Sorry for not posting the other day, they sprung a fourth set of layoffs on us here yesterday. While it only hit about half a dozen people in our particular center, a chunk of the center support team got nailed by it, meaning I had to give up my temporary promotion and return once more to my position as payroll/supply room/mail room/clerk of all trades. Thank God. People have been apologizing to me all day, "Oh, heard about your demotion, that's too bad..." Ha. I knew it was bound to happen anyways, since they made a point to tell me my promotion was temporary to begin with. So I lose about $2/hr. Big deal. I now have a desk three times the size of yours, my work varies, and I'm not chained to my cubicle all day doing the same old boring thing over and over to meet some ridiculous standards. Misery is not worth an extra $2/hr to me. The only downside is my new desk is right outside the Big Cheese's office, meaning I will have to be increasingly careful with my web surfing habits at work. Risky, you say? Nah. After going through so many layoffs here, I have developed a set of rules by which employees are obviously selected for termination. Allow me to share them with you.
1. Don't make yourself invaluable. If you know too much, you might stick out of the crowd enough for someone higher up the corporate ladder to notice and promote you. The very thought of this threat is enough for your immediate supervisor to put your name on the chopping block. Also, some upper management may mistake someone referring to you as invaluable to mean "not valuable", which will also get you canned for sure. So stay with the pack. The tall grass is the first to get cut.
2. Cubicle geography. Do whatever it takes to get your desk in the most densely populated area of the office. When trying to meet required numbers for a corporate layoff, often times management will simply resort to removing people from areas that would make the office more aesthetically pleasing. This generally means just removing everyone from the sparsely populated areas of the building and leaving a core center. So stick close to the pack.
3. Don't be seen with noisy Union members. If you work in a facility represented by any sort of union, you know what I'm talking about. There are always those two or three outspoken individuals who have to cause a ruckus at every meeting and wave their little union flag around, and go about encouraging everyone to file grievances against their employer for anything and everything. Even though there is undoubtedly a clause in your union agreement somewhere protecting union members from being singled out in layoffs, you can be sure that these people will one way or another be getting the axe. Associate too closely with these people, and you too will likely be joining them.
4. Brown nosing is bad. If you are a peon employee, do NOT brown nose. This will not save you. It only makes your name easier to remember when the Angel of Death and Unemployment (times are tough, even he had to take a second job) sweeps through your office. If you're a peon, just stay low and do your work. The perfect place to be is the good employee whose name no one can remember. That way you aren't hit when they cut the slackers or when they just start picking names they know off the top of their heads.
5. Management cliques are good. The only time brown nosing works is if you're in a management position. Find the management clique in your office and find a way to get in it. If you are one of the hardworking managers who comes in early, stays late, works to the best of your ability, and doesn't have the time to socialize, you will certainly be out the door when layoffs come. You need to take a good hour or two out of your day and waste it on chattering with the other managers instead of working to ensure your position.
That's pretty much everything you need to know about not getting laid off. Do your work, but don't do it too well. If you're an outstanding employee, make sure to waste a few hours a day to fall back into the pack. You could use that time to surf the net and look for a new job, just in case I'm wrong...