cloakers. These are the punks who bring an extra shirt and cover their vest targets, or hole up in a corner and remove their vest entirely, letting it sit on the floor while they shoot freely over a wall. This is by far the most despicable form of cheating known to laser tag, and is what cost me my first place finish in that fourth game. The way to combat this is fairly difficult, and you have to be fairly proficient at disconnecting network cables to pull it off effectively. Most laser tag arenas make the guns easy to disconnect from the vests in order to facilitate easy swapping of broken units. The guns break far more often than the vests, so it makes more sense to just swap out the damaged part rather than replace the whole unit. This is typically done using an RJ45 connection, like your standard network cable. This connection allows you to deny these cheaters the ability to shoot others the same as they are denying others the ability to shoot them, by running up and disconnecting their guns. To be really effective though, you have to either swipe the gun entirely, or get both ends of the cable, so he's either left with no gun, or no cable to connect his gun. If you leave him with the gun and cable, he can always reconnect it, and you will have only slowed him down by about 15 seconds. It's even easier to nail the cheaters that remove their packs entirely. Again, disconnect their cable, but instead of trying to rob them of their cable or their gun, just take their whole pack, since it's just lying there on the floor. You can then dump it somewhere else in the arena, or if you want to really get them and don't have any qualms about cheating a little bit yourself to do so, toss their vest on top of yours and use it as a shield. Now you can still shoot people with your gun, but anyone shooting you will now be shooting the cheater's vest instead. Be sure to shoot the cheater's vest yourself as often as possible as well.

These are really the main forms of cheating I encounter. If you attend an arena with one handed guns you will also undoubtedly run into the "grab-and-shooters", who will grab your gun with one hand and point it away, while they shoot you in the chest with the other. I got tired of that trick. For that reason I only frequent arenas that require both hands on the gun to fire, via a heat sensor on the barrel. And camping, while cheap, is still perfectly legal. The only way to prevent players from holing up in certain spots in the arena is for the arena's layout to not provide any good spots to do so, which is virtually impossible to do. At any rate, if the arena you attend seems to turn a blind eye to these cheaters, take matters into your own hands and change the cheater into the victim.

NEWS - I'm back!

2003-04-07T10:28:00.000-05:00

Please, try to contain your excitement, it's overwhelming. It would appear my weblog can maintain a small level of traffic on its own even in my absence, although it also appears that I've received some rather negative feedback while on vacation as well. My blog rating dropped from *gasp* 9.9 to 9.8, and it seems a good number of people responded to my poll with the opinion that my site layout is hideous. Ah well. That's soon to change anyways. As soon as I finish building my stupid computer. The Fates seem eternally against me in my endeavor to own my own PC though. Nevertheless, it is rumored that my missing parts are shipping, and the appropriate amount of money is now missing from my account, however I am lacking any sort of tracking number and am somewhat wary about taking MStar for their word. We'll see in the next day or two if the parts show up. Until then, I'm sitting on a computer with just enough missing parts to make it absolutely useless. Despite the continuing frustration of trying to get my computer built, I will be posting as usual this week. In fact, my vacation has provided me with a few new thoughts to post. Be looking for my first one later today, on what to do with laser tag cheaters.

NEWS - Stupid News Update

2003-03-27T14:26:00.000-06:00

Well, I've got good news, and bad news. Good news is, most of my new computer parts have already arrived. Props to NewEgg for their excellent speedy fast service. The bad news is I'm still missing two system critical parts, namely my motherboard and video card, thanks to the crappiest service I've ever received from an online vendor, at MStar. I placed my order on Friday. They charged my card for the order. I waited and waited for my parts to be shipped. Come Tuesday, my order still shows as "pending" on their site. Then Wednesday morning it changed to "Problem with order. Please call." How crummy is that? I never received an email, a call, nothing. I wouldn't have even known there was a problem with my order if I hadn't been checking the status directly on their website. So I called. Three times. I emailed them. I never got in touch with a live person. Then today they simply refunded my money without a word. What a bunch of crap. That's the last time I ever even visit their site. Sure they had some good deals, but I'll pay the extra couple bucks to order them at NewEgg instead, and actually get my parts, thank you very much. So if all goes well, I should have the missing parts in via NewEgg by Monday, and MStar can go rot in hell. Since as you can tell I'm still rather preoccupied with my new computer, I have once again neglected to compose something new and brilliant to post here. So you'll have to settle for a random collection of links to amusing news stories. First up, poking fun at the french. French toast and french fries are now officially freedom toast and freedom fries respectively, in my book. In another double feature news story, we get both UFO's and a dead cat. What could be better? Also, Georgians prove to be almost as stupid as Floridiots, but not quite.

NEWS - Vacation!

2003-03-24T13:30:00.000-06:00

Alright, now that the Official Warped Core War Whining Week is over, I will not likely be posting anything further on the subject. Feel free to come back here and send me an email when it's all over to tell me I was right though. If you do insist on continuing to watch all the up-to-the-minute news coverage, I suggest the Gulf War Drinking Game to take some of the edge off of it. Be warned though, you'll be drunk off your rocker after ten minutes of CNN. For those of you still worried about the outcome of this war (and I don't know who is), fear not, for with a national guardman who legally changed his name to Optimus Prime, we can't possible lose. If that doesn't convince you and you're still paranoid, mayhaps you should try an Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie for added security. In other news, I ordered all my computer parts over the weekend. Well, not all. But enough of them so that it will at least turn on and do stuff. No thanks to any PayPal donations, unfortunately. I will be on mental vacation the remainder of this week while my thoughts are preoccupied by visions of once again having a working computer gracing my place of residence. So posting may be kind of light this week. The following week I will be on physical vacation, spending time bonding with my new computer, so unless I get the cable internet hooked up in a hurry to my new system, there will be no posting at all next week. Since I'm too preoccupied to write anything substantial, I'll just have to leave you with a few new links today. Go check them out. Added a couple new weblogs to my list of "Blogs that don't suck" too. Although I have to say WilWheaton.net is really there more out of some inner sense of obligation, being a Trekkie, than out of any real enjoyment from the random musings of a washed up actor who has nothing better to do with his spare time when not attending trek conventions than writing in a weblog. It's not all bad, but I think his motive for creating the site was really an attempt to convince anyone who will listen that he doesn't suck. I liked his character in the show, at least. Anyways, until tomorrow. Hopefully I will be able to break away from daydreaming long enough to come up with something interesting to put here then.

COMMENTARY - Protest the Protestors

2003-03-21T17:27:00.000-06:00

What's with all these anti-war protestors? What do they think they are going to accomplish? When have a bunch of hippie protestors ever stopped a war? The entirety of the United Nations couldn't talk Bush out of going to war. Yet somehow, these protestors think that by standing outside the White House with their idiotic signs displaying misspelled slogans that only half apply to the conflict, the president will look out his window and say, "Gee, maybe this war wasn't such a good idea after all." You're standing in the road making fools of yourselves, and the only thing you've managed to stop is the traffic. You are obviously not accomplishing your intended goal, but you are managing to piss off anyone driving through the city with your useless demonstrating, whether they agree with your sentiments on the war or not. Is this just an excuse for you to take a day off of work? Or maybe you have anger management issues and find protesting things is a good release. I certainly hope it's not that you're naive enough to think that your measly little opinion is going to have an influence on global affairs. Get it through your heads. Nobody listens to protestors.

COMMENTARY - Media types must suck at Scrabble

2003-03-21T13:45:00.000-06:00

What's with shortening "Weapons of Mass Destruction" to "WDM"? Thanks to the accursed three syllable W, you're only saving a whole two syllables with the acronym, when "Weapons of Mass Destruction" wasn't that hard to say or remember in the first place. It's not like deoxyribonucleic acid, which is quite a mouthful and difficult to remember, and understandably shortened to DNA. But "Weapons of Mass Destruction"? Who has a hard time remembering that? In fact, I think you'll confuse more people saying WMD rather than popping for the two whole extra syllables to just say the whole blasted thing. I was talking to Danny on this very subject today, and have to concur with him that, instead of "Weapons of Mass Destruction", the term "Big Boomies" should be coined. The media of course could then easily shorten it to "BB", as they like to do, to save them that whole one syllable. We certainly wouldn't want the media to feel obligated to speak plainly and clearly in non-abbreviated English. Heaven forbid they should have to spell it out.

COMMENTARY - The American Terrorist Network

2003-03-20T11:01:00.000-06:00

ter·ror·ism : the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion And to make sure we avoid any confusion... co·erce : to compel to an act or choice I put it to you that there is a terrorist network based right here on our very own soil. They have access to every home in America, every car, every office, every school. What insidious organization could be so deeply integrated into our society yet remain unnoticed? Our own media, of course. Through overexaggerated reporting and even pure speculation, the media is creating a hysteria designed with no other purpose than to keep people watching or listening to their station or buying their paper. They are creating fear and paranoia in their audience, who then feels they need to stay tuned in order to stay informed and protect themselves, when in reality all they are doing is making matters worse. It's a vicious cycle that's making the media millions. Is this not by definition terrorism? The media entities are systematically using terror to compel people to continue watching, listening, or reading so they can make more money off of them. For example, yesterday on CNN I heard a report discussing how there was a concern that, since America imports some foods from the Middle East, Iraq might have poisoned them before they were exported and put on American store shelves. They provided absolutely no evidence to back up this statement whatsoever. Why would they even broadcast this then? To create fear, so that people who saw this report would continue watching CNN until they finally see the update to this story, concluding that this speculation was in fact false all along. At this point, of course, they will have already dropped several other little tidbits of paranoia and suspicion on you, compelling you to continue watching until those are resolved as well, and now you are caught in the endless cycle of media terrorism. Want to fight the war on terrorism? Bring the fight home. Let the media know you find their terroristic tactics distasteful, and encourage truthful news reporting. I am aware that this is likely one form of terrorism from which we will never be free, but I feel people should at least be aware of it, and see it for what it truly is.

COMENTARY - But... what am I going to do with all this duct tape?

2003-03-19T15:51:00.000-06:00

Apparently, the entire nation shares the foolish notion that a.) IF there is another terrorist attack, then the entire country is somehow going to simultaneously blow up, and b.) flashlights, plastic sheets, and duct tape are going to save them when this happens. Let's think about this for a second. Sure, the threat of a terrorist attack does exist. However, it has been blown way out of proportion to the point that Americans everywhere are needlessly living in fear of it. It is true that terrorist attacks have different objectives than military attacks, holding an agenda with different priority targets which typically encompass government facilities, large public gatherings, or crowded buildings in major cities, where they can do the most damage. This is a frightening thought for civilians. But this really encompasses only a very small percentage of locations in the U.S. A terrorist running in and blowing up the gas station you work at in the backwoods of Colorado just isn't going to happen, for example. If you live outside a really major metropolitan area like New York, Chicago, or L.A., I'd say there is about ZERO threat of a terrorist attack coming your way at all. What of the people that do live in these heavily populated target areas though? Al Qaeda is broken, their training facilities destroyed, its members scattered. The attacks on September 11th failed to rally the support from the Muslim community Bin Laden had hoped for, and instead had an opposite reaction, giving Al Qaeda members fewer places to hide, for any nation knowingly harboring them fears the wrath of America might turn their direction. Bin Laden is just playing the Black Knight from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" right now. His arms and legs have been chopped off, yet he continues to trash talk like he is an almighty threat to our nation. I don't deny the possibility of the unknown, that there is still a terrorist threat lurking out there, and for that I am grateful for our heightened security efforts, but the American people are making a mountain out of a molehill. And in the extremely unlikely event that you find yourself in the middle of another terrorist attack, what exactly is that duct tape going to do for you? I suppose if you were MacGuyver, you could quickly fashion a hang glider out of the plastic sheets with some duct tape, use some rubber bands to make a really big slingshot, and take the batteries out of the flashlight to power a small propeller to give you some additional thrust as you try to fly out of harm's way. But seriously, folks. Get a grip on reality.

COMMENTARY - Okay, so everybody hates us. Let's just bomb them already.

2003-03-18T16:30:00.000-06:00

Alright, fine, I'll succumb to peer pressure and follow the popular trend of jabbering about war. In fact, I will dedicate the remainder of this week to it. This will be the Official Warped Core War Whining Week. Hopefully by the end of this week you'll see how silly this all is, and find something better to do with your time than fret away your life over all this nonsense you hear from other people babbling on this subject. You probably think I'm crazy, uncaring, or even unpatriotic, but this is hardly so. Quite the opposite, in fact. Well, perhaps with exception to the crazy bit. But anyways, stick with me the rest of the week and see why I believe that the vast majority of Americans really have absolutely nothing to worry about. Today's topic is, well, just read the title. I found this great article on MSNBC.com titled "The Arrogant Empire". I know, it's a really long read (comparatively speaking, to your average web news article), but definitely worth the time. For those of you too lazy to read it, I'll be discussing the highlights and including my own interpretation with the remainder of this post. The article really discusses not Iraq, but America. The whole business with Iraq has really been merely a catalyst for the inevitable. History has shown that every time a major power has emerged, suspicion and mistrust of that power would soon arise and there would be a banding together of the lesser powers to topple the greater, in order to even the playing field. Much like a bunch of lobsters in a tank, they keep pulling each other down so nobody makes it too near the top. The only reason America has stood unopposed for so long is that every president since the Cold War era has taken great care to maintain strong foreign relations. By showing concern and offering aid to other countries, we showed the world that our strength was to their own benefit, and not a cause for fear and mistrust. This all changed the moment Bush stepped into office. Since then, America has given off nothing but an air of arrogance, demonstrating to the rest of the world that we don't need them, while they still need us. Other countries have met this egotism with feelings ranging from resentment to outrage, yet none dare take action against America for it's conceit. For after the September 11th terrorist attack, the rest of the world watched in awe and horror as a sleeping dragon awoke and lashed back, effortlessly crushing an entire country on the opposite end of the globe in a mere matter of months. The world had let America go unchallenged for so long that our lead, in terms of both economy and military, is so far ahead of any other nation as to seem insurmountable. While America may be able to rule the world like this now, bullying other countries, making demands, and taking what we want, history has shown that this approach will inevitably fail us in the end. The rest of the world will eventually band together and take the war home to America, and once again even the playing field. Yet hope is not lost for us, even now as the world opposes our imminent war with Iraq. In the coming weeks, we will forcefully uncover the dark secrets hidden within Iraq and expose Saddam for the threat he really is, and the rest of the world will have no choice but to admit we were right. Many will undoubtedly still disagree with out methods, but there will also be a growing voice against the inaction of the U.N. and it's inability to come to a resolution or even accurately identify this threat. This will hopefully result in a reshaping of the U.N. to take a more proactive stance in global affairs moving forward. But America will need to regain the trust of the world, now that they have seen the true power our country possesses. Aiding in building a new Iraq in the wake of our extermination effort would be a good start. Kicking Bush out of office and electing a new president who will once more pick up a stance of interest and concern in foreign affairs is also definitely a step in the right direction. Unfortunately, this is unlikely to happen, as again history has shown that presidents that have led our country in times of war typically get reelected. It is true that a president lacking the assertiveness of Bush would likely still be waiting on the U.N., and may not have taken any action against Iraq until it was too late. For this scenario, Bush was the right man for the job. His pit bull tenacity will get the job done, with or without the support of the rest of the world. But once this crisis is over, will he be able to step back down graciously, make his apologies to the nations he has offended, and rebuild relations with the rest of the world? I fear the consequences if he proves incapable of doing as much. The fear, anger, and resentment towards the U.S. will only escalate to a catastrophic end. ***Readers that are too lazy to even read this whole article, start here*** To summarize, the war on Iraq will prove America right. Weapons of mass destruction will be found in Iraq. A glaring flaw in the procedures of the United Nations will be exposed for it's inability to manage the incident itself, invoking fundamental changes in its organization. We will remove Saddam from power and eliminate any threat from Iraq. America will then once more work with the U.N. instead of against it, we will begin rebuilding foreign relations and peace will be restored, until King George decides to do something else stupid. So as you can see, despite outward appearances, matters are pretty well in hand, and the conflict will smooth over with relative rapidity. But you are left with the power to ensure an incident of this nature isn't repeated. While I forecast clear skies past the storms in Iraq, the world will not put up with Bush's bashing for too much longer, if he cannot change his ways. While his tactics have been well suited for a conflict with the likes of Saddam, the rest of the world does not appreciate being treated with the same contempt and lack of respect. So when the next presidential election comes along, give old George the boot and vote for a new president with at least some interest in foreign affairs. And if you live in Florida, make sure to mark your vote clearly, and be certain any pets you have registered to vote are instructed to mark their ballots accordingly as well.

COMMENTARY - 2 for 1 special! Vanity plates AND Floridiots!

2003-03-14T15:38:00.000-06:00

Speaking of Floridiots... I know this news article is a little old, one year exactly as a matter of fact, but a good story is timeless. Here we have Floridiots protesting a vanity plate. The DMV has cancelled the plate after a whole ten people signed a petition stating they were offended by it's message, which simply read "ATHEIST". Okay, let's look at this from both sides. Steve Miles, the owner of the plate, is the vice president of the Atheists club of Florida. It makes perfect sense to have a plate stating his convictions, or lack thereof. The dictionary definition of "atheist" is as follows: "One who disbelieves or denies the existence of a God, or supreme intelligent Being." In what way can this possibly be construed as an offensive term? The problem lies in that Florida is too far south to be considered part of the Bible Belt, and instead falls more in the Bible Buttcrack region. Combine the religious fervor of the Bible Belt with the blind conviction and stupidity of a state that thinks the civil war hasn't ended, where Union flags still fly off the back of their pickups, and you'll start to get the picture. Since this poor fellow does not share their belief in God, then he obviously shouldn't be allowed to express his opinion. It's people like this who give organized religion a bad name. Is a car driving around with a message conveying the lack of a religious affiliation by the driver really going to turn others away from church on Sundays? I think not. But a bunch of religious fanatics trampling someone's first amendment rights might make some people think twice about organized religion. That said, Steve Miles needs to get over his stupid vanity plate. You live in Florida, you should have expected this. Consider the money he's shelled out to keep that plate for the 16 years he's had it. He could easily have made bumper stickers for every member of the atheists club in the state with that much. Then there would be 300+ cars driving around Florida proclaiming "ATHEIST". Plus there would be no annual fee involved. Slap the sticker on, and you're done. Then the fanatic Floridiots could whine about it until they were blue in the face and there's nothing they could do about it, short of taking a razor blade to the back of your car and scraping it off themselves, at which point you could have them arrested. So where is the downside to this for the atheists? Apparently, in a follow-up story, the DMV reversed it's decision and informed Miles that he could keep his plate after all. Atheists: 1, Floridiots: 0.

NEWS - Sites for sore brains

2003-03-14T15:37:00.000-06:00

Got a couple of new sites worth a quick mention. First is GameStudies.org. Here's a quick snippet about them that I took off their website: "Game Studies is a crossdisciplinary journal dedicated to games research, web-published several times a year at www.gamestudies.org. Our primary focus is aesthetic, cultural and communicative aspects of computer games... Our mission - To explore the rich cultural genre of games; to give scholars a peer-reviewed forum for their ideas and theories; to provide an academic channel for the ongoing discussions on games and gaming." The next time someone tells you that you're rotting your brain playing computer games, tell them you're doing research and refer them to this site. Next, I have a new source for news, Morons.org. What better way to keep tabs on Floridiots?

OBITUARIES - THE RIAA

2003-03-13T11:53:00.000-06:00

The RIAA is dead. They just haven't realized it yet. I've been giving some serious thought as to why the RIAA has to be such a pain in everyone's collective hind ends. Every day, I hear of some new harebrained scheme they've come up with, from attempts to squash piracy, shut down P2P networks, force ISPs to turn over information on subscribers "engaged in significant copyright infringement", choke off internet radio with hefty royalties, spread propaganda on the "evils" of file sharing and CD-R media, the list goes on and on. While pondering why the RIAA feels they need to be so malicious towards the digital revolution, I recalled something from that Psychology 101 class I took a forever ago. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote this book, "On Death and Dying", in which she defined the five stages of grief one faces when confronted with the knowledge of their own imminent death: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. Upon putting this principle into the context of the RIAA, it is quite apparent that they are in fact far into the throes of death. There was a time when musicians had to go through a major record company to make it big. Small time bands were doomed to failure without the label's promotional support and recording equipment. While this is still largely how the music industry operates today, there is a growing shadow looming on the horizon known as the digital revolution, which threatens the RIAA's traditional way of life. Thanks to the continually dropping prices of technology, for a relatively small investment a band can acquire their own equipment, record their own albums, burn their own CD's, and get some free publicity sharing their work on the internet. The RIAA for a long time was in denial. They scoffed at the idea that people would want their music in some digital format and not solely on a CD. The so-called digital revolution would surely die out, and the major record labels would remain dictators of the music industry. But the digital revolution didn't just go away. Instead it grew like wildfire to where it could no longer be ignored. The RIAA then took to bargaining. They made efforts to "coexist" with this revolution while maintaining complete dictatorial control, which really isn't coexisting at all, when you think about it. They began working with manufacturers to come up with ways to protect their media, but nothing seemed able to stop the determined pirates. The RIAA grew angry, and started lashing out. They started to fear this form of music distribution they did not have absolute control over. They dealt a crushing blow to Napster, who they long viewed as a thorn in their side, and now seek a similar fate for the slew of new P2P networks that arose in the wake of Napster's downfall. Visit the RIAA homepage to see what other detestable deeds they have committed, and view their plans for crushing the digital revolution moving forward. They proudly document all of it on their site, as to reassure themselves that they are in fact still alive and kicking. The demand for digital media is only intensifying though, and the RIAA needs to come to grips with this and find a way to truly coexist with it. Eventually some band or other will come up with a clever way to take advantage of this demand for digital media and make it big time without ever signing with a major label, resulting in a trend away from the RIAA with upcoming musicians nationwide, spelling the end of the RIAA, if they don't change their methods quickly. Take a look at the RIAA's own current mission statement:

"The Recording Industry Association of America is the trade group that represents the U.S. recording industry. Its mission is to foster a business and legal climate that supports and promotes our members' creative and financial vitality. Its members are the record companies that comprise the most vibrant national music industry in the world. RIAA(r) members create, manufacture and/or distribute approximately 90% of all legitimate sound recordings produced and sold in the United States." Notice how there's no mention of the artists? How about the consumers? No mention of them either. That's because as the RIAA stands now, they're not a concern. Their only concern is their money. If their interests were anywhere else they would not be as unyielding and stubborn as they are. It's a commonly known fact that, in the entertainment industry, if you want to make the big bucks you have to give the people what they want. The people want digital media. The folks at the RIAA need to get that through their thick skulls. The RIAA need not die entirely, it only needs to die in its current form. Times are changing, and there is no place for an institution as inflexible as the RIAA stands now in our future.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY: Pop-up ads

2003-03-12T16:00:00.000-06:00

Pop-up ads are like the billboards along the information superhighway. Except billboards don't usually fall from the sky, crash down in front of you, and force you to read them. That'd be bad.

COMMENTARY - IMAMRON

2003-03-11T11:15:00.000-06:00

I hate vanity plates. Why would anyone pay extra to have a specific arrangement of no more than seven characters as the identification for their vehicle? You're not going to be able to say anything clever with so few letters, especially since the very few witty arrangements like "SLAVE I", or "NCC1701" are certainly already taken. And what's the point of a vanity plate on your car if you're the only one who knows what it means? It loses what little cleverness it had once you have to keep explaining it to every car that pulls up next to you, asking what the garbled phrase you tried to mash down to seven letters on the back of your car is supposed to mean. You may as well just have a randomly assigned plate. And even a garbled vanity plate is easier to remember than a randomly assigned one, so the next time you're driving drunk, plow over a pedestrian, and try to drive off, your plate will be on the tip of any witnesses' tongues. Got something to say and have to stick it on your car? Spell it out on a bumper sticker. It'll cost you only a fraction of a vanity plate, people will actually be able to read and understand it, and neither the DMV or the police keep your bumper stickers on file. Then you can mow down innocent bystanders while intoxicated with ease, and still share your clever message with the world.

NEWS- Stats and stuff

2003-03-10T11:36:00.000-06:00

I signed up with Blog Hot or Not last week, and judging from the results so far, apparently people either absolutely love my site, or they wickedly despise it. Very few people seem to fall in between. Of course, this may be a bit of a premature analysis after only nine votes, but at least I can take comfort that there seem to be more people who fall into the former category than the latter. My poll seems to indicate that my new color scheme has been met with lukewarm acceptance at best, so I will likely be changing it to something more traditional and a little easier on the eyes in the next month or two. I likely won't be taking the time to mess with the site's coding from work anymore, so it'll have to wait until I have a computer at home to work on it. Which, by the way, should only be another month. If all goes according to plan, I will be ordering the parts for my new system sometime next week, and should hopefully have it built and online in the two weeks following. No thanks to any PayPal donations unfortunately... Moving on though, in my ongoing effort to get traffic, and also due to my own curiousity and lack of anything better to do (what was that? Work at work?! That's crazy...), I have probably perused several hundred blogs over the past week. I have shocking news to share with you regarding the blogging community: Most blogs suck. Okay, this isn't really shocking news, and in fact is the reason this blog was founded, in protest of them, but I have been so busy updating my own blog that I had forgotten how much everyone else's sucked. Seriously, you should just stick to mine, and not waste your time even looking at the rest of them. Still, during my surveillance of the blogging community I have stumble across several very, very rare gems of blogs that are actually worth your time to read. So I am starting a new links section on my page to share this short list with you in hopes of saving you the pain and agony of suffering through all the crappy blogs you'd have to wade through to find them on your own. Look for the start of this list to be up a little later today. Once I have my new system built and online at home, I think I'm going to start my own webring for blogs that don't suck. In addition to personally screening the applicants, I also plan on sending invitations to blogs that I think are worthy. This way there will finally be a webring where you can be assured that any site within will not be a total waste of your time. I think I may have just barred my chances of getting into any further webrings in the future by saying as much, but just check out some of the sites in any of the six rings I'm currently signed up for if you have any doubt that most rings don't exactly uphold the highest of quality standards. At any rate, that's about all the news I have for now. I should probably start working at work now, seeing as I've been here three hours and haven't done a thing yet...

COMMENTARY - Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

2003-03-10T10:39:00.000-06:00

I live in America. Last I checked, our national language here was English. Could somebody please tell me why we're bending over backwards for Spanish speakers then? I understand that citizens of many Spanish speaking craphole countries south of the border are exiting en masse, many of them illegally, to the U.S., but what makes them think we need to learn their language, and they can get off without learning ours? Now don't take me for racist in any form. If I lived in a craphole country like that I'm sure I'd do anything to get out to a better place as well. Consider that a criticism of their government, not of the people. But if I move into some other country, I recognize that I damn well better learn the language there if I hope to make it. Yet somehow all these Spanish speakers are getting away with it. I guess they figure if enough of them move to our country, they can push the English illiteracy rate high enough to force the widespread adoption of Spanish. Seems this ploy is working out quite well, in fact. We have Spanish T.V. stations, Spanish newspapers, magazines, and books, restaurants have menus in Spanish, and even government websites are now published in Spanish. Their language is infiltrating our country and slowly sucking the life out of English. What happened to America, the arrogant playboys of the world? Since when did we start catering to other people? What happened to our belief that since we sit on top of the world, everybody should bend over backwards, cater to us, and learn English? If someone were to walk into the Senate and propose that our national language were to be changed to Spanish, he would be laughed right out of Washington. America is very good at deflecting this sort of frontal assault. But as evidenced by our time spent in Vietnam, what we have a weak defense against are guerilla warfare tactics. This is exactly the sort of attack we are seeing on our national language. A covert infiltration is underway, quietly taking chunks of our nation at a time, until soon English speakers will be among the minority and the replacement of our national language becomes inevitable. So I'm probably exaggerating a bit and being overdramatic, but the issue in some form still remains. I think if nothing else it is a sign that our country is changing. I could not see our nation going to such lengths to accommodate immigrants some decades ago. Welcome them, we certainly did, but cater to them we did not. How this transforming America will affect our lives, for better or for worse, remains to be seen. Perhaps America is just growing up, or perhaps we are growing old.

COMMENTARY - News for the naive from Nigeria

2003-03-07T13:07:00.000-06:00

I've heard about these fraud emails before, but this is the first time I have had the good fortune to recieve one myself. Yessir, it seems I'm heir apparent to $12 million! Take a look:

Dear Bailey, I am Mr.Benny Obaseki, the Manager funds release with Standard Trust Bank (plc), I am the accountant in charge of Mr.Anthony Bailey's account a National of your country, who used to work with a Multi-National oil Firm in Nigeria. Here in after shall be referred to as my client On April 21, 2000, my client, his wife, and their three children were involved in a car accident along Sagamu express way. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives. Since then I have made several inquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended Relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my client before they Get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits were lodged, particularly the Standard Trust Bank (plc) where the deceased had an account valued at about ($12 million u s dollars) has Issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next ten official working days. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2 years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at ($12 million u s dollars) can be paid to you and then you and me Can share the money. 60% to me and 40% to you . All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through.I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me by my email. Best regards, Benny Obaseki. Wow. I wonder how many idiots actually buy into this obvious fraud. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to play along for a bit, see how long it takes him to realize that I'm interested in nothing more than mocking him. So here's the email I sent back. I will hopefully be able to follow this up next week with his return reply, unless he's unfortunately quick-witted and catches on to my sarcasm after just the first round. My last name, in case you were wondering, isn't even Bailey.

Dear Mr. Obaseki, Thank you so much for contacting me in regards to my deceased relative and his unclaimed fortune. I am quite impressed with your investigative skills, to have tracked me down to this anonymous email account that I had opened no more than four months ago, especially considering how you were going off of nothing more than a last name that has no attachment to this address whatsoever. Your writing skills seem to lack the same level of proficiency however, as I would expect something a little more eloquent from someone holding the title of bank manager, but perhaps this could be attributed to English being a second language for you. I took the liberty of visiting the website for Standard Trust Bank to learn a little more about your company and verify that it was a legitimate organization. There was a notice on the site that read as follows: "It has come to our notice that some individuals have been impersonating Standard Trust Bank Plc and officials of the bank and making business proposals to the public. This is to advise the public especially our customers and prospective customers to exercise extreme caution in responding to all suspicious business proposals from these sources..." I'm sure this is just a precautionary statement though, and that your proposal is certainly genuine. So please tell me, what must I do in order to secure this inheritance? I eagerly await your reply. Cordially, TribbleHunter Bailey

COMMENTARY - Say Good Morning to my FIST

2003-03-06T10:03:00.000-06:00

I propose that the term "good morning" should fall into disuse for its lack of political correctness. I feel the word "good" is entirely too subjective to be tossed about so lightly. Going around spouting "good morning" throughout the AM hours only spreads dissention and ill will among everyone you come into contact with. It's a simple fact that most people's mornings are not, in fact, good. What's good about having to wake up, drag yourself out of bed, and drive in rush hour traffic to get to your lame boring job? That's right, NOTHING. This is why most people are NOT in a good mood in the morning, and why they don't appreciate your salutations of "good morning". By saying such you are insinuating that you are in fact having a good morning yourself, for why else would you wish someone else to have a good morning if you are not even having one? Your flaunting "good morning" is then interpreted as boasting your cheery disposition in the face of the unhappy populace around you, who will then loathe and resent you for it. So if you are one of those annoyingly cheery morning people, I suggest you keep your calls of "good morning" to yourself in the future so as to curb any further unnecessary animosity towards you from those around you who do not share your disposition. Instead, I suggest the simple greeting of "Morning" be adopted. This statement conveys the simple fact that, yes, it is morning, without inflicting your cheeriness upon others who want nothing to do with it, and just want you to leave them alone to their coffee until lunchtime.

NEWS- What do you do when a Floridiot throws a grenade into your house?

2003-03-05T15:01:00.000-06:00

Pull the pin out and toss it back. It sounds like a bad joke, but read this latest article on Floridiocy. Apparently someone threw a grenade into this family's home, which they immediately threw back out the window, where it landed in the front lawn, and didn't blow up. When the bomb squad got there, they discovered the pin hadn't even been pulled, and that it was in fact an old grenade that someone had put a pin back into to make it look active, so it wouldn't have done anything if the idiot had thought to pull it before he chucked the thing anyway. I don't go out of my way to pick on Florida natives, they just make it so easy...

NEWS - Uh... Stuff and things...

2003-03-04T13:34:00.000-06:00

New site of the day definitely worth a mention, Intellectual Whores is the home of "Ladder Theory", which explains exactly how men and women think, and how these differences in gender specific cognitive reasoning account for virtually all instances of men getting mentally kicked in the face by women. If you're a guy who's been screwed over by a chick and still bitter about it, you'll love this site, and most likely be able to determine where you went wrong. If you're a guy new to the dating scene, you should use this site as your bible, it'll save you a lot of future heartache if you do. Oh, and if you're a chick, yeah, you could go read it too, and then tell yourself that you're different and shrug it off, just like every other chick who reads it does. Also, the latest Deep Thought from Danny: "You know how pretty much everything in the night sky we see has already taken place many many many many years ago? I HATE that. I hate being the last one to know what's going on." You should go check out his post on the evils of ice cream as well.

COMMENTARY - War Happens. Get Over It.

2003-03-04T10:54:00.000-06:00

I'm tired of hearing everyone lament about war. Yes, it's bad. Yes, people die and things blow up. It's all the elements that make a good action movie, but it seems to suddenly lose its appeal when it's happening on the evening news instead of on HBO. Go figure. I have a simple mathematical explanation for all you people sniveling about the evils of war. You might recognize it if you managed to make it through so much as junior high. If A=B, and B=C, then A=C. What's this got to do with war? Well, let's add some names to these variables. We'll assign the word happens to A, B will be sh*t, and C will stand for war. So adding these variables into our formula, A=B stands for happens=sh*t, or put into plain English, "sh*t happens". This is a common universally accepted truth, and is the foundation for the rest of our formula. Next, B=C would represent sh*t=war, or in common terms, "war is sh*t". This is also widely accepted as a factual statement. So that brings us to A=C, happens=war, or "war happens". As you can plainly see, if the previous two statements of sh*t happens and war is sh*t are true, then the declaration that war happens must also be true. That's right. There's no way around it. War happens. So get over it. A study was done on rats, where the rodents were placed in a utopian environment with more fresh food and water than they could use. Yet interestingly enough, as the rat population grew and their environment became overcrowded, the rats started to break into distinct packs and began hording the food, even though there was more than enough to go around. They then became extremely violent and began killing each other. All as a result of overpopulation. I think we see a similar phenomenon with humans on a global scale, and while typically overlooked, it is still likely a playing factor in the instigation of wars. Honestly, I think we should welcome war as a form of population control. While it's true there are civilian casualties, wars are really fought by and large by soldiers. In many countries these soldiers may not be offered the choice to serve as they are here in the U.S., but whether they were drafted by force or joined up by choice, the casualties of war are largely refined to the specific demographic of males of reproductive age. Eventually the war ends, the population has been cut back, and human reproduction will have been deferred for a generation or two. This seems to me a more favorable form of population control than many. Most other forms of limiting the population lack the controlled nature of war. Take disease as another example. Disease is far less discerning about its victims, and kills without the discretion of war. So would you want to be a candidate for population control yourself via some strange and exotic jungle virus, or would you rather someone willing to sacrifice their lives go out and die for you in a more controlled method of population management instead? Puts it in a different light when you look at it like that, doesn't it? I'm still not saying you have to like it, but come to grips with the fact that war is an inevitable event, and is not as evil as you may think. And please, quit your pansy sniveling and show your appreciation to those soldiers who are willing to sacrifice their lives to prevent the animalistic instincts of man from destroying us all. You owe it to them.

COMMENTARY - New! Warped Core PREMIUM BLEND!!! (a.k.a "Shameless plug for money")

2003-03-03T11:01:00.000-06:00

I'm cheap. That's why I host this site at Blogspot using Blogger, because they're free. I have free email accounts, free hosted stat trackers, free polls, and am now looking into a free discussion board or commenting system for the site. I am a big fan of the word "free". But with every one of these free services I have, there lurks its premium counterpart but a click away. You will inevitably at some point take a peak at these premium services during the course of your usage of the free model, and be enticed by the new and upgraded features for just a meager few dollars a month. Many of you may even buy into it and shell out the money for the benefits that come with that title of "premium user". While, as I said, I much prefer the word "free", I can see how this model is effective. The people who want something for nothing have the free service, those with too much money to spend get their title of "premium user", and many of the free subscribers may be convinced to upgrade their services later, making the retailer happy. Everybody wins. So I got to thinking, since this model is used on about everything else even remotely related to my blog and seems to work so well, why not incorporate some sort of premium pay model into my blog as well? I gave it a good deal of thought, and have instead only managed to come up with a list of reasons NOT to do this. It'd be too much work to manage subscriptions, I don't really have many visitors to begin with, and I'm sure most of my regular visitors are as cheap as I am and wouldn't pay for it anyways. Oh, and there's also the fact that I have about nothing to offer paying subscribers that would be worth their money. Since I'm a big fan of the word "free" myself, I have a hard time coming up with content or incentives that I feel warrant your money. So while I may have decided that a premium pay model such as this certainly wouldn't work out too well for my blog, I still want people to give me their money. Then I thought, hey, why not just provide people with the opportunity to simply give you their money for no good reason? That's what PayPal is for, right? Enter my PayPal donation link.

Here's another scenario where everybody wins. You still get all of my content for free, and I will continue to maintain the site as I do currently, as I don't seriously expect anyone to actually donate any money to me. But, should you choose to make a donation, you can take pride in the knowledge that you are aiding in the betterment of my humble little blog. How, you ask? Well, for starters, I may one day be able to afford a computer of my own, so I can type my articles from home rather than writing it all at work when I should be working. This will also ensure that I get more work done at work, as it will cut down on the time I have to spend messing with my blog from there, thus decreasing the chances that I get fired and am left with no means with which to update the site at all in the future. With enough donations, I may even be able to afford an internet connection with that new computer, and I would be able to update the site on the weekends, instead of just on weekdays as I do now. Think about it, if I were to post seven days a week instead of a mere five, that would represent a 28.6% increase in new site content per week, all thanks to your donations. But wait, there's more. I often come up with thoughts or ideas throughout the day that would make great posts on my blog, but since I have nothing on which to jot these ideas down on the spot, I often forget them, and what may have become a precious editorial gem is lost to the swiftly flowing sands of time. Your donations could help fund the purchase of a Palm Pilot, so I could not only jot down these thoughts on the fly, but even write entire articles while I am on the go, improving both the quality and quantity on the site. And after that, I could use donations to buy a digital camera, to improve the aesthetic quality of my site with new photos and graphics. Donations would also allow me to buy more toys and games, see more movies, and go more places, giving me a plethora of new topics to write about, ensuring new and exciting content far into the future. So as you can see, if you enjoy my blog, giving me your money is really in your best interest. So donate freely and often! This is the end of my shameless plug.

COMMENTARY – A blog by any other name still doesn’t get any traffic

2003-02-28T09:22:00.000-06:00

Well, I’ve had this blog up for a few weeks now and am here to report that, despite any efforts, I still get about NO traffic. That’s right. I’m still largely talking to myself. So what else is new. Seems appropriate that if I largely talk to myself and no one listens to me in the real world, the same should go for my website. At any rate, I’ve made a little analysis of this phenomenon and put together a few tips on what to do and what not to do to get traffic to your blog. How to waste your time and not get any traffic You will not find “doing nothing” in this category, believe it or not. Think about it. If, by doing nothing, you get even a single visitor, you’re actually getting a better return on your time than if you spent hours working to promote your site only to get the same result. So from that perspective, doing nothing is actually quite efficient. However, if you are actually interested in getting any traffic, doing nothing is among the poorest forms of site promotion. There are even less efficient ways to not get traffic though. The following are a few examples. Blog directories. How many people actually sit down in front of their computer and think, “Hey, I want to read about other people’s mundane lives today, let’s see if I can find a directory of people’s stupid personal sites”? The answer, apparently, is nobody. I am listed in four or five different directories of this nature, and have only gained about 3 hits off of them collectively in the past two weeks. Most people that bored who find themselves sitting in front of a computer with an internet connection are far more likely to be looking for free porn. Webrings. An even dumber idea than blog directories. At least a blog directory is relatively quick and easy. You submit your site with some info, wait a few minutes to a few days, and your site gets listed. With a webring, you have to similarly submit your site, but then you have to wait for a ring administrator to visit your site and accept it, and then you need to add some code to your site to become an official member of the ring. And you have to do that for each and every ring you want to join. That’s a lot of work to not get any traffic. Now consider, for someone to actually find your site using a webring, they first have to stumble across the ring, and then they likely have to make their way through a mass of other dull, boring, and stupid sites in the ring in order to reach yours, assuming they don’t lose interest along the way first and go look for some free porn instead. With the five webrings I signed up for, I have only been approved for three, and between those I have only gained one meager hit in two weeks. How’s that for inefficient? Spam I have not engaged in this form of shameless self-promotion, but thought it was worth a mention. Nobody, save for maybe AOL subscribers, pays any attention to spam. Spam people’s email, and you’ll likely get filtered out, blocked, and/or deleted without a second glance. Spam message boards or chat rooms and you’ll meet similar success, with your posts most likely being deleted and you getting kicked/banned from the site or server as well. You might be able to meet short term success with spamming, by advertising your blog as free porn, but you will quickly lose those visitors once they discover the false advertising. How to actually get some traffic Let’s face it. Nobody really searches for blogs. Nobody cares about what you think or what you have to say, so they’re not even going to look for a site where you tell them as much, and if they are to stumble upon it, it was probably by accident and they will leave as quickly as possible before they might waste precious minutes read something, taking away from their time searching for free porn. So since getting legitimate traffic that is actually interested in your site is all but impossible, here are a few tricks to get some unknowing visitors to your site. Update constantly. You don’t even have to add any content. Just keep updating your site. This is particularly effective if you host your site on Blogger, as you are improving your chances of getting on that “10 Most Recently Updated” list on Blogger.com’s front page to make some cheap hits from people who are actually at least somewhat interested in blogs. The other advantage is that most search engines rank new sites better than those that are updated less frequently. This leads into my next point… Search engines. Again, let me reiterate that no one is ever actually going to look for your site, nor stumble across your site while searching for anything related to blogs in general. They’re too busy looking for free porn. Tailoring your site to rank well in searches related to terms on blogs or blogging will not do much to your benefit. Thankfully however, sites that are largely text based, as a blog should be, will generally rank well in search engines, since you have more keywords for them to hone in on. So use this to your advantage, and cover as many random words and phrases as possible in your posts. Then people searching for something totally irrelevant to the contents of your site will stumble across you in their search results thanks to the large volume of unrelated words on your blog. Free porn. Now, taking into consideration everything you just learned, you should no longer be attempting to promote your blog as a blog, but rather filling your site with as many random keywords as possible for commonly run search engine queries in order to get traffic. Probably the best way to do this is to say words like “free porn” as often as possible. Take a look at this post alone. I’ve used the words “free porn” more than half a dozen times already. I can guarantee you that I’ll get a good two dozen hits for this post off of search engines as a result. Of course, your visitors won’t stay long when they realize you don’t actually have any free porn, but hey, it beats trying to get legitimate traffic.

NEWS – Site Updated

2003-02-27T11:36:00.000-06:00

Sorry to all four or five of you who visit my site regularly for not posting anything new yesterday, but as you can see, there have been some substantial updates to the site’s appearance. I’ve got an all new color scheme which you may or may not like, and I also added a poll so you can vote on that very topic. There are new additions to my list of sites that don’t suck, and I have also finally settled on my stat trackers. Here’s the quick rundown on my findings. Extreme had way too much code for a tracker and doesn’t work correctly with blogger. Bravenet wasn’t bad, but didn’t do enough as a stat tracker for me, although they do offer a lot of other free services for webmasters, so I might revisit them at a later date. Similarly, Sitemeter, iHit, and Gigastats each were not bad, but did not provide me with all the information I expected from a good stat tracker. So here are the winners, IPStats, and AddFreeStats. IPStats has the sleekest code of all the trackers, with only 2 lines to add to your HTML, and it displays all your information on one simple page with pretty charts and graphs to boot. It doesn’t track referrers however, although they are apparently working on adding this feature, but since that is one of the biggest things I want to see, IPStats obviously wasn’t the sole solution for me. Enter AddFreeStats. AddFreeStats easily tracks more information for free than all of these other trackers combined. You even get many of the features for free that other trackers charge for as a premium service. My only complaint is the lack of any charts or graphs to display your data. So by combining AddFreeStats with IP stats, I get about everything I need. That’s about it for now. Now that the site’s all new and pretty, I’ll add some fresh content tomorrow, I promise. Until then.

COMMENTARY – The Dangers of the Discovery Channel

2003-02-25T14:44:00.000-06:00

Parents need to be very careful about what they allow their children to watch on television these days. Even the seemingly harmless Discovery Channel is no longer safe. Take the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, for example, running around grabbing crocodiles by the tail, and playing with venomous snakes, spiders, and a variety of other lethal animals and insects. Do not allow your children to watch this show under any circumstances. Next thing you know, they’ll all be running around talking with Australian accents, saying things like “Crikey!” all the time, and who as a parent wants their children to do that? But children and Australian accents aside, those seemingly most susceptible to Steve Irwin’s bad example of tackling large reptiles is your average ordinary Floridiot. I spent three years living in Florida, and know the breed well. Just take a look at this news article for a typical example of Floridiocy at work. While I am initially impressed by a 49-year old woman who can pick up a live 6-foot alligator and toss it in the back seat of her car, I am more immediately struck by the sheer stupidity of doing so. You’ll notice how they mention it’s a felony to possess an alligator in Florida, as she was obviously not the first person to try something so incredulously unintelligent as wrapping her arms around one of these land sharks. The tourists have more respect for these prehistoric lizards than the natives do. You’d think with such easy feeding, the alligator population would explode uncontrollably in Florida. It very well might if Floridiots were to learn how to drive their boats sober and stopped mowing down any gator or manatee in their path. I suggest that, in an effort to discourage future incidences of such television-inspired stupidity, all timeslots previously occupied by the Crocodile Hunter should instead be replaced with The Joy of Painting. I challenge even a Floridiot to kill themselves mimicking Bob Ross.

NEWS- Music makes my head go round

2003-02-25T11:28:00.000-06:00

I didn’t know it was possible to blow out headphone speakers. Perhaps I play my music too loud? Could be that I’ve had these headphones for a while and use them eight hours a day every day, so I’d suppose they have certainly exceeded their average life expectancy. Whatever the case, I have noticed that over the past week, as my headphones have been slowly passing away, my quality and quantity of work have deteriorated. And here I am today with a brand new set of headphones at only 10:30, and I’ve already completed and posted my Animal Crossing article, AND have more work done already than I have managed to accomplish in a full eight hours any day last week, and now I’m posting again today. Yessir, music is my lifeline. Perhaps it’s a side effect of watching too many movies, that my life feels as out of place without music as a movie without a soundtrack. Whatever the case, well, I’m back! Back in the saddle again…

GUIDE – How to piss off your chick obsessed with Animal Crossing.

2003-02-25T10:14:00.000-06:00

Throughout this article, I will be referring to these guides at GameFAQs.com. I hate Animal Crossing. I don’t have the patience for it. I don’t like a game that makes me wait. Gaming is about instant gratification. It’s about firing up your favorite game and letting the instant mayhem take you away from the dull tedium of your real life for a while. What’s the point of tossing a game in to live a virtual life of tedium to replace your real one? I don’t get it. For some reason though, chicks love this game. It’s like Tetris. I never understood chicks’ fascination with Tetris either, how they could just sit there and play it for hours and hours, yet it seems to be an undeniable universal female trait nonetheless. It appears that Animal Crossing has this same female appeal, however this time Nintendo has made it far more insidious. For as she plays the game, it will continuously drop hints to her about how much more fun the game would be if she were to get some friends to play it with her too. Which means you. Within three days she will have suckered you into playing it with her, and there is nothing you can do but suffer through it with her to make her happy. Or is there? I feel your pain, for I am in the same position as you. Have no fear though, I have a few tips to help you out so you don’t have to actually work or wait for anything. With these guidelines and a little help from GameFAQs.com, you will be able to show your significant other that Animal Crossing is NOT, in fact, more fun with more people, and she’ll be deleting your memory card in no time, and you’ll be off the hook. Step 1: In the Beginning… First off, start your own town, don’t just move into your chick’s existing town. This means you’ll need a second memory card, but chances are you already have one since she’s likely playing this on your Gamecube and is using the free memory card that came with the game, so you should still have that memory card of your own you can use. Alright, now I hate to tell you this, but you’re going to have to actually play the game for a bit at the start. When the game begins, you move into your new town and pick out and buy a house from Tom Nook, the shopkeeper. You have next to no money, so you become his indentured servant for a time and have to run a handful of errands for him, until he can’t think of anything else he needs you to do. He’ll then release you from working for him, but will tell you how you still need to pay off the rest of your house. This will have given you ample time to develop a solid aversion for the actual game, and once that part is done, you’re ready to move on to step 2. Step 2: Back to the Future. Time traveling is one of the greatest and cheesiest ways to make quick cash. Next time you start your game, set the date back to January 1st 2001 (since that’s as far back as it will go). Check your mailbox. You’ll have a “Happy New Years” letter from “Mom” with 10,000 bells attached. Pocket the cash, save your game, and change the date to January 1st, 2002. Lo and behold, mother left you another 10 grand. Pocket it, save, and warp forward another year. If you did this all the way to 2030, which is as far as the calendar will go, you’d have close to 300,000 bells already in a manner of an hour or so. Other good dates for easy cash are October 31st (Halloween, after 6pm), and November 5th (Mayor’s Day), 11th (Officer’s Day), and 29th (Sales Day). You’ll have to actually trek to the wishing well on each of these days and talk to the mayor, where he’ll give you some model or other, depending on the holiday, all of which sell for bank at Nook’s store. The next best way to get cash is to scout the area for fossils each day, mail them off to the museum for identification, then save, quit, and warp forward a day so they’ll already be back in your mailbox. Sell them to Nook, find the new fossils for the day, and repeat until you have enough cash. Also check some of the guides at GamesFAQ.com for some other tricks for quick cash if you have an additional empty memory card or a GBA with a link cable. Step 3: The Black Market. Now that you have all this easy money, paying off all the upgrades on your house should be a piece of cake. But now there’s the problem of putting stuff in that empty house. To actually find the items you want in the game is a pain in the neck. You have to shop around every day to see what new items are in the store, or run stupid errands for other townsfolk and hope they give you something good instead of some crappy stationary. This certainly takes an unacceptably sizable amount of time. That’s why you just steal the items you want. Check out the Universal Codes FAQ on the above link to GameFAQs.com. This is by no means a complete list of items in the game, and I’ve come across a few codes on this list that don’t seem to work, but you can still use it to attain the majority of items in the game for free, without the days, weeks, or months of hunting for them legitimately. All you have to do is go to Tom Nook’s store, give him the code for the item you want, and he just gives it to you. Simple as that. Oh, and don’t have enough cash yet? Check the turnip prices with Tom Nook everyday, and when they’re high use the code to get 100 turnips and sell them back to him. This can be the most efficient source of income by far. Tom will only let you use the codes to get items three times before he says he’s all out, but just go back to your house, save and quit, and then come back the same day, and he’ll let you use another three. The highest I’ve seen was 624 bells per turnip, and using this trick I had over a million bells in far less time than the time warp trick. I don’t think there’s any real way to gauge what the turnip prices are going to be, so just keep an eye on them as you play. Step 4: Cat Burglary. And all the other animals for that matter. Now that you’re loaded with cash, and your house is all upgraded, use the guides to make a perfect house/ perfect town. This might take a little while, but not to worry, we’re almost done. Oh, and don’t worry about the weeds. It would take you forever to pull them all if you’ve accumulated a lot of weeds in your town, which you will if you time warped at all. So set the clock to about 2am and wander around town looking for a ghost. He’ll ask you to catch 5 spirits lost somewhere in your town. Grab your bug net and with ten or fifteen minutes of searching you should have captured them all. Return them to the ghost, and to reward you he will offer to paint the roof of your house, give you a present, or pull your weeds for you. The choice should be obvious. After you’ve managed to attain a perfect town, spend a lot of time traveling back and forth between your town and your chick’s town. While you’re taking the train, the memory cards interact, and if your town is rated better than hers, a lot of the people from her town will move out and settle in your town instead. Also, now that you know what it takes to make a perfect town, you could do a little sabotage in her town as well. Trample flowers, cut down trees, and the like. She will be none too pleased to play the next day to find everyone in her town has instead moved to yours. COVER YOUR TRACKS! This is the most important part. If she catches you changing the clock, or using the codes to get items, or discovers any evidence of the steps in this guide, she will likely take to cheating as well just to stay ahead of you. While you will have managed to destroy the game for her, you now don’t have an easy way out. The idea is to leave her frustrated and baffled at how your town could be so much more successful than hers. So it is important you do not get caught. If you time warp, be sure to set the clock back to the correct date and time before she plays again. Hide the codes where she won’t find them if you’ve printed them out. And don’t totally ravage her village all at once. She’ll notice if all her trees are leveled overnight, but won’t miss a few a day, for example. If you follow these steps correctly, you should be rich, have a big house with all the cool items, and everyone will want to live in your town, while she will be left living in a shack in an empty village. She won’t be happy, and you know what that means. So say goodbye to your memory card, and you’re off the hook.

COMMENTARY – The Legend of Zelda: A cel-shady future

2003-02-24T11:34:00.000-06:00

Nintendo got me. They got their hookshot in my wallet and I was forced to fork over my hard earned rupees to preorder a game that by all appearances will do nothing more than piss me off. That’s right, I already reserved a copy of Windwaker. Just a few weeks ago I swore I would never even play it, much less buy the game, and here I am reserving a copy before it’s even released. What could have caused such a drastic turnaround? Because Nintendo is crafty, and while it may not appear that they are on top in the console race right now, they know what they are doing. Look at the Pokemon craze. That was all Nintendo’s doing. The marketing genius behind Nintendo managed to captivate the minds of practically every child under the age of 14 worldwide with the stupid little critters for years. Their same tactics which can be seen so strongly in the Pokemon franchise are also making them a fortune in other channels. For example, and the point of this article, their popular Zelda game series. I remember the footage from Spaceworld 2000 of the new Zelda they were working on for the Gamecube at the time, prior to the decision to go cel shaded. (Sorry if this post is rather devoid of links, I don’t have time to hunt down the pics right now, so you’ll just have to take my word for it, go find them yourself, or wait until I have a little more time and update this post with them.) It was absolutely amazing. There was Link and Ganon, beautifully rendered and big as life, locked in yet another legendary epic battle. I almost cried. I eagerly awaited news of when this game would be released. I could hardly contain my anticipation. But alas, my dreams were shattered and all hopes of ever seeing this game in my hands vanished as they made the announcement: The project had been scrapped in favor of a cel shaded version. I don’t know what prompted them to try something as new and different and stupid with the series as turning it into a cel shaded cartoon. I don’t know anybody who actually likes cel shading. I can’t think of a single cel shaded game that sold well either. But that doesn’t matter to Nintendo. Nintendo knows of the fanatic following the series has. They know we will buy anything with the Zelda name on it, no matter how badly they crap it up. We may whine and complain about it, but the fact remains we still bought it and Nintendo is still making money off of it. My guess is they went with the cel shading to see if the new style would bring in some new players, since they already know they can rely on their old customers to buy it, no matter what they do to it. But that’s not the end of it. Nintendo knew there would be some of us old hardcore fans who would put our foot down at this abomination, and say cel shading is taking it too far. So they employed a tactic to not only ensnare these rebels and bring them back to the franchise, but to also ensure a successful product launch, by offering a bonus disc with preordered copies of the game. This bonus disc includes a complete copy of the N64’s Ocarina of Time, as well as the “Master Quest”, another full version of Ocarina of Time with new and more challenging dungeons. Wow. You get three games for the price of one, and if you don’t like Windwaker you have the N64 classic along with it’s remix to keep you entertained. If you think about it though, this bonus disc is costing Nintendo next to nothing. They merely had to alter the existing game for the new platform and they were done. They didn’t even make the Master Quest with the Gamecube release in mind. It was actually previously developed for release with the 64DD, a disc drive add-on for the N64 which they were working on late in the console’s life cycle in hopes of capturing a few more game developers with the prospect of making games on cheap discs as opposed to the expensive cartridges. Obviously the accessory never caught on, so the Master Quest has just been sitting in a closet until someone got the bright idea of dusting it off and bolstering Windwaker sales with it. So with little additional investment of time, money, or resources, Nintendo has already ensured this radically redesigned addition to the Zelda series will be an instant success. I can see you thinking already. Three games for the price of one, not a bad idea… maybe I should reserve a copy… And there you have it. You don’t play Nintendo. Nintendo plays you.

NEWS - Too busy for a clever title today

2003-02-21T11:32:00.000-06:00

An unusually busy day at work today. Especially for a Friday. Oh well. Guess you half dozen people who visit my blog will have to wait until Monday for any substantial new content. You might notice some stat tracker rotation over the next couple of weeks. I decided against adding all 7 of them at once, since it looked sloppy and annoying, so I’m only going to test one or two at a time, and rotate out the ones I don’t like, and fill you in when I’m done tinkering with them and come to a conclusive decision on which one is best. EDIT: You'll notice my hit counter may be really low, but that's only counting the time since that particular stat tracker was on the site, not the total hits to date for the site proper. I know I don't get a lot of traffic, but I'm not that pathetic...

NEWS - Site Re-update

2003-02-20T10:30:00.000-06:00

Okay, I got a new stat tracker now via GigaStats, we'll see how/if this one actually works. I appreciate the unobtrusive button with the new service as opposed to the annoying banner, at least. I also got to looking at the color scheme for the site, seeing as I haven't bothered to change it from the blogger template default, and decided that it's really kinda boring. So look for some new colors in the coming weeks, or whenever I get around to it. I typically only really have time to either post or tinker with the code, and not often can I manage both in the same day. Unless someone wants to give me a computer so I can work on it over the weekends... EDIT: In my searching, I also found a handful of other free stat trackers that looked promising. So I decided what the hell, tomorrow I'm going to just add all of them. Then I'll monitor each of them over the next few weeks, decide which one I like best, throw out the rest, and then write up a little review on it. Why not. There's a chance that someone might possibly find it useful. Might be interesting to see how their results compare too.

NEWS - Site Downdate

2003-02-19T17:53:00.000-06:00

I have just removed Freestats from my blog. I was having too many problems with that stupid stat tracker for it to stick around. I'll start looking for a new stat tracker that actually works tomorrow. You know, maybe one that doesn't take my whole site down with it when it doesn't load properly...

COMMENTARY – How to make a complete blithering idiot of yourself in only three square feet of space

2003-02-19T11:46:00.000-06:00

I had briefly mentioned earlier the spastic spectacle I saw convulsing on the Dance Dance Revolution machine when I went to the theater over the weekend. I have given a fair deal of thought as to what exactly made him look so ridiculous, and it real boils down to this: Take that geek off that nine square pad, and he wouldn’t have a clue how to dance. Yet you pop in a few quarters and throw him up there, and he thinks he’s John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. How many guys that actually know how to dance have you seen pounding away on a DDR machine for hours on end? Most likely none at all, because they’re all out at the hot clubs showing off their real dance moves and actually picking up chicks. Yet geeks remain in their delusion that somehow the DDR machine makes them cool and will help them get a date. Just watch when a girl steps up to the pad next to him to play a round or two. His heart starts pumping madly, his eyes go wide with hope and anticipation, and he jumps and gyrates with twice the enthusiasm as before. Yet it always ends the same. She steps off after a round or two, and the geek can do nothing but look on dejectedly, and wait for the next female contender to set foot in his domain. DDR is a hopeless trap for geeks. It’s like clubbing for nerds. They are enthralled by the idea of simply stepping onto a pad and following the uncomplicated instructions on the monitor, and then by adding some music and flashing lights they think they’re dancing. I can understand the geek appeal. It puts you in front of a big screen, turns dancing into a game with computer instructions, and social interaction is not required. But DDR represents the opposite of everything required to get a date. You will not pick up hot chicks. You will not be a better dancer. And people will certainly not think you’re cooler, in fact they will most likely think the opposite, watching you flailing around like an idiot in your delusion of your own gracefulness. Do yourself a favor and quit NOW. Or hopefully you are reading this in time to never start in the first place. Dance Dance Revolution is a one of the largest factors responsible for giving geeks a bad name. So many geeks are drawn to DDR’s illusion of social acceptance, not realizing that to the rest of the world it’s just a big neon sign that says “Look at the stupid geek.” Stay off it, at all costs. Save up those quarters and pay for some real dance lessons. Gather a couple of geek buddies, buy yourselves some new threads, and head out to a nightclub together. Even a wallflower at a club has a better chance at getting a date than any freak on Dance Dance Revolution. And if you see any other geeks on DDR in the future, be sure to do what I do and sack them. They’re giving you a bad name, and besides, it’s for their own good. Preserve and protect the good name of geek. Join the opposition of DDR.

NEWS - SotD UPDATE

2003-02-18T10:46:00.000-06:00

I just realized I've been neglecting to update my Site of the Day list. So to apologize, here's a quick rundown of the five new additions I added today. Don't know if I'll have time to post anything else substantial today though. Monty Python in LEGO: That's right, the entire Camelot musical number from the Holy Grail acted out identically to the movie, but with LEGO characters. They actually put this on the special edition DVD release of the movie too. Teddy Borg: This is what happens when a bunch of MIT students get bored and have spare computer parts laying around... Duct Tape Fashion: Buy the latest apparel made entirely out of duct tape! Schroedinger's Cat: A translated and modernized version of Schroedinger's "cat theory". A pretty intense read. The Principia Discordia: In case that last link was too much for you, here is the complete bible on the worship of the goddess of confusion. Enjoy!

COMMENTARY – Theater-going advice for stupid people.

2003-02-17T10:51:00.000-06:00

Looks like I’ll be postponing my Animal Crossing article another few days in light of several events over the weekend that I feel are more deserving of commentary. A friend of mine celebrated his birthday this weekend and for some reason threw his party on Friday, and we went to the theater to see Daredevil. So let’s see if you caught all that. We went to the theater on the opening night of a movie on a holiday Friday, Valentines Day no less. There was not a parking spot within three blocks. People were parked behind the theater, at all the surrounding restaurants, on the sidewalks, in the handicap spaces, in the fire lanes, in the road, legally or illegally there was a vehicle just about anywhere someone could slam on the brakes and throw it into park. What are all these people doing here? Well, watching a movie obviously, but what brings them all here now? Surveying the lobby while I waited in that endless line for overpriced popcorn, I broke the crowd down into three distinct major categories. Well, there was also the freak playing Dance Dance Revolution like he was having an epileptic seizure, but we’ll save him for his own special commentary later. The date couple was one of the more obvious and prominent groups, seeing as it was Valentines and all. How much more uncreative can you get than taking your chick out for the old “dinner and a movie” routine? I understand this is a tried and true method for getting to suck face for two hours in a dimly lit room, but if you’re serious about the girl and are interested in anything more than getting in her pants, then put a little more thought and ingenuity into your date than dinner and a movie. There are so many other things you could be doing together that would do far more to improve your relationship than sticking your tongues in each other’s mouths in the dark. If you’re too much of an idiot to think of anything else, then it is recommended that you don’t breed and pass on your obviously mentally inferior genes anyway, so you should forget the whole dating thing now and stop crowding the theaters. The second noticeable group were the “opening nighters”. These are the people who waited in line for a solid month to see Star Wars, not thinking that they don’t sell more tickets than they have seats for in the theater, so the guy who showed up five minutes before the movie started who bought his tickets earlier that week is sitting but two rows behind you and is laughing at you. What’s so important about seeing a movie the night it comes out anyway? Will it somehow be better or different than if you saw it a week or two later? Are you deathly afraid that you will get to work on Monday and somebody at the water cooler will ask you that dreadful question, if you saw some new movie or other over the weekend, and you’d just have to hang your head in shame and admit that you haven’t? Or perhaps you’re just one of those people who has to be first in everything, and you can’t stand the thought that, heaven forbid, someone saw a movie before you. Whatever your case, it’s pathetic. Go read a book or something. Maybe a dummy’s guide to computers so you can stop using AOL. If being the first person to see a movie is that important to you then I suggest you seek counseling. But you better hurry to book the good times with the psychiatrist, before someone else beats you to it. The last and by far most annoying group were the theater rats. A close relative to the mall rat, these adolescent punks anywhere from 9-15 years old were underfoot everywhere you went. It was like an infestation. How did they all get here? They obviously can’t drive. But in all fairness, I can’t rightly blame the kids. Children are stupid. No fault of their own, it’s a simple lack of life experience. To them, hanging out in crowded places like theaters and malls is “cool”. If the mall or the theater weren’t crowded, it would probably cease to have such popularity among them and they’d flock to whatever the new “cool” locality was. Who’s really at fault here are these children’s parents. They don’t feel like taking the time to raise their own children, so rather than spending time with them, they drive them to the “cool” places and dump them off. Then when they hit high school they wonder where their kids picked up the drug habits, the foul language, and the disrespect. I’m sure you aren’t thinking that all the rated R movies they snuck into when you dumped them off at the theater while they were young impressionable children had anything to do with it. You may find this regrettable and unfortunate, but unlike some animal that can spit out offspring and then kick it out on it’s own a few months later, you are stuck with your children for 18 years. You are responsible for everything they do during that time, and if your children turns out to be delinquents because you neglected to spend enough time with them and they learned everything they know instead from the TV, movies, or their likewise misguided friends, you have no one to blame but yourself. You’re probably the same people who didn’t listen to me about not dating if you can’t think of anything better to do than dinner and a movie and went ahead and had children anyways, and now you don’t know what else to do with them either. Well that’s what you get for not listening to me. So there you have it, you can add the movie-going experience to the list of things that would be better if everybody listened to me.

Commentary: Valentines Day Special! Why the Roman Empire was so great.

2003-02-14T10:37:00.000-06:00

I was sitting at my desk at work, finishing off my Animal Crossing writeup this morning when I got beaned in the head by a small sack of Hershey Kisses. I initially jumped up to locate the culprit, but then decided to just sit back down and be content to eat them instead. It wasn’t until I had already eaten half of them that I noticed the little heart-shaped note taped on the back, reading “Happy Valentines Day!” Holy crap! I had completely forgotten! Here I am writing about Animal Crossing and missing out on the perfect opportunity for some holiday satire! Well, Animal Crossing will have to take the back burner and wait until Monday. There are bigger fish to fry today. Valentine’s Day. What a stupid idea. A holiday where couples can shower each other with gifts ostentatiously to make anyone around them that remains unattached feel sorely aware of their absence of a significant other more so than the other 364 days of the year. It’s not like couples need a special day for this. They do this every other day anyway. So why does this holiday even exist? Well, today, it’s what we call a “Hallmark Holiday”, just one more day for manufacturers and retail outlets to capitalize on by convincing us we need to spend all our money on things we don’t actually need. But let’s instead look at the origin of Valentines Day. The holiday is named after a Catholic Priest who lived in 3rd century Rome. The Emperor at the time, Claudius II, decided that single men make better soldiers than those with wives and children to worry about, and so decreed that young men were not allowed to marry. Valentine however continued to perform marriage ceremonies, and was eventually discovered and imprisoned. Then he and the jailer’s daughter supposedly fell in love, and he wrote her a love letter signed “From your Valentine” shortly before his beheading on February 14. He was then later declared a saint and February 14th a holiday. Embittered individuals could stop there and say that this holiday should then instead be about the beheading of lovers than a celebration of love, but I’m not finished yet. This holiday conveniently replaced another ancient Roman holiday, traditionally celebrated on February 15th, known as the Feast of the Lupercal. On the eve of this holiday in honor of the Roman god of fertility there was a tradition of drawing names, where the young men would draw the name of a young woman from a jar, and the two would become a couple for the following year. Ah, now I see that I’ve perked up the ears of all those despondent souls out there. And here is exactly what I propose. Let’s take this holiday back to it’s Roman origins. It would work out better for everyone. Rather than this holiday of exclusion, we could instead turn this day to the benefit of all. Everyone would have a significant other by the end of the day, Hallmark could still make cards to be used in the lottery drawing, and most other retailers would benefit as well, as now everyone would have a date to buy gifts for and no one would be sitting at home wallowing in pity instead of buying stuff they don’t need. It’s a scenario where everybody wins. Let’s return the Feast of Lupercal! Everybody write your congressman, let’s see if we can make it official.

COMMENTARY – DIGITAL NATURAL SELECTION

2003-02-13T10:52:00.000-06:00

I’ve never had a computer virus infect my system. Alright, in all fairness you could say that’s not hard to do when one hasn’t had a computer for a virus to infect for about two years, since the roof collapsed on it and buried it under the snow. Hey, didn’t I say that was a sore subject and to never bring it up again? Thanks a lot. Geez. But continuing on, I would like to add that none of my closest friends (who DO have computers) have ever been infected by any sort of virus either. We spend far more time online than the average computer user and do the same things everyone else does with their systems, yet we remain unscathed from the very same plague of viruses that take out countless users every day. How is this possible? It’s quite simple, really. Computer viruses, much like viruses in the real world, are a tool of natural selection. Natural selection is a way of weeding out the weak, sickly, and stupid. Imagine that in the real world, some disease or other infects a herd of animals, let’s say caribou for our example because caribou is a fun word to say. All of the caribou get sick, and the smaller, weaker caribou in the herd will die off quickly, while the bigger, stronger caribou will ultimately be able to fight off the disease and survive. These bigger, stronger caribou will then be able to continue reproduction, while the smaller, weaker caribou will no longer have the opportunity to do the same, being as they’re all dead. This way, the smaller, weaker caribou genes are weeded out of the herd, and the herd is ensured that only the bigger, stronger caribou genes will be passed on to future generations. So natural selection is a good thing. The same applies to the digital world. There are those who know how to actually use a computer, and then there are those who use AOL. What computer viruses do is weed out the people who have no place on the internet in the first place, and free up the bandwidth for those of us who do. Allow me to specify some of the more common forms of digital natural selection found on the internet, and how they are benefiting the internet community as a whole. Look out, Outlook: The vast majority of people fall victim to email viruses. This is because they’re stupid and open emails from people they don’t know with suspicious attachments while using Outlook with the preview pane active. Where are these people’s common sense? If you get a package in the mail when you weren’t expecting it, with no return address, and it’s leaking some sort of oil, smells funny, and ticks, do you just open it? You know you would. You’re just that type of idiot. Curiosity got the better of you. You were enticed by the email’s subject line on how to get rich quick working from home while enlarging your male organ with a bonus free lifetime supply of Echinacea, so you clicked on it. You clicked on it, and now your computer doesn’t work. Imagine that. The Virus Self Checkout: This one is probably my favorite. These are the people who think they’re cool and know what they’re doing because they figured out how to download, install, and even run a P2P networking program like Morpheus or Kazaa. They then start downloading all manner of files just because they can, probably not even knowing what half of them are, and are surprised when they get infected by a virus and are clueless as to how it could possibly have entered their system. What amazes me most about these type of people is no one is sending them a virus, they’re downloading it themselves. Some geeks out there think it’s funny to share a folder full of viruses on P2P networks, and then just sit back and laugh as they watch users connect and willingly download them to their own machines themselves. Here’s a quick general tip for you: If you’re downloading a program, game, or movie, and the file size shows less than 1MB and has the word “installer” in the filename, you’re a moron. SOL, AOL: AOL users are in a special category. Hackers are aware of the stupendously lower average IQ of AOL users as compared to any other ISP, so on top of falling victim to all of the above tricks, AOL subscribers are also the typical prey for credit card scams. This isn’t a virus per se, but in the context of natural selection, you can view these hackers as the predators picking out the weak and sickly. Here’s how a typical scam works. AOL Bob gets an email saying “Free porn! Click here!!!” Thinking that he’s special and not realizing that some spammer sent this same message to about everyone in the AOL directory, AOL Bob clicks on it and is taken to a dummy page created by our digital crook. This dummy site doesn’t actually even have any porn, and is nothing more than a form reading something about congratulations, you’re about to get free porn, but we need your credit card for age identification purposes only. So AOL Bob foolishly puts in his credit card information and clicks OK, and his life savings is sent straight to the crook, and AOL Bob doesn’t even get any porn out of it, because there never was any there to begin with. Now there’s a get rich quick scheme that works. Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood Watch: Broadband access is becoming quite prevalent nowadays. Who wouldn’t like a speedy fast always-on internet connection, right? Hackers certainly love for you to have it too. Most people just leave their computers on when they’re not using them, and don’t realize that with a broadband connection, that’s like leaving your front door wide open and hanging up a big neon sign saying “HACK ME”. While you’re at work and your computer is running idly at home, some hacker could be doing any number of things to your system, from dropping viruses onto your hard drive, or deleting, altering, or stealing your files, to completely taking over remote control of your system. He could then use your system to hack into another system, let’s say for example a bank, and then the FBI will trace it to YOU and come knocking on your door, while he makes off with the money. And now you’re in jail, because you left your computer on while you were at work. Too bad for you. That’s the basic rundown of internet idiocy and digital natural selection at work. If you have found yourself victim to any of these, especially more than once, do yourself and the rest of us a favor and sell your computer and get a typewriter, or a Mac.

News - Good news is no news

2003-02-11T15:05:00.000-06:00

Currently working on a new article aimed at all those poor guys with abusive girlfriends and/or wives, titled “How to piss off your chick obsessed with Animal Crossing”. However I feel I need to take my research home and verify it before actually posting it, so be looking for it later this week. So for filler space today I give you Dan’s Deep Thought of the Day: “Don't you hate it when you're lathering your hair when in the shower and all of a sudden the water temp changes on you? You freak out and feel so helpless cause what can you do? You're blinded by the blasted shampoo and that dang shower curtain is just waiting for your flailing body to run into it, become entangled in it, and make you fall to your twisted shampoo-y doom. Well SCREW THAT.” See what else goes on in the freakish mind of Dan.

Reviews – Gamecube – Gauntlet: Dark Legacy

2003-02-10T12:04:00.000-06:00

That’s right, I’m doing reviews now. Why? Because I have nothing better to do with my time than to complain about things I don’t like or to try to sell you on things that I think are cool, that’s why. I’ll be reviewing all manner of things in the future, but today’s victim is the Gamecube game “Gauntlet: Dark Legacy”. It’s actually a cross platform title and not a Gamecube exclusive, but I don’t have a PS2 or an Xbox, so it doesn’t really matter to me. Anyways, I have the hookup for free game rentals, so I’ll just grab whatever every now and then and play it, since hey, it’s not like I’m spending any hard earned money here. Last night I ended up walking out with Gauntlet. I walked it back this morning. My synopsis of the game in one sentence would have to be this: “Same old Gauntlet, but with new and improved homosexuality!” You have your same old character classes with the addition of a few new cheesy ones like the Jester, Knight, or Dwarf, a couple of combo moves to keep you entertained for maybe five minutes, but other than that, it’s the same old Gauntlet all over again. I’d say even if you loved the old Gauntlet, you’d tire of this game in under three levels. The graphics are nothing to get excited about either. It’s the same old thing, slightly better rendered. Most of the sound effects are even identical to the N64 Gauntlet. The storyline is identical as well, but that’s typically the last thing anyone who plays a hack and slash game like this thinks of anyway. It almost seems to me like they just polished up their old game to give it another go, with no further effort than that. The monotony alone of this nearly identical sequel would be enough to make you return it in under half an hour, but that wasn’t enough for the folks at Midway. They don’t want you to throw their game out for mere boredom, no, you must also feel some sense of outrage or disgust to accompany it. This is where the single most noticeable change they made to the game to set it apart from previous Gauntlets comes into play. It would appear that the only thing they made a major effort to change was the character movement. You no longer have just some plodding brutish warrior wildly swinging an axe around the battlefield. No, now your character has the addition of a flamboyant skip, or has a dumb wussy looking special attack, or cries like a girl in the heat of battle. The manliness that was the only thing that kept a guy playing this game in the first place is now gone. Big masculine brutes used to sit in front of the TV, clumsily holding controllers in their meaty fists for hours, playing Gauntlet with such phrases of joy and excitement as “Me beat monsters with axe!”, “Food is good!”, or “THUNDER HAMMER go BOOM!” This solitary motivation to play the game so you can beat the hell out of things like a man has been replaced with a bunch of pansies skipping around the acid fields like they’re going to a picnic. What the hell were they thinking? Obviously the folks at Midway have been watching way too much Nickelodeon to have that level of homosexuality permeate that vacuous emptiness between their ears where their brains should be. Not to mention, who plays hack and slash games anymore anyways? It was a dying breed on the last generation of consoles. Get with it and make a first person shooter Gauntlet already. And PLEASE, no Spongebob Warriorpants this time. Now for the ratings. I have created a set of standards by which to measure games on a 1-10 scale, and I will additionally throw in a variable attribute distinctive to something the particular game does outstandingly well or poorly in that doesn’t quite fit in one of the standard categories. I will then graphically display the scores using Klingon military rank symbols, just because I can. So without further ado:

Graphics: 3/10		Overall Score
Sound: 3/10
Gameplay: 2/10
Ingenuity: 1/10
Replay Value: 1/10
Flaming Homosexuality: 10/10		2/10

This game barely beats out any game with a pop singer or “Mary Kate and Ashley” in the title, and only because it has a history of masculinity, even though it was sorely destroyed with this title. Do not under any circumstances rent this game unless you have serious masochistic issues.

NEWS - Anybody seen my contacts?

2003-02-06T16:36:00.000-06:00

I put these neato little online status indicators under my contact info, so you can see what instant messengers I am logged into at this very moment! Cool, huh? The MSN one doesn't seem to be working correctly, but go figure, I can't get the messenger to work right at the moment either. Coincidence? New site of the day also, Windows RG, for "Really Good". Definitely worth a look. ;-)

COMMENTARY - Hypocritical Couch Patriots

2003-02-06T16:28:00.000-06:00

I don’t pretend to be even mildly interested in politics. I can’t handle the politics in my own office, much less concern myself with the affairs of the rest of the world. Ernest Benn once said “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.” I tend towards straightforward honesty, which unfortunately has no place in the world of politics, hence I just keep largely to myself. So does my outward lack of concern for the affairs of our nation, the world, and just people in general make me uncaring and unpatriotic? Hardly. Well… okay, perhaps uncaring, but I have enough problems of my own without having to worry about yours too. But what of patriotism? Does my generally detached stance on the state of the world around me make me unpatriotic as well? Maybe so, but then I put it to you that most of you are no more patriotic than I am. Let’s take a look at the definition of “patriotism” according to Webster: “Love of country; devotion to the welfare of one's country; the virtues and actions of a patriot; the passion which inspires one to serve one's country.” By this definition, we can identify several distinct levels of patriotism. There’s the red-blooded patriot, whose devotion to country is so strong that he is willing to put his life on the line in its service. Then you have the friendly neighborhood patriot, the individual who may not give his life in the service of his country, but at least finds what ways he can to make his country a better place, through volunteer work, donation of time and resources to worthy causes, and the like. Then there is the category of patriotism that most accurately describes the bulk of the American population, the couch patriot. This is the person who watches the US bomb the hell out of some country on the evening news and says, “Yeah, go America!”, while waiting for Friends or Seinfeld reruns to come on next. These are the people who pay the boy scouts to plant American flags in their front yard on patriotic holidays because they’re too lazy to do it themselves and likely don’t even possess an American flag of their own. They are the same type of people who only go to church twice a year, once for Christmas and once for Easter. I have no problems with the couch patriot, so long as one doesn’t come along and hypocritically accuse me of my lack of patriotism. Honestly, what have you done for your country? What makes you more patriotic than me? Just because you’re more vocal? According to Plato, “Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.” Talk is cheap. Want to show your patriotism? Do something. Buying a t-shirt or bumper sticker with the American flag on it doesn’t count, either. Any fool can sit in his living room and comment on the President’s State of the Union address, or Colin Powell’s testimony before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, but does that make you anything more than a couch patriot? I don’t think so. What I can’t stand even more than a hypocritical couch patriot though, is the flagrant capitalization on patriotism and terrorism. I remember the commercials after September 11, “Show your patriotism and buy our product, help keep America’s economy rolling”, and crap like that. It made me sick. Here we are in the wake of the most tragic act of terrorism our nation has ever witnessed, and all these businesses jump at the opportunity to exploit “patriotism” to make a quick buck. They should be ashamed. I believe that particularly over the past couple of years, the definition of patriotism has been horribly mutilated into something it is not. It has nothing to do with spending money on “American products”, which more than likely aren’t made in the US anyway. Pasting American flags all over your house, car, or body does not make you patriotic. Pretending you are concerned about current events in America that have absolutely no impact on you does not make you look patriotic. It just makes you look phony. The explosion of the space shuttle Columbia is a good example of this. The thing was built on 30-year old technology, patched together with decades old spare parts. Most people don’t even drive cars in that condition, and we’re strapping rockets to these things and launching them into space, expecting them to come back and land in one piece every time. Does anyone else see an accident waiting to happen? I will save the rest of my thoughts on America’s space program for another day, but what I’m getting at is why should I have to spend the entire week pretending I’m deeply impacted by an accident waiting to happen that finally did? Sure, I feel some sorrow for the astronauts that lost their lives, but every one of them knew the risks involved with their chosen occupation, and knew that a tragedy such as this was always a possibility with every mission. I didn’t actually know anyone on that shuttle, so honestly my emotions toward it end there. Yet somehow people feel they’re more patriotic if they appear more emotionally in touch with any major event in the public eye. Well, it doesn’t, so stop it. Unless you’re a pregnant woman or have some hormonal imbalance, you have no excuse. Patriotism is nothing more than an emotion, and it is felt differently and acted upon in different manners by different people. There’s no need to be phony about it, or be ashamed because your patriotism isn’t the same as your neighbor’s. Don’t let any marketing ploys aimed at your hard earned money or overly dramatic news broadcasts tell you how you have to display your patriotism. True patriotism can’t be given to you. Have your own sense of patriotism. Okay, this post turned entirely too serious, so in an effort to reverse that I’m going to close with a haiku about llamas. Majestic llama, adorned in thick purple fur, what an acid trip! And that’s all I have to say on that.

NEWS - Unionizing Monkeys

2003-02-05T11:11:00.000-06:00

Eh. Dismally little time to mess with this today. See, I don’t actually have a computer of my own at home (LONG story and a sore subject so please don’t bring it up again, thank you) so I mess with this solely from work. But occasionally my employer asks me to work at work, and today would be one of those unfortunate days. That’s the bad news. The good news is I’m playing musical cubicles today and will end up with a new job function even easier than my current one. I didn’t think this was physically possible, but they never cease to amaze me with the mindless tasks they can find for us to do in our little cubicle farm. They should train monkeys to do this. After the initial training, the primates would represent a significant reduction in payroll, the monkeys wouldn’t need benefits or insurance or pre-paid tuition, and there wouldn’t be a union to gripe all the time over trite and meaningless topics such as the dress code and what the official work time is. Well, unless the monkeys eventually unionized of course, but I wouldn’t expect them to do anything more than throw poop around the office until you zapped them with a tazer and gave them a banana, after which I’m sure they’d go back to work since all they probably wanted was a banana in the first place. So there you have it folks, the moral of the story is feed your monkeys bananas and they won’t unionize and throw poop at you. Wait, no, what was I talking about before? Oh crap. WORK. Right, gotta go.

NEWS - Don't look too hard...

2003-02-04T10:55:00.000-06:00

The search engine is up and it does work... but then again there's really nothing to search for yet since it's all on this one page still. Nevertheless, it is there, for future reference. It does put sponsor links at the top of your search results just as all the sellout search engines like Yahoo, Altavista, Lycos, and even Google now do. But hey, then again, it's a free service, what more do you want?

NEWS - Big Brother is watching

2003-02-04T09:16:00.000-06:00

I tacked on a free stat tracker to this page yesterday afternoon, hence the addition of a new annoying banner ad at the bottom of the page. I took a look at the traffic reports this morning, and as I suspected, no one can actually find this page. Why does Blogger even ask you when creating a blog whether you want your blog to be public or private, when you can’t find them either way anyway? After I touch up the somewhat sloppy code in the default site template, I’ll add some meta tags and see what I can do about getting myself in some search engines. It’s about maximizing the return value of my blog. I won’t be satisfied until I know that I have wasted the time of enough visitors to equal at least 100 times the amount of time I’ve put into actually writing in it. I’m also going to be implementing a new naming structure to all my blog entries to give a brief overview of it’s contents in the title, to aid in the use of the search engine I’m also going to try to stick on the site today. I don’t really need one right now, but for someone who hates blogs I sure update mine a lot, so I can see it becoming very useful in the near future. This of course will likely result in yet another banner ad, but hey, what do you want for free service? At least there aren’t any pop-ups. Stupid pop-ups. I hate them almost as much as I hate cats.

NEWS - Sites that don't suck

2003-02-03T11:02:00.000-06:00

In keeping with my delusion that my blog is somehow different from everyone else’s and actually has a religious following by a fanatic audience hanging on my every word, which in reality can’t possibly exist seeing as this blog hasn’t been up for more than, oh, two hours, I will be updating my recommended sites roughly daily with the Official Site of the Day. I will not always announce them and may just throw them onto the list with nary a word, so keep your eyes open. Regardless of whether I write a detailed post about it or not, if it is on my list you can be assured that it is a site worthy of bookmarking for yourself. Only the finest sites on the web make it onto my list. Each entry is carefully screened before acceptance by a panel of judges consisting of me... and... well, okay just me. But hey, at the least you can be sure it’s better than reading people’s lame blogs all day. I started the list off with three entries. If you’re a console gamer, you NEED to check out OverClocked Remix. Therein you will find over 3GB of MP3 remixes of all your favorite game theme tunes, dating back to good old 8-bit NES titles to current releases, and they ALL rock. (They DO actually screen their entries by a panel of judges. :-P ) Uh, just do them a favor, and don’t download the entire site in one night like I did and force them to pay for costly bandwidth overages. *irk* Then there is the Fantastically Adequate Hamster Republic... uh... you’ll just have to check that one out for yourself. Google was on the template I used for this blog by default, but I decided to leave it anyways. If you are using another search engine, you should desist and immediately switch to Google. I’ll spare you from me going off on a detailed explanation on why you should do so. Just trust me and at least give Google a try. You can come back and thank me later. ;-)

COMMENTARY - Blogs are dumb

2003-02-03T09:58:00.000-06:00

Blogs are dumb. For starters, what's with the name "blog"? Was "weblog" too long with the whole two extra letters? And if so, why not call it a "webl"? Okay, I suppose if you HAD to shorten "weblog" because you have some sort of aversion to words with two or more syllables, "blog" does sound better than "webl", but I still find the entire premise of abbreviating the word in the first place ridiculous. My other complaint about blogs is, who really cares what you have to say anyway? It's like a discussion board, minus the discussion. Most people probably stumble across your blog by mistake, spend about two minutes reading it out of nothing more than curiosity, and then most likely decide you're boring or an idiot, or possibly even both, and since it's a blog and not a discussion forum, they silently move on, leaving you to your delusion that people actually find your thoughts uplifting, enlightening, or entertaining in some fashion. This is why I find blogs ludicrous, and believe that all who operate such are fixed on some fallacy of their own self importance. What's that? Why do I have my own blog then? Shut up.