COMMENTARY - Why Geeks Don't Need Drugs

and
The Epic Saga of a Tribal Warrior, Episode I
If one were asked to conjure up in their head the image of the quintessential geek, I feel it's safe to say that typical substance abuse does not generally come to mind. One does not think of a crackhead, pothead, acid tweaker, nor probably even an alcoholic, but rather some dumpy, disheveled guy staring at a monitor through his thick glasses, with piles of pizza boxes and Mountain Dew cans close at hand. Rather than argue this stereotype (come on, all you geeks know that at some point or another, you fit it...) I'll just continue on with my explanation as to why Geeks don't need such traditional drugs. Oh, they get their drugs alright, but just not as you know them. They're called "video games". Maybe you've heard of them. To a geek, they are just as addictive. They come in varying levels of potency, can result in good or bad trips, and can have just as wide an array of effects on the user, from loss of sleep, anxiety, obsessive behavior, spasms, to even violence and death, under extreme circumstances. At least if you believe the propaganda on FOX every time there's been a school shooting, anyways. Every true geek has at least one of these substances from which they need to get their fix. Most are somewhat casual users, who will restrict themselves to only a couple of drugs, and exhibit some semblance of control over their usage of their substances. While these individuals may seem normal enough during working hours, you can be assured that, once they have a free moment, they will be in front of that computer getting their fix. Just one drug isn't enough for some geeks though. They can soon develop a tolerance resulting from their constant usage of a particular substance, and soon have to move onto the newest and latest drug to keep their fix going, no matter what the cost. $50 and my soul up front, plus $15 a month for the rest of eternity? Sure, no problem, whatever it takes... These geek/junkies are usually fairly easy to identify, with their pasty white complexion, buggy eyes, frazzled hair, and the ever-present black t-shirt. That is to say, if you were to ever see one tear themselves away from their computer and step out into the light of day in the first place, which is a fairly rare occasion. (You may on occasion see them after dark on the weekend at your local laser tag arena though. This is what geek/junkies refer to as "exercise". They may possibly also be spotted at Magic: The Gathering tournaments, which they refer to as "socializing".) Denying a geek their fix is a bad idea. The geek will often suffer withdrawal symptoms, and will begin to exhibit aggressive behavior. Interrupting a geek in the midst of a hit is an even worse idea, and can potentially result in dismemberment of any individual standing between a geek and his drug. Geek "drug" abuse is in fact quite prevalent, and while not technically an illegal substance, it results in varying degrees of the same effects amongst its users and should be considered just as dangerous. Well, except for, no matter what way you put it, there's not much threatening about a dumpy, pasty-complexioned guy who's mousing hand accounts for 90% of his muscle matter... For the record, I myself am as guilty as any here, and have a serious geek drug obsession of my own. It's called Tribes. No, not Tribes 2, I'm talking old school. The original Tribes. I know over the last few weeks, I've been coming up with excuses as to why I haven't been posting, telling you that I've been busy settling in after my big move across the country, and that I've been busy looking for a new job. While these statements may be factual, it is also true that I've probably still managed to put in a good 100 hours of Tribes over the past two weeks. I spent three months (at work) doing nothing but tweaking my collection of scripts, skins, and mods for Tribes. I play obsessively every chance I get. In fact, I am now even going to start inflicting my latest Tribes gaming experiences on my readers, through dramatized recreations of my latest matches. There. That way you can't say I don't update my site often enough anymore. Well... until we get into our new apartment at the end of the week and I'm stuck back on dialup for a while anyways... TribbleHunter and the battle with "Junior" It was a slow night for war. The Hunter surveyed the board for the hottest battle spots at which he could offer his services, but the night seemed occupied only by mere minor skirmishes. Reluctant to turn away at such an early hour without even the faintest taste of blood, he found a sparsely populated location to bring his guns to bear. Landing with a thud, the Hunter set to work. He started with a simple construction of turrets to defend the home base and protect the flag, that worthless piece of fabric stuck on a pole that was for some reason the typical object and focus of the battle. But Trib quickly grew tired of waiting around for the action, and switched into offensive gear to go find the action for himself. Packing chameleon armor with a cloaking device, he was ready to infiltrate the enemy base undetected. At first, it was all too easy. Like a tumbleweed of razorwire, he silently slipped through the enemy base, shredding everything in his path. He swiped the enemy flag right out of their great hall, deftly blasting its two defenders with a well planted plastic explosive charge 2 seconds later. Homeward bound with the enemy's flag on his back, Trib scored one for the home team. And then another. And another. Two round trips later, TribbleHunter found himself on an empty server. The competition had surrendered and headed for home, and his teammates, also declaring victory, had also left, either for home themselves or in search of a more active battlefront. The Hunter was just ready to go look for battle elsewhere himself, when a new enemy warrior arrived on the scene. Somewhat bored with the lack of action, Trib decided to hang out anyway and mess with the guy. Sneaking into his opponent's base, he hacked into one of the enemy inventory stations and began deploying turrets. He chuckled to himself. There was nothing more annoying to an opponent than to be shot down in his own base by enemy offensive turrets. The sound of the Hunter's chuckle quickly turned to a gasp of horror as a large green mortar flew from around the corner and landed at his feet. As he and his cleverly laid defense were blasted to pieces, he heard his opponent scoff. "Offensive turreting? How junior." Respawning back in his own base, Trib shook off the blow. "Junior? How do you define Junior?" he bit back. "Lacking real skill", his adversary retorted. It was at this point Trib noticed the tag before his opponents name. A clanner. While Trib respected clan members for their skill, honed in a fierce competition environment, he was not one to let his solo style be outdone by some trash talking arrogant clanner. "Wanna see real skill then? Meet me for a duel!" the Hunter challenged. Trib had carefully honed his skills in the art of dueling, and while still not able to take on truly elite clanners, he could hold his own and come out on top in most matches. And arrogant clanners always took the bait of a challenge... "Nah, not my style", the clanner replied. TribbleHunter was shocked. Never had a clanner turned down a direct challenge before. He tried again. "What, so you're 'junior' at dueling then?" Surely that would get his attention. The clanner only replied with, "Not really, no." TribbleHunter had little time to sit in frustration over his opponent's lack of cooperation, for he suddenly found himself face to face with the clanner, now standing in his base. A short firefight ensued, and shortly after both warriors were respawning. Conversation ceased at that point, and all further talk was done with a gun barrel. But TribbleHunter was slipping. He had given the clanner the opportunity he needed to enter his base, and obviously being a base infiltration specialist for his clan, Trib was fighting a losing battle. They were fighting on the clanner's terms now. Through each skirmish, the Hunter watched as slowly, inch by inch, he lost more of his base, until he heard that dreaded sound: the clanner had his flag. TribbleHunter redoubled his efforts, and through several more bloody skirmishes managed to return his flag and secure it in the base once more. But the clanner was unrelenting, and soon the sound came again. Trib chased after the clanner, shooting wildly as he took off out the front entrance and jetted out across the sky towards the safety of his own base, carrying that worthless piece of cloth on a stick with him. All had been lost. As the clanner disappeared over the horizon, with flag in tow, the humiliated Hunter dropped his weapons in shame and left for home. He would ponder this. He would contemplate the error of his tactics, and he would be back. No clanner robs TribbleHunter of his honor! Oh yes, my friend, we will meet again...

NEWS - Site Update

Okay, starting to get back on the ball here. I finally changed over the commenting script to Haloscan from BlogOut, which has been out intermittently the past couple weeks, for those who may have noticed. So my small handfull of old comments are now lost forever. Oh well. I doubt Haloscan will crap out on me like that, so I shouldn't have this problem again. Also added a couple new buttons on the column to the left to allow for text resizing on my blog, for those of you who favor something other than 10 point font. Anyways, finding a new job has turned out to be not quite as easy as I expected. I do have a couple interviews tomorrow though, so hopefully things will settle down and get back to normal soon, and I'll be able to post more frequently again. I've been sitting on some good stuff to post too...

LINK - Japaneurysm

I love Japan. Many, many excellent and wonderful things have come out of that country that have enriched all of our lives. Well, at least mine, anyways. That said, this old video for Zelda on the Super Famicon is definitely not one of those shining moments. Cel shading Zelda with Windwaker was outrageous enough, but this video is something far more sinister. I am at a loss for words to describe my contempt at it's nearly sacrilegious portrayal of Zelda, yet at the same time it does have a catchy beat...

NEWS - Warped Core 2: The Wrath of TribbleHunter

If Kahn ever actually had any memorable lines that weren't already quoted from something else, I would put one of them here. Guess who's back? Yes, the tales of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Well, mostly anyways. I lost my job, and while I'm busy trying to file a grievance with the Union in regards to my obviously wrongful termination, I ended up finally moving across the country as I had been trying to do for the past couple years anyway. So I lost my crappy job, for which I might end up getting big bucks from them as a result, and family members paid most of my moving costs to get me out of that hellhole into a more pleasant climate. (To all you suckers still living in Arizona, HAHA, it's 75 degrees and breezy here today. Hope you're enjoying your triple digit temperatures and stagnant, dust-laden air. Oh, and all the fires. We get rain here, so we don't have that problem either.) So where's the downside to this? I can't think of any. Well, other than having to find another job, of course. I looked into retiring, but after buying that cheeseburger I discovered my funds had been noticeably depleted. So upon the revelation that, no matter what way you invest it, 50 cents is not enough to retire upon, I have come to the sad conclusion that I have no other choice but to find another job. Ah well. I can only hope that this one will bear somewhat less of a resemblance to the movie Office Space. At any rate, I'm back, my computer is built, and I have internet access now. That's all that really matters, right? I've got quite a collection of news articles and websites I'll get around to putting up shortly. Also thinking of changing my commenting script to HaloScan now that it's reopened. I'll lose all my old comments, but oh well. Not like anybody ever really uses it anyway. At any rate, I have returned, so be looking for new content again soon. Until then, witness further evidence that cats can ruin absolutely anything. *sigh* I hate cats...

COMMENTARY - The Pink Razor Conspiracy

Sorry it's been so long. I'm still awaiting internet access at home, plus they've finally caught on to me at work with the internet abuse, and I've been issued a semi-formal warning for the misconduct. While that certainly has a way of hampering my posting here, it by no means is going to stop me from providing fresh content to my growing audience of eight. So without further ado, the Pink Razor Conspiracy. Razors used to be a fairly generic and simple object. A cheap plastic stick with one sharp little blade on it. They came in varying colors, but in general were of a unisex model. They all had the same design, and aside from differing shades of plastic, they were otherwise identical. Then along came all these innovations in the area of severing hair follicles from your epidermis. They added more blades, a lubricating pad, and reusable handles with disposable blades. At first they marketed these new inventions mostly to men, but soon discovered that many women were buying them as well. Thus a new variation of the same blade was created specifically for women. So to recap, we went from one generic universal razor to two seemingly identical yet slightly different models varying on sex. Why bother? Why not continue to offer the same universal solution? Solely to make more money, of course. As I said, the two models have slight differences between them. Namely, the women's model lasts longer than the men's model. This forces men to go out and spend more money on new razors with greater frequency, thus making the company more money. So having figured this out, why wouldn't a man just use the woman's razor? Simple. It's pink. No self respecting man would ever shave with some curvy handled pink razor with a name like "Venus". He needs a manly razor, in manly silvers, blacks, and blues, with a manly name, like "Mach 3". Now that's a manly razor. I'm sure all the chicks in the marketing department for Gillette are laughing all the way to the bank.

COMMENTARY - Not enough anti?

It has come to my attention that for an anti-weblog weblog, I don't gripe about weblogs enough. Allow me to remedy that. I had thought about creating an additional list to accompany my list of blogs that don't suck, to encompass the most dreadful, appalling, ghastly, horrific, and otherwise mind numbingly stupid weblogs to be found on the internet. But the problem is, there are just so many of them, and sorting out the absolute worst of them was enough to give me an aneurysm. Besides, the last thing I want to do for a crappy blog is give them a link. So here's a ranting post instead. I have determined that the big problem with weblogs is actually due to their ease of use. Since any idiot can set one up with no more effort than filling out a form and selecting a template, their is no sort of natural selection involved to weed out the marginally literate or the chronically stupid, to prevent them from spreading their incomprehensible idiocy across the internet. Their first week of posting usually resembles something like "test", "testing", "still testing", "First post!", "Hello?", "Is anybody out there?", and "Does this thing work?", after which their seemingly boundless intellect dries up like dog crap on the sidewalk under the summer sun, leaving them with nothing further to say. But they won't let a little thing like content stop them from posting. That's when they start using not only a template for their site, but templates for their posts as well, with stupid lists and quizzes and surveys and horoscopes and little questionnaires that determine which pop singer or movie star your personality supposedly most closely matches. Wow. That's almost as much fun as watching these webcams. Honestly folks, if you don't have anything to say and you are only going to post the exact same thing as every other clueless idiot with a weblog, why bother at all? What's the point of having a site to share your thoughts and creativity when you don't have any of either? You're a pothole on the information superhighway. You are only getting in everybody's way and eventually someone is just going to pave you over.

COMMENTARY - They just don't write children's books like they used to...

I wish this were a joke and I could take credit for some humorous Photoshop work, but sadly enough this book was actually published. Click on the picture if you don't believe me. It's actually rather old, and finding copies to purchase are becoming thankfully scarce, but like any instance of true idiocy, it is nevertheless timeless. What was the author thinking? More importantly, how did a title like that slip by the editors? And would you really want to tell your friends, family, and neighbors that your child learned to cook by Cooking with Pooh? Even children's book aren't safe for children any longer...

REVIEW: Adventures in Geekland - Alternative Operating Systems for the Masses

Due to the extremely technical topic of this post, I have created two versions of this same article. The one below is for the less technically inclined and the lazy bastards. The version found here is my technical paper, available for anyone who might be interested in undertaking a similar endeavor in booting multiple operating systems.
Everybody likes the word "free". But there's usually a catch. The old adage "you get what you pay for" generally holds true, and PC operating systems have been no exception to this rule. Until now. Linux has been a rapidly growing force in the geek community for decades. It's an open source system, meaning anyone with the proper knowledge can essentially take the hood off the engine and play around inside, altering it however they like. This availability to the inner workings of the operating system is also the source of its development, where geeks with their spare time have contributed improvements and additions to it over the years. The positive results of this gradual development from sources worldwide is self evident. Linux is one of the most stable operating systems to be found today, has a wide range of programs, and is still free to the public. There have been, however, some negative effects as a result of open source development as well. Many different versions of Linux have resulted, making it difficult for the consumer to discern any difference between them and determine which one best suits their needs. Also, without a large staff of highly paid programmers like some other software company we all know, development has been fairly slow for Linux. Windows software does not run natively under Linux either, so it requires a bit of a transition to learn their Linux alternatives. Many programs, like most games for example, just aren't available on Linux at all, which can make switching to a solely Linux-based system tough for many users. Until recently Linux was also very difficult for the average user to install, but thankfully many of the more popular versions have overcome this hurdle now.
So here I am, with my new computer and still without internet. So I got bored and decided to see how many operating systems I could install on one hard drive. I had a friend download a few of the more popular Linux distributions and bring them over, and I went to work. I ended up tinkering with five different operating systems altogether. From Microsoft we have Windows 98SE and Windows 2000 Pro, in the Linux camp is Red Hat and Mandrake, and then there's the redheaded Unix stepchild, FreeBSD.
I'll spare you all the exciting details of my multi-booting adventure. If you really want to know, read my full technical article on how I did it here. I will limit the remainder of this post to only a review of these operating systems.
FreeBSD. This is the type of installation nightmare that gives Linux/Unix a bad name. The menus aren't user friendly, it doesn't walk you through any real installation sequence, forcing you to guess what to do next, and partitioning the drives from within the installer is like reading an alien language. Twice I tried to install it, and twice I mucked it up. I never did actually get it running. This one is definitely for the more hardcore experienced Unix geek who likes to memorize the exact geometry of his hard drives and can write his own partition tables by start and end sectors by hand. It sounds like a joke, but sadly enough I'm dead serious...
Mandrake 9.0. A breeze to install. It booted right off the CD, brought up a beautiful graphical interface, and walked you through the installation simple as that. The installation was well documented, and you could find help for any feature you might be looking at, right while you were installing it. It comes with tons of bells and whistles and all sorts of little programs and utilities, many of which one could easily question their practicality or usefulness. Two of my favorites are the Tea Cooker, and the googly eye thing. Yes, the Tea Cooker. It puts an icon in your task bar. You click on it, and tell it what kind of tea you are making. It then counts down the appropriate amount of time to allow that tea to brew, and then pops up with a dialog box saying "Your tea is now ready." Yessir, you can't get that kind of quality software on Windows. Then the googly eyes... it... puts googly eyes on your desktop. The eyes just follow your mouse pointer, looking at it wherever it goes. Definitely a necessity. Everyone should have googly eyes on their desktop. Aside from some rather ridiculous extras, this OS is no joke though. I'd definitely recommend Mandrake as the Linux distribution of choice if you're the type of person who likes to tinker with all the little settings and configuration options on your system.
Red Hat 8.0. The installation experience was very similar to Mandrake. It booted right off the CD, had a nice graphical interface, and also offered loads of help on installation options. For some reason I found the Mandrake install slightly easier to work with, although this is just a personal perference. Both were remarkably easy to install. In use, Red Hat had a somewhat more professional feel to it. This is not to say it ran better than Mandrake, just that the overall appearance felt cleaner, simpler, and better organized, with less menus and options to confuse you with. If you're looking for a serious, no-nonsense replacement to Windows, then Red Hat is for you.
In use, both distributions bare an initial resemblence to Windows. However, one will quickly find that there are numerous differences. Thankfully, Linux is very well documented, and you can find detailed help on virtually every aspect of the operating system within its own help files. Linux is also very stable and secure, and under an average user account there is little fear of the user messing up the system or altering it irreparably while experimenting.
So who should consider Linux, and why? Honestly, I think these two distributions have shown that, without a doubt, Linux is ready for the masses. They are easy to install, and run far more stable than Windows. They provide much of the same functionality for most common computer tasks, such as office applications, and you can't beat the cost of FREE. Yet, transitioning to a new operating system is a big step for most home users. If they buy a new computer and it already has Windows installed, why bother even messing with something else? It would be nice to see more PC manufacturers ship computers with Linux, or even PC's that dual boot with Windows and Linux, but Microsoft has a vice grip on the industry, chaining most household PC manufacturers to contractual obligations forbidding them from such activity. As a result, the average home user will not bother with Linux. Where Linux can and is really making inroads in is with businesses. What better way to cut costs than to switch to a free operating system and tell Microsoft where they can stick their corporate liscences? You save money and improve stability at the same time, it's a win-win situation. And corporations are where the money is really at anyway, so it is really a bigger threat to Microsoft here than on the home PC. I can see Linux continuing to gain ground with businesses and geeks alike. It has developed enough of a following to make Microsoft worry, and worry they should. However, due to the lack of compatibility with Windows software in Linux, Microsoft's iron grip on the market, and the general laziness and lack of technical knowledge of the general public, I think it will still be some time before it's a real contender for Microsoft on the household desktop PC.

Review - Dew or Die!

Mountain Dew versus tap water. It's a debate far more serious than you might expect. I'm going to do a little analysis here comparing tap water to Mountain Dew to determine which, in fact, is better for you. My inspiration was this annual water quality report I received in the mail from the City Utilities Department today. Allow me to detail some of my favorite excerpts.
"The City can experience seasonal taste and odor problems associated with the drinking water... The primary causes are Geosmin and Methylisoborneol (MIB), non-harmful, naturally occurring compounds associated with algae growth in lakes and canals." Yum. Thanks, but if I wanted to drink algae, I'd stick my head in my fish tank.
Then we get into the section on "Possible Contaminants", which apparently algae wasn't considered as one, having it's own separate section elsewhere on the report. "Drinking water may reasonably be expected to contain at least small amounts of some contaminants... As water travels over the surface of the land or through the ground, it dissolves naturally occurring minerals and, in some cases radioactive material, and can pick up substances resulting from the presence of animals or from human activity. Contaminants that may be present in source water include:
Microbial contaminants, such as viruses and bacteria that may come from sewage treatment plants, septic systems, agricultural livestock operations, and wildlife.
Inorganic contaminants, such as salts and metals, which can be naturally occurring or result from urban storm water runoff, industrial or domestic wastewater discharges, oil and gas production, mining, or farming.
Pesticides and herbicides, which may come from a variety of sources such as agriculture, urban storm water runoff, and residential uses.
Organic Chemical Contaminants, including synthetic and volatile organic chemicals, which are by-products of industrial processes and petroleum production, and can also come from gas stations, urban storm water runoff, and septic systems.
Radioactive contaminants, which can be naturally occurring or be the result of oil and gas production and mining activities.
Wow. So theoretically, at any given time I could be drinking small portions of a radioactive dung beetle that fell victim to a roach bait trap, which then rolled into leaky gas station sewer with some runoff during an acid rain storm. But that's not all. The water quality data table also indicated traces of the following: arsenic, asbestos, barium, calcium, chromium, copper, lead, nickel, radium, and selenium, just to name a few of the more easy to pronounce ones. While these are all reported as within FDA regulatory levels, I hardly feel that consumption of these substances at any level on a regular basis can be good for you.
Conversely, here are the contents of a can of Mountain Dew: Carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup and/or sugar, concentrated orange juice and other natural flavors, citric acid, sodium benzoate (preserves freshness), caffeine, sodium citrate, gum arabic, yellow 5, erythorbic acid (preserves freshness), calcium disodium EDTA (to protect flavor) and brominated vegetable oil. I think the comparison speaks for itself. However, since I know half of you people who visit my site crumble under my seemingly inexhaustible verbosity and can never actually finish reading my posts, here's a chart for you lazy bastards.

VS.

	Water	Mt. Dew
Algae growth	Y	N
Arsenic	Y	N
Asbestos	Y	N
Fecal waste (crap)	Y	N
Microbial floaty things	Y	N
Radioactive waste	Y	?
Various poisons	Y	N
Various metals	Y	N
Good for fish to swim in	Y	N
Bubbly carbonation	N	Y
Caffeine	N	Y
Sugar	N	Y
It looks cool	N	Y
It's supposed to be yellow	N	Y

There you have it, irrefutable evidence that Mountain Dew is better for you than water. So stay away from that tap, rush down to your local grocery or convenience store, and load up on the caffienated yellow goodness that is Mt. Dew. This has been a public service announcement.

REVIEW - Lost, but not forgotten: A gaming past revisited.

That's right, my computer is finally built! There is however an unfortunate problem with the cable lines in my neighborhood preventing me from attaining internet access at the moment, so I have had some time to dust off some old gear and relive some old memories. We're not talking ancient history here, but definitely of things from which most gamers have moved on to newer and "better" things. Alright, so what am I talking about already? Descent 3, and the PantherXL.
I have followed Decent since it's inception. Not quite a first person shooter, yet not quite a flight sim either, the series sits in a unique category all to its own. I have yet to find another game that equals the feeling of getting lost in a 360 degree maze, as Descent does so well. This third installation of the series is by far and away the best, a culmination of everything that made the previous two great, with all manners of new features as well. This episode takes the fight above ground, and while many of the levels are still of the same mineshaft mayhem that gave so many gamers vertigo in the first two games, there are numerous levels that now have you fighting out under the beautiful open sky. The game is several years old now, but the time and effort put into its creation still shines through. The game scenery and graphics are beautiful and even the animated cutscenes are still of good quality, even by many of today's game standards. This game also by far has my favorite opening sequence to any game ever, with a cinematic quality so strong it feels more like the beginning of a movie than a game. The opening theme song during this sequence is breathtaking, and the soundtrack in general is quite excellent as well. The sound effects are also superb. It still holds on to many of the sounds that greeted gamers in the series' first installment, providing some updates on them, with many new effects added as well. The game picks up right where Descent 2 left off, and you are now seeking revenge against the very man that employed you in the previous games, after his attempt to have you killed. Descent 3 has a much stronger plot than its predecessors, and is aided by the animation sequences between levels. Where previously the goal to each level was nothing more than blowing up a reactor somewhere, each mission now has clearly defined and varying objectives, progressing you through an actual storyline (what a concept). The controls, as always, are stellar. They are extremely customizable to practically any joystick, keyboard, mouse, or any combination thereof. In fact, you almost need all three to play this game well. Maintaining constant control over three different axes is no simple task without a joystick. If you were to play a match online (assuming anyone still does play it online), it becomes immediately evident who has the control of a joystick and who is a "keyboard lamer". Descent 3 has evolved elegantly from it's ancestors into a game that holds true to its origins yet has adapted to a more modern gaming style, look, and feel. Yet somehow, the game still flopped. Perhaps 360 degree disorientation just isn't what the general public looks for in a game. The game failed so miserably in fact, that no one even dares to pick it up again for a Descent 4 sequel, which is really quite unfortunate. I truly hope that one day, someone will decide to pick up this series again, dust it off, and give it another run. But in the meantime, Descent 3 still has some gas left in it.
In an analogous predicament, is the MadCatz PantherXL. A device that is similarly unique in the game controller world, it resembles a joystick and a trackball half melded together into one giant conglomeration of the two. I admit I was skeptical of the beast in the beginning myself, but it only takes a short while to get used to it, and I have found that it provides an unequaled level of control in first person shooters and flight sims alike. My only complaint is the miniscule excuse for a throttle control. On a monstrosity that big there is surely plenty of room to stick a respectably sized throttle, yet they tossed in this tiny little piece of plastic instead, almost as an afterthought. That one caveat aside, it is one of the finest gaming peripherals I have ever laid hands on, with its solid construction, lots of buttons, and unique design. Too bad they don't make them anymore. MadCatz has long since dropped out of the PC peripheral business to focus solely on the console gaming market, and thus the PantherXL has sadly dropped out of production. The controller hasn't even had official support since Windows 98, but luckily I managed to dig up some Windows 2000 drivers for it off the internet. While I now have it running flawlessly with Descent 3, several other titles I have tried will not even recognize the controller. I am uncertain whether this is an issue with the drivers I downloaded or the games I am trying to play with it, but either way, support for this controller is definitely dying out. And so yet another brilliant and unique gaming product fades away into history and memory.
With the overabundance of new games devoid of creativity or ingenuity, sometimes it's good to look back and remember the landmarks in one's gaming history and recall a time when game designs that are now cliche were once clever and new. While I know it is now virtually impossible to get your hands on a PantherXL, I would still recommend Descent 3 to anybody with a decent joystick of any kind, as there are still copies of the game floating around that can be had for under $15.

Graphics: 8/10 OVERALL Sound: 9/10 Gameplay: 8/10 Ingenuity: 9/10 Replay Value: 8/10 Violent Vertigo Vomiting: 10/10 9/10

Construction: 9/10 OVERALL Accuracy: 10/10 Comfort: 9/10 Installation: 5/10 Support: 3/10 A useful trackball!: 10/10 8/10

NEWS - PETA, hamburgers, and a barbecue.

Just when you think PETA can't possibly do anything even more idiotic than they already have, they always come up with a new way to surprise you. Today in fact, we have two. First up, PETA president Ingrid Newkirk has drawn up a will stating a list of abominable and atrocious acts that are to be committed with her remains upon her death. These feats of idiocy include barbecuing her flesh, using her skin to make leather products, turning her feet into umbrella stands, and as a personal request she wants her heart buried near the Ferrari pits at the Hockenheim Formula One racing circuit in Germany. Oh, she says it's not totally selfish, because Michael Schumacher once actually signed a letter for PETA against experiments on monkeys, right, of course. I'm sure he really wants your heart in his Ferrari pit as a thank you memento. Anyway my question is, what exactly does she hope to accomplish with all this? The only thing I can think of is publicity for PETA. I cannot see my life being strongly affected by some nutcase having some bizarre instructions carried out with her carcass. In fact, these acts are so outlandish they only distract from the message they are attempting to convey. "We hope it will start a trend," Newkirk said. Sure, I'll hop on the bandwagon. I'm going to write in my will that when I die, my ass is to be mounted on a plaque and delivered to PETA's headquarters, with an engraving reading "May the moon forever shine upon all your endeavors." Oooh, I feel so trendy.
As long as we're on the topic of PETA and barbecuing, they have also approached the city of Hamburg, NY with the request to rename their town to Veggieburg. The offer was immediately declined, in spite of PETA's "generous" offer to donate $15,000 worth of veggieburgers to the city's schools. I'm sure the kiddies would have loved that. This is not the first time PETA has sought for a New York town to change it's name and forsake it's history and heritage for the ridiculous purpose of a avoiding conjuring up images of animal abuse at their mention. Before confronting the birthplace of the hamburger, it was Fishkill in 1996, a town of Dutch heritage, where "kill" is the Dutch word for "stream". Again, instead of walking away wanting a veggieburger as PETA would hope, I instead come out of this story with a new appreciation for Hamburg's heritage, and craving a nice big juicy cheeseburger. Looks like you botched up another one, PETA.
When will PETA learn that negative attention does not equate to good attention?

NEWS - A tribute to Florida schools

A Florida high school teacher failed the math portion of the state teacher's certification six times. Not like she can count that high anyway. They're threatening to take her job away if she can't manage to pass it on the seventh try. Thinking like a Floridiot, I can see where they would say, hey, what's it matter? She's an English teacher. But you'd think even a Floridiot would appoint someone else who can perhaps count as the secretary-treasurer of their Teacher's Association...

COMMENTARY - MMORPG's: The final nail in the Geek's social coffin

FACT: Geeks usually suffer from a serious lack of a social life. FICTION: Playing games online is the best way for geeks to correct this inadequacy. For those not familiar with the lingo, MMORPG stands for Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. It's a perpetual online fantasy world, a game that never ends. These games are beginning to come in a variety of flavors, from fantasy to sci-fi to reality based worlds, from role playing to first person shooter styles. It is my belief that games of this nature will single-handedly destroy the geek's hope of ever becoming accepted in the real world. To the geek, it seems like the perfect solution. A way to interact and have fun with members of the outside world, without having to go to the trouble of leaving their house. Wrong. All you are in fact doing is socializing with other geeks who also think this is the perfect solution to their social shortcomings. Like lobsters in a tank, they only keep pulling each other back to the bottom. Then the addiction sets in. Soon this fantasy world becomes more real to them than the real world. They play the game with every spare moment of their life, and when they're not actually playing it, they talk about playing it. They start speaking a different language, using some absurd vernacular that has evolved out of their fantasy world. They then cease to socialize with what friends they had in the real world that don't play the game as well, as they are incapable of communicating with them in this new dialect which has become their common tongue. Now not only have their chance at gaining a social life diminished, but they are also destroying what connections they had with the real world to begin with. Then there's the money sinkhole. This is assuming you haven't quit your job or even had one to begin with, of course. You are shelling out a monthly fee to play these games. Not too big of a deal if you have a decent job, but if you're already working for low pay or not working at all, this is the difference between your own studio apartment and moving back into your parent's basement. It's kinda hard to get a date when you don't have any money to pay for dinner, not to mention it's difficult to seat two on your bicycle, and you can't exactly take her back to your place and expect any privacy with your parents there. Let's recap. MMORPG's take up all of your free time, limit your social interactions to only those that are also familiar with it, and rob you of all your money. So there you have it. MMORPG's have all of the effects of a woman on a man, without any of the real benefits. Do yourself a favor. Ditch the game, get out into the real world, and find yourself a girlfriend. While you'll be in the same predicament, at least you'll be getting more out of it in return.

NEWS - Now back to monkey business

Now that all this backend work with the site is done, we can get back to important current events in the news. Yesterday, being Earth Day, Jane Goodall spoke against deforestation at the State Department. "Whoo whoo whoo oogh oogh oogh oogh oogh oogh oogh oogh ooh ooh oooh oooh," Goodall stated before the crowd. Well met, Jane, couldn't have said better myself.

NEWS - More Site Updates

Syn is in, Hot or Not is out. You may have noticed my site loading insanely slowly over the past week or so. Apparently Blog Hot or Not is out cold. You may remember I had that little script linked from their site showing my current rating on their service. Since their site apparently no longer exists, the script obviously wouldn't load, thus causing the whole table it was in to stall until the script timed out before displaying anything, hence my ridiculous load time. I don't know if or when it's coming back, and frankly I don't care. It's gone now. While I was at it, I also reversed the order in which my page loads, so my content on the right should appear first, followed by the links on the left. You may have also noticed my new XML button as well. That's right, I now have my own RSS feed. Maintained the good old fashioned way, entirely by hand. It's hard to automate RSS generation on a free service like Blogger, and even if I could I think I'd still favor the anal retentive level of control provided by writing it by hand anyways. Anyways, that's it for site updates. I think things are looking pretty good now. Time to focus on actually posting again. In other good news, the last missing parts to my PC are shipping and should be here by tomorrow. I may be able to post from home as early as this weekend. Of course I'll probably be too busy playing Tribes again, but that's beside the point...

REVIEW - MOVIE - "Chicago", aka "Our movie sucks! Quick, take your clothes off."

As a general rule, movies that the critics hold in high regard are the very films I absolutely despise, and the films I really love are the same movies the critics loathe. There is, however, that rare gem of a film on which we can both agree upon. This movie was not one of them. This poor excuse for a musical was really nothing more than 30 minutes of weak plot loosely tied together with the sudden and frequent interjection of similar musical numbers only roughly relating to the current scene in the sub par storyline. One should have a strong case to sue for mental whiplash after watching this film, with it's abrupt stops and starts from storyline to song number and back again. Don't get me wrong, I love a good musical. While good ones have been few and far between the past couple decades, they are still one of my favorite types of movies (behind a good bloody action film, of course). I was thrilled with Moulin Rouge, although I won't deny being skeptical to the point of completely missing the film while it was in theaters. It had been such a long, long time since Hollywood had produced a good musical, I was absolutely certain the film was going to be dreadful. Yet I was very pleasantly surprised when I finally did watch it when it came out on video. It is off the steam of its success that I even bothered to see Chicago in the theaters, to which I am now sorely disappointed that I wasted $8 and two hours of my time. Simply put, Chicago completely lacks the proper formula to even be considered a musical by my definition. A musical should have smooth transitions into and out of musical numbers, as I have already stated Chicago painfully lacks. It should seem a surreal world, where it appears perfectly natural for everyone to spontaneously bust into well choreographed song and dance for five minutes and then return to their daily lives as though this was their normal routine. Also, musicals are not solely about the big song and dance numbers. There should be some solos or duets interspersed as well, perhaps some with no dancing at all. I understand why they largely neglected to do this with Chicago however, seeing the general lack of real vocal talent in the cast. Lastly, the musical numbers in a musical should be part of the plot, not a break from it. Perhaps Chicago took too much of an influence from MTV, with the majority of it's musical numbers being nothing more than some flashy nonsense and half naked women. If it weren't for the clever camera work focusing solely on the bare parts of the female dancers through the majority of the film, the audience might have been more aware of the many, many other things the movie totally lacks. I was extremely disappointed with the casting in particular. Catherine Zeta-Jones, the only actor in the film who showed any real singing talent, was shafted with only a couple of songs to herself. Meanwhile the absolutely talentless Renee Zellweger, who ironically enough portrays a young woman who can't break into the entertainment industry because she's a crappy singer and dancer, unfortunately gets the majority of the spotlight. While I didn't think much of Richard Gere's performance either, he did at least have the two most entertaining numbers in the film, the only moments of true inspiration in the whole movie, with the marionette news reporters and the courtroom tap dance scenes. There was also a total lack of diversity in the movie's musical themes. All the songs were of nearly identical style and while musically quite good (minus Zellweger's voice), the film definitely needed a broader range of styles. All in all, this is more what I expected from Hollywood for a modern musical. A piece of crap. It's unfortunate to think that movies like Moulin Rouge will likely become the exception, not the rule, when looking at modern musicals moving forward. It simply takes too much time, money, and effort to make them, and the standard requiring all actors to be able to sing and dance no longer exists, making even finding the talent for such a film far more difficult. I should've just followed my first instinct and saw Bulletproof Monk instead...

COMMENTARY - Golf spelled backwards is Flog

I dislike sports in general. I think they're dumb. But I don't really have problems with most sports. The jocks can go about doing their athletic thing and people like myself can continue being perfectly content ignoring them. There is, however, one "sport" to which I am morally opposed. Golf. What kind of sport is golf? Any other sport can easily contain itself in it's own field or arena. But no, that's not good enough for golf. It has to span miles to be satisfied. What's more, the entirety of that massive acreage it hordes has to be green. Even if the course is in the middle of an arid desert, these idiots waste millions of gallons of water on grass so they can smack a tiny little ball as far as they can on it. To make this abominable use of property even more wasteful, only one person can actually use a specified chunk of it at any given time. Forget about teams, when someone's about to get their whack at their ball, you better leave them alone. They will tolerate other idiot golfers standing around and respectfully watching, but if you are not a member of their precious little club and they spot you on their turf sans the requisite percentage of plaid in your ensemble, you'll be in for some trouble. It's the only sport I can think of that doesn't like spectators. Also, when I think of sports, I think of physical activity. All there is to golf is swinging a club every so often. Most golfers are such lazy bastards they can't even walk to their ball after they hit it, they have to ride a damn cart. Imagine if they did that in other sports, baseball for example. The batter hits the ball out into left field, hops in his cart, and guns it for first base at 5mph. Ridiculous. A sport that involves no physical activity, no teams, no audience, and takes up miles of space. Does anybody else see something wrong with this? Of course, I have several suggestions on how to improve the sport. By combining elements of golf with football and NASCAR, we can have a sport to be enjoyed by everyone. First, start out with two teams. Large teams. They will start on opposing sides of the course. The object of the game is to get your golferbacks to the designated tee zones and hit a ball into one of the opposing team's nine holes. The first team to sink all nine opposing goals wins. The sport will involve lots of full-contact roughness, souped up golf carts going 60mph+, and haphazard projectiles. All the things that make sports entertaining. Screw this pansy golf crap.

NEWS - Site Update

Well, there you go. The new look is up. Much better, eh? I'll customize the commenting script and the search engine and stuff in the next day or two to match, but don't have time right now. Well, drop a note on what you think, or vote in the new poll for the new look. That's it for now.

NEWS - Site Update

According to the recent poll results, 50% of you voted that you would definitely like to see a commenting feature added to my site so you could share your opinions on my opinions. There were no votes against such a feature, however there was an unfortunate 16.7% who opted for "What do I care? Not like I'm coming back to this site again...", to whom I can safely say go rot in hell, since they're not going to be coming back this way to defend themselves anyways. The remaining 33.3% of the votes were interesting enough cast in favor of "Inane isn't a word. You must have misspelled insane." To those individuals, I would like to briefly direct you to Dictionary.com, thank you very much. So without further ado, your commenting script. Simply click on "Hailing Frequencies Opened" at the end of any post and put in your two cents. Then as long as you're being so generous, feel free to toss another two cents at my paypal link. ;-) Oh, and since the overwhelming majority finds my halfassed color scheme hideous, I'll be reworking that today too. I probably won't have time for a substantial post then, so I'll just leave you with another case of Floridiocy, with a sixth grader getting arrested for stomping in a puddle.

NEWS - Speaking of PETA...

Even Al-Jazeera doesn't like PETA.

NEWS - Floridiot's Guide to Shoplifting

Attention all small-time criminals hailing from the Sunshine State, please listen carefully! Next time you plan to go out shopping at the five finger discount, be sure to leave your child at home. Also be especially careful that you do not leave behind your infant and diaper bag with enough personal identification in it for you to be tracked down and incarcerated for the additional charge of child neglect on top of shoplifting as you flee the scene of the crime without them. All that for a DVD player...

NEWS - What to do with 30,000 sickly chickens and a couple of wood chippers

Q. What did one old retired hen say to the other? A. My, don't you look chipper today! Today's feature news story is about as good as they get. A pair of California poultry farmers found themselves with 30,000 unproductive chickens. The hens could no longer lay eggs, and due to a quarantine on the entire county for a poultry virus, they were unable to send the useless birds to a "kill facility" in the northern part of the state to be "properly" disposed of. They sought the consultation of the USDA on the matter, where a senior veterinarian apparently gave them the OK to use the wood chippers to dispose of the birds themselves. The Humane Society obviously threw a fit. The District Attorney's Office however concluded that the charges of animal cruelty would have to be dropped, as the farmers had sought advice from officials first before acting, although they very well may have been ill advised. Our favorite animal rights organization, PETA, is strangely absent from the scene. Perhaps because we're at least not eating the chickens? Anyways, what I find utterly ridiculous about this is, one way or another these chickens are going to die. What does it matter if it's in a wood chipper? Here's a short list of "approved" methods for murdering the birds: Carbon dioxide, gunshot, a projectile through the brain, or breaking their necks. What makes any of these methods any better? Any way you look at it, the chickens are dead. I'd imagine a wood chipper would provide a similar experience of nearly instantaneous death. Plus, you can kill more of them faster, so it's far more efficient than breaking their necks one by one. Are these animal rights activists worried about the chickens dying in pain? Personally, I can't fathom why anybody would be concerned with the electrical impulses from a bird's primitive nervous system to it's pea-sized brain. But if I were, then I think I'd also have issues with some of the "approved" methods too, like blasting them with a shotgun. Yet I don't hear any complaints about that one. I don't hear of any protests outside these "kill facilities". Well, short of PETA making the ridiculous comparison to Nazi death camps. The whole thing doesn't make sense to me. I think I'm gonna go to lunch and ponder this topic over a bucket of KFC.

COMMENTARY - Tech Support

I hate working on archaic PC's. Being an obvious geek at work gets me a lot of people asking to fix their crappy computers. For some reason I always say yes. Perhaps I think I'll enjoy the challenge. Perhaps I figure this piece of crap will be different than all the other pieces of crap and actually work correctly. Whatever it is, I'm now going to adopt a new policy. I'm going to write a set of minimum system specs by which all future machines I work on will be measured. If a system does not meet these requirements, I will give it a benchmark test which I've named the "high velocity percussive resistance test". This benchmark involves taking a series of mallets to the system and measuring the effects on its ability to boot up. First we start with the rubber mallet. If the system proves resistant to the rubber mallet test, we move on to the rock hammer. If it also passes that test, we bring on the sledgehammer. If the system still boots after completion of the sledgehammer test, I will then fix their PC as requested. Otherwise, I will return their computer, or what's left of it, informing them that "the system was unable to boot after a routine percussive resistance test, due to insufficient minimum system requirements. Purchase of a new computer that isn't a POS model is recommended. Please inform your computer salesman that your last system crashed with an ID10T error. He'll be able to direct you to their Apple selection."

COMMENTARY - The Laws of Layoffs

Sorry for not posting the other day, they sprung a fourth set of layoffs on us here yesterday. While it only hit about half a dozen people in our particular center, a chunk of the center support team got nailed by it, meaning I had to give up my temporary promotion and return once more to my position as payroll/supply room/mail room/clerk of all trades. Thank God. People have been apologizing to me all day, "Oh, heard about your demotion, that's too bad..." Ha. I knew it was bound to happen anyways, since they made a point to tell me my promotion was temporary to begin with. So I lose about $2/hr. Big deal. I now have a desk three times the size of yours, my work varies, and I'm not chained to my cubicle all day doing the same old boring thing over and over to meet some ridiculous standards. Misery is not worth an extra $2/hr to me. The only downside is my new desk is right outside the Big Cheese's office, meaning I will have to be increasingly careful with my web surfing habits at work. Risky, you say? Nah. After going through so many layoffs here, I have developed a set of rules by which employees are obviously selected for termination. Allow me to share them with you.

1. Don't make yourself invaluable. If you know too much, you might stick out of the crowd enough for someone higher up the corporate ladder to notice and promote you. The very thought of this threat is enough for your immediate supervisor to put your name on the chopping block. Also, some upper management may mistake someone referring to you as invaluable to mean "not valuable", which will also get you canned for sure. So stay with the pack. The tall grass is the first to get cut.

2. Cubicle geography. Do whatever it takes to get your desk in the most densely populated area of the office. When trying to meet required numbers for a corporate layoff, often times management will simply resort to removing people from areas that would make the office more aesthetically pleasing. This generally means just removing everyone from the sparsely populated areas of the building and leaving a core center. So stick close to the pack.

3. Don't be seen with noisy Union members. If you work in a facility represented by any sort of union, you know what I'm talking about. There are always those two or three outspoken individuals who have to cause a ruckus at every meeting and wave their little union flag around, and go about encouraging everyone to file grievances against their employer for anything and everything. Even though there is undoubtedly a clause in your union agreement somewhere protecting union members from being singled out in layoffs, you can be sure that these people will one way or another be getting the axe. Associate too closely with these people, and you too will likely be joining them.

4. Brown nosing is bad. If you are a peon employee, do NOT brown nose. This will not save you. It only makes your name easier to remember when the Angel of Death and Unemployment (times are tough, even he had to take a second job) sweeps through your office. If you're a peon, just stay low and do your work. The perfect place to be is the good employee whose name no one can remember. That way you aren't hit when they cut the slackers or when they just start picking names they know off the top of their heads.

5. Management cliques are good. The only time brown nosing works is if you're in a management position. Find the management clique in your office and find a way to get in it. If you are one of the hardworking managers who comes in early, stays late, works to the best of your ability, and doesn't have the time to socialize, you will certainly be out the door when layoffs come. You need to take a good hour or two out of your day and waste it on chattering with the other managers instead of working to ensure your position.

That's pretty much everything you need to know about not getting laid off. Do your work, but don't do it too well. If you're an outstanding employee, make sure to waste a few hours a day to fall back into the pack. You could use that time to surf the net and look for a new job, just in case I'm wrong...

REVIEW - PS2 - Samurai/Ninja Showdown

During my time off last week, I abused my free rental privileges at Hollywood Video and rented every game I could find involving ninjas or samurais. Due to the current selection they had in stock and in order to keep the number of ninja titles vs. samurai titles even, this showdown will encompass four games. On the ninja side, we have Shinobi and Tenchu: Wrath of Heaven. Fighting for the samurai, we have Way of the Samurai and Kengo: Master of Bushido. I will review each of these titles individually and then compare the results, and the age old question as to which of these two mighty warriors holds superiority will finally be answered. Well, at least when it comes to playing one on a PS2, anyways.

NINJA

Shinobi -- I was not impressed with this game at all. It was amusing for the first level or two, but got really old really fast. If you are a big fan of old school games like Ninja Gaiden, then you will definitely find this game amusing, as it really holds onto that old style of gaming. It's the same style of running through levels and bashing stuff up, objects you destroy flicker and then disappear, and level bosses are ridiculously difficult. There isn't a lot of skill involved with this game, it's all about zipping and jumping around and mashing the attack button, and you'll still die all the time. Also amusing is the "Use Ninjitsu" button, which engulfs Shinobi in a fiery ball of death, killing anything within its radius. Wow. If ninjitsu really did that I'd so learn it. All in all, an amusing game for the first few levels, particularly if you're an old school gamer, but it wears out quickly.

Tenchu: Wrath of Heaven -- Definitely a better game than Shinobi, with added replay value with multiplayer mode. Multiplayer is unfortunately very limited however, with only a single level available initially, and a pretty boring one at that. The most strikingly annoying thing about this game are the cheesy sound effects, with cartoon-ish "ping!" noises when sword fighting and the like. The added element of stealth also makes the game more interesting, and a wide selection of weapons and items you can pick up along the way also add to the fun. Aside from the wider array of weapons though, the game is still quite basic. You are either sneaking around, or mashing an attack button. I'd say it is a fairly good game, but it didn't require much skill.

SAMURAI

Way of the Samurai -- I'll be perfectly honest. I never heard of this game before I picked it up off the shelf. In my search for ninja and samurai related games, it certainly stuck out with a title like that, so I decided to give it a try. And I am SO glad I did. Out of all the titles I picked up last week, this one was definitely my favorite. The game itself is really quite short, but there are half a dozen different endings to it. Your actions in the game determine the direction the plot will go, each to a different ending. This makes for excellent replay value, as you will find yourself playing it over and over again and trying out different things to see what ending you can reach next. On top of that, there are a huge number of swords in the game, each with different styles and attacks. Even after completing all of the endings, which will take quite some time as it is, you will find yourself still playing it over and over again in your search for those cool rare swords. You also gain points for each time you beat it, unlocking additional options and settings, which will also keep you playing. Plus, you can carry over your swords from one game to the next, so you don't lose those cool blades. This game also has the most sophisticated battle system out of any of the games in this review. If you like button mashers, you will be slaughtered in this game. You have to carefully balance style, timing, attacking, blocking, parrying, and dodging in order to be successful. Yet even with all this, the controls remain simple and intuitive. The sound effects are also quite good, adding to the intensity of your battles. I do have one complaint about this game. The learning curve is fairly steep, particularly in comparison to the rest of the games in this roundup. You will die often in the beginning, and it will not be until a good three or four attempts after the tutorial that you really get the hang of it. It can be rather frustrating in the beginning, as you have to start all over again if you die, and you lose any blades you were carrying at the time. This will not be as great of a concern once you get the hang of the fighting controls and learn where all the food is located so you can regain your health. There is also a multiplayer feature, in a classic fighting game style, which is somewhat amusing and a good way to hone your skills, but not nearly as entertaining as single player.

Kengo: Master of Bushido -- Another title I had never really heard of, but picked up anyways. Again, I'm glad I did. It's something of a fighting game with RPG elements. You start out as a student living at a dojo to learn the ways of the samurai. You go through various training exercises and practice matches to increase your stats and hone your skills. Once you have successfully mastered the exercises at your dojo, you can then go on to compete against other schools, raising your stats and earning new attacks and swords. You can eventually compete in an Imperial tournament, defeat your own master, and become head of the dojo yourself, defending your honor against challenging students such as you once were. The real beauty of this game comes in customizing your attack styles. As you play, you will learn new moves, which you can then piece together into your own custom attacks to use in battle. Also, each sword you pick up has a different special attack, so you can spend quite some time collecting and experimenting with them as well. This game also has the best multiplayer support out of all the titles in this roundup. If you and a friend each have a character developed in single player mode, you can face off against each other in multiplayer, or just play with one of the other characters from the game using their predefined styles and forgoing the customized attacks. This game also is not without its faults though. There is a total lack of music, which some might find disappointing, however I felt it added to the atmosphere. The thing that did bug me though, were some really cheesy sound effects. The blades clashing and slashing sounded solid, but the vocalizations of the warriors were rather weak, and there are some horrendously annoying background sounds on some of the levels. Also, you have to repetitively practice the same training exercises over and over in order to raise your stats until they eventually max out, which can get rather monotonous.

Graphics: 8/10 OVERALL Sound: 5/10 Gameplay: 3/10 Ingenuity: 2/10 Replay Value: 2/10 Ninja Skill Level: 2/10 2/10

Graphics: 8/10 OVERALL Sound: 3/10 Gameplay: 6/10 Ingenuity: 6/10 Replay Value: 3/10 Ninja Skill Level: 4/10 4/10

Graphics: 8/10 OVERALL Sound: 7/10 Gameplay: 9/10 Ingenuity: 9/10 Replay Value: 9/10 Samurai Skill Level: 10/10 9/10

Graphics: 8/10 OVERALL Sound: 3/10 Gameplay: 8/10 Ingenuity: 7/10 Replay Value: 8/10 Samurai Skill Level: 8/10 8/10

The score is plainly obvious. Ninjas: 0, Samurais: 2. But you don't have to take my word for it. Check them out for yourself. You too will soon find the obvious superiority of the Samurai.