COMMENTARY – How to make a complete blithering idiot of yourself in only three square feet of space

I had briefly mentioned earlier the spastic spectacle I saw convulsing on the Dance Dance Revolution machine when I went to the theater over the weekend. I have given a fair deal of thought as to what exactly made him look so ridiculous, and it real boils down to this: Take that geek off that nine square pad, and he wouldn’t have a clue how to dance. Yet you pop in a few quarters and throw him up there, and he thinks he’s John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. How many guys that actually know how to dance have you seen pounding away on a DDR machine for hours on end? Most likely none at all, because they’re all out at the hot clubs showing off their real dance moves and actually picking up chicks. Yet geeks remain in their delusion that somehow the DDR machine makes them cool and will help them get a date. Just watch when a girl steps up to the pad next to him to play a round or two. His heart starts pumping madly, his eyes go wide with hope and anticipation, and he jumps and gyrates with twice the enthusiasm as before. Yet it always ends the same. She steps off after a round or two, and the geek can do nothing but look on dejectedly, and wait for the next female contender to set foot in his domain. DDR is a hopeless trap for geeks. It’s like clubbing for nerds. They are enthralled by the idea of simply stepping onto a pad and following the uncomplicated instructions on the monitor, and then by adding some music and flashing lights they think they’re dancing. I can understand the geek appeal. It puts you in front of a big screen, turns dancing into a game with computer instructions, and social interaction is not required. But DDR represents the opposite of everything required to get a date. You will not pick up hot chicks. You will not be a better dancer. And people will certainly not think you’re cooler, in fact they will most likely think the opposite, watching you flailing around like an idiot in your delusion of your own gracefulness. Do yourself a favor and quit NOW. Or hopefully you are reading this in time to never start in the first place. Dance Dance Revolution is a one of the largest factors responsible for giving geeks a bad name. So many geeks are drawn to DDR’s illusion of social acceptance, not realizing that to the rest of the world it’s just a big neon sign that says “Look at the stupid geek.” Stay off it, at all costs. Save up those quarters and pay for some real dance lessons. Gather a couple of geek buddies, buy yourselves some new threads, and head out to a nightclub together. Even a wallflower at a club has a better chance at getting a date than any freak on Dance Dance Revolution. And if you see any other geeks on DDR in the future, be sure to do what I do and sack them. They’re giving you a bad name, and besides, it’s for their own good. Preserve and protect the good name of geek. Join the opposition of DDR.